I'm new to this, and just wanted to ask for advice

[Hecho]

I'm sure this has been covered before here, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed so thought if I just present our situation, I could hopefully benefit from advice from the people here.

My mum is in her late 80s. For the last couple of years she has had steadily worsening memory problems and confusion. Last year there was also an increase in aggression towards me and my sibling, but we think this was because of fear and confusion when dealing with life's bureaucracy. She was clear she wanted to stay in her home, several hours away from where we both live, but finally she's agreed to move close to us and moved into her new house yesterday. We have managed to arrange it so that it looks very similar to her old house, and she seems very content, if a bit unsure whether she actually lives there.

I have talked to her new doctor, and we have an appointment tomorrow to go over everything (memory, diabetes, eyecare, etc.). The doctor has already recommended we activate the LPAs (financial and health) we both have for her. These were set up a couple of years ago, but I haven't ever had any involvement with them, so am trying to understand the next steps.

In terms of her care, I think I'll find out a lot tomorrow. She can live independently, and wants to, but we know she needs help. We're not sure how/if she'll accept this. Because of other commitments we cannot provide regular daily care ourselves.

In my position, looking back through your experiences, what would you advise? Are there questions you wished you'd asked? Support you wished you'd put in place? I'm just worried I'll miss something that would help her or enhance her quality of life. Thanks for any help : )

looking back through your experiences, what would you advise?

It's always further on than you'd like to admit to yourself

If you've been advised to invoke the LPAs, I'd do it. Make sure her GP is aware and her bank.

Set up mobile banking on your device do that you can see what's going on.

We've taken a lot of the money out of DM's current account and moved it into premium bonds. Just because she had too much cash sitting in there and if she ever lost her card somebody would have got through it very quickly and DM probably wouldn't have noticed the card was missing.

Have you applied for Attendance Allowance and Pension Credit?

She's entitled to a reduction in her Council Tax if she has Dementia too.

I'd also get her listed as a priority customer with her Energy Supplier.

And I'd ask for a Care Needs Assessment. Make sure you're there though when it's done as your DM will have no memory of what trouble her condition is causing her

Thanks Siouxsie (excellent name), that's all really useful. Much had crossed my radar, but not as clearly as you've outlined here, and some things I wasn't aware of, so I'll add to my list. I really appreciate you taking the time.

That's no problem

I'd get her a cleaner as soon as possible - someone who works for themselves (so it will always be the same person) and who is happy to do laundry, make the bed, maybe even make a cup of tea and a sandwich. A cleaner was the first home help my parents had, and it got them into someone coming to the house - my mum would potter round with the cleaner and clean (to some extent) as well.

At first you might need to be there as well to introduce 'Jane who is going to help you out with getting the new place straight' so they become familiar

Hi, power of attorney was a life saver for my sister and I helping my dad. It’s meant that I could pay his bills (he was hiding bailiffs letters behind the clock), and apply for attendance allowance and council tax reduction on his behalf. I can also speak to utilities, and get him on their registers. I also very gently imposed a twice daily carer so that he has daily contact and there’s someone keeping an eye every day. Even if you live close, just the knowledge that someone is checking is such a weight off. The power of attorney has allowed us to arrange things so that my dad can stay in his own home thinking everything is normal and he’s managing everything just fine, even though my sister and I are doing it all in the background. It’s been a long process but the POA was key to everything.

I also found this forum invaluable in the early days when my Dad was really angry and confused. Lots of no judgement support https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forums
Very best of luck

we have re arranged the banking etc so that they just have an everyday account with a bit of money in it and a debit card. No credit cards and no cheques. We then pay all the bills from their other bank account and they know (and appreciate this) so that any random bills and requests for money can be ignored by then as likely fraud. We use our address as the billing address for all the bills too.

I have remote desktop software set up on my computer and theirs so that I can get them back into their email etc when they ‘loose’ the icons and my phone number and email address are the recovery and two step id ones for their accounts so that they cant randomly change the passwords when they forget them

I make sure to video chat and text them regularly so they dont forget how to ise them from lack of use

I’m working on a monthly cleaner to do a ‘deep clean’ so that when they need weekly cleaning, there is someone they already know, the same for gardening

We have a shared document of important information that I can edit and they can just view (short cut icon on the computer) with all the account numbers, passwords, telephone numbers, passport numbers, utilities, council, Clubs, societies etc so that we all know how everything works and no one is ferreting for bits of paper. They keep a pile of new stuff or changes in a spot in the kitchen and every so often I add and update the document.

we have those tag things on their phones and keys, so when they loose them, I can help them track them down

we surrendered my FIL drivers license

switched for individual duvets as they are less heavy and easier to wash and change

FIL has a recliner that helps him to stand up

A chair by the front and back doors and an extra long shoe horn to help with shoes (which now all have elastic laces)

getting them used to pre chopped veg etc rather than cooking everything from scratch..its a step on the pathway to pre cooked meals when that is needed

Im sure there are lots more 😁

Thanks everyone, It's kind of you to spend the time answering. I'm sharing your advice with siblings and other family to get our arses into gear : )

Ring doorbell's front and back.

Wired smoke alarm system.

Pendant emergency call button and potentially a linked falls alarm.

Ring BT to let them know your mum is vulnerable, they can block scammers numbers and you can limit the ability to call expensive 0800 0300 or whatever they are now.

Only give DM a cash card for a very small account and drip money in weekly, high interest the rest separately.

Do you need to disconnect any ovens or hobs for safety and just rely on the microwave?

Dementia UK do great wall clocks with the date/time etc.

Medication in labelled blister packs, think about keeping it in a locked meds box on the wall.

Home delivery, Waitrose were the only ones who would take shopping inside or indeed leave it outside if no response, Tesco etc were far too rigid. We always used to include a bunch of flowers because if mum insisted the shopping hadn't arrived we could ask her about the current bouquet.

My sister and I were both 6+ hours away.

Outdoor key safe for carers etc.

Motion sensitive night lighting on stairs/landing/loo.

Mum managed 18 years with dementia at home with all of the above at some points although in a care home now.

Mum has to have her medication on a pivotell as she can't cope with dosette boxes. The pivotell only makes the meds available at set times. The devices are expensive but mum's is on loan from social services.

Hello OP, just wondered how you were getting on? X

Hi Gaura, thanks for the message. It's going well so far, she's settled in pretty well. She's still slightly unsure sometimes, but she likes the house, and definitely likes being more a part of our lives day to day. My kids drop in regularly, we've arranged a cleaner who is more like a friend, my father in law takes her out for lunch from time to time, we're looking at local groups for her. Also, her local GP practice have been amazing, which is so reassuring. We've still got a lot to put in place, but we're getting there bit by bit. I hope all is well with you, and thanks for thinking of us 😌

That sounds amazing, you’re doing so well! Hope you all have a great Christmasx