What can I do to help?

[Brieandbeetroot]

This might be a bit long so apologies.

I'm in my thirties, DF 70, DM 64. DF had two heart attacks in his 50s marking a significant change in personality. Things have really been up and down since that time.

He smoked until the day he had the first heart attack, and despite completely quitting inexplicably took it up again a few years ago.

He has also always been a heavy drinker. I would describe him as a functional alcoholic, always able to work etc but could never say no to a drink, and still can't, although his intake is much more moderate now.

Some years ago (probably 4-5) my DM convinced him to see the GP due to anixety, paranoia, memory issues etc but he refused to disclose what was said. The GP obviously could not break confidentiality but advised my mum not to expect things to improve in a hint hint kindof way.

DF has refused any further communication with a doctor however his behaviour is in decline. His personal hygiene is low, he won't shower unless forced by DM. He sleeps a lot but not well, often waking very early and then taking naps. He constantly refers to my toddler DD by my name and refers to DM as her mum when we're all together and doesn't know he's doing it. He has also referred to me as DM and seemed very confused when pointed out I was not her but brushed it off.

He hates driving now and can't remember routes, even ones he is very familiar with but refuses to let my mum drive if they are together. His driving is also very aggressive and erratic.

He seems to take delight in saying inappropriate, crude and childish things and doesn't get why people don't join in.

He gets very panicky about things that other people are doing even if they don't involve him, worrying about people's travel plans, etc. He is also completely unmotivated to do anything except sit at home and watch TV or fiddle on the computer.

My DM is completely broken by it and has no idea what she can do as if he won't see someone she feels she can't know if there is a diagnosis available or if she's just living with someone who is intentionally or unintentionally making her life miserable.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking except what can one do if someone clearly is in decline and won't get a diagnosis or if they have one won't tell anyone or get any help?

Thank you.

I think the first thing I'd do in your situation is to contact his GP. They can't tell you anything and stress that you don't want them to reveal anything at all. Tell them that your DF's behaviour is erratic and he's still driving abs us unable to car for himself.

Suggest that he is called in for a "well man check" so that they can assess his ability to drive and cognition.

I'd suggest that you go to this appointment with him

It sounds as if he could possibly have alcohol-related dementia; he would have been on the younger side to be starting with other dementias at 65 when he saw the GP, and would have attended other appointments to confirm Alzheimer’s/vascular dementia, but those are possibilities too.

It’s a horrible position to be in. I doubt you can ‘fix’ him whatever is going on, and it’s going to get worse.

I’m also going to assume any suggestion of getting Power of Attorney, however it’s dressed up, will not be accepted, but it would be a very useful thing to have for the future. You could also anonymously report him to the DVLA saying you believe he has not declared a diagnosis. (If he has a diagnosis and it’s not been declared to his driving insurers then that could be invalid too).

Where is your mother in all this? What does she want?

Thank you for the replies. I have convinced my mother into making an appointment to speak to her GP, which is happening today, to discuss her concerns and ask whether she approach DF again with her worries or whether they can contact him on some other basis.

However, he is unlikely to agree to any GP appointment to be honest as he will no longer engage with his yearly heart checks and has recently, my mother just told me, started denying he had heart attacks, so that is a new thing.

My mother feels overwhelmed by it all, doesn't really want to deal with it but knows something needs to happen. She's asked me to make a list of everything for her to say to the Dr. I think she's probably in denial as much as him. But in an ideal world she'd want him to acknowledge there was an issue, get proper help from the Dr etc but based on his life long persona that level of compliance seems unlikely!

If a Dr did advise him at the time that he may have symptoms of dementia he wouldn't have attended follow up appointments, or shared a diagnosis if he did get one. He would be so horrified by it I think he would rather remain in denial and keep everyone else equally in the dark.

I guess it's just confirmation that unless my mum can get through to him about seeing a Dr accompanied by someone, that we can only wait and monitor and do our best to facilitate situations where he's comfortable and his behaviour is more relaxed and see how things progress. What an utterly awful situation all round.

It is a bloody awful situation isn't it?

How did your DM get on at the appointment?

So the Dr asked her to come face to face as soon as she said why she wanted to speak with him, so that's booked for next week. She spoke about her concerns last time my dad went a few years ago (not the GP my dad saw though and obviously stressed that he cannot break patient confidentiality, not that she would expect that). So she's happier as she prefers to talk face to face and knows this GP well.

She did say DF is having a good week so then she starts to doubt herself and thinks she's exaggerating even though we all know things are amiss. I think even listing what's going on and hearing a Dr say "no those are not normal behaviours etc for a healthy 70 year old" will give her some relief that it's not her that's going mad after a 45 year marriage!