Care home for MIL who is terrified of sleeping alone at night

[PretzelKnot]

My MIL is moving into a care home on Monday. She won’t be in the locked dementia ward at this stage. She has moderate dementia- can still recognise immediate family and hold conversations but her sundowning is blighted with her endless loops of anxieties- most relating to house security and being alone at night. Since childhood my MIL has always been frightened to be alone at night.

My FIL passed away 3 months ago and since then my SILs and DH have been taking it in turns to sleep in her room in a spare bed. She won’t fall asleep alone and works herself into a terrible state of this is tried. Has anyone dealt with similar? We have tried talking to the care home to see how they would deal with this and they reacted like it was very unusual and didn’t have any idea. They made it very clear they would not use chemical restraints which is fair enough.

In all other aspects, the care home is lovely but our fear is MIL will be constantly calling out and coming out of her room all night and they will want to move her to the locked ward. When we visited the locked ward, patients were wandering around like zombies and a couple of ladies soiled themselves in the 20 minutes we were there. While the staff were lovely, my MIL currently has enough awareness that this would be horrific for her. She does quite well in respite and spends the day chatting with other clients but it is the nights we are worried about.

We may be chasing worries here but I have never found anyone who has experienced similar and we have talked to so many people. Would love to hear from anyone who has experienced similar with a loved one.

In my mum's care home, they move residents between wards as appropriate. So residents with rooms in the nursing ward will join residents in the dementia ward during the day. Would something like this be a possibility for you mum?!

Thank-you for your reply. This is all new to us so I actually have no idea. I am presuming that the staffing would be higher in the dementia wing so maybe this would be a good possibility where she can be managed at night but be able to chat and be social in the general section in the day. Thank-you.

Currently she has been assigned a lovely room in the general section, right beside the nurse’s station. I think the nurses on night duty might be given a workout with MIL!

Slightly different scenario but hopefully this story gives you some comfort!

My grandma had carers at home and my Grampy with dementia really struggled having anyone in the home and became very anxious and aggressive towards them - he even called the police to get them out once! He used to shout in the street and my mum would take SOS calls from the carers - it wasn't a great situation.

As soon as he went into the home this totally changed and he became happier having people assist him and sharing his space. Hopefully the change in environment will be good for your MIL and she will take comfort from knowing the carers are only a call bell away.

The other thing to consider is speaking to her GP or the home GP. They can give her medication for the anxiety as it can't be nice for her to feel that way all of the time and can sometimes be scary for the person having those feelings.

I would second discussing with gp, as while not same situation you have here when my mother entered the night wandering stage, getting up looking for her babies etc., it was recommended she was given anti anxiety meds which had a side effect of mild sedation and helped her drop off, and stay asleep. A low level dose helped keep her safe and happy.

I had a grandaunt that had lived with her sister, in the original family home, they shared a room in a 4 bedroom house, both very successful career, well educated women for their time, they travelled extensively -usually together, and she found it really hard to readjust to having her room to herself after her sister died, she had never been in her house on her own for much time for over 70 years. She suddenly became an old woman who was scared, the good news was over time she adjusted, she found having radio on low helped, in fact she couldn't sleep without it on, she was also quite religious so had some religious type statues with sort of night lights around them, she survived her sibling for over 20 years and eventually when she went into a nursing home she chose to share a room, it had a semi permanent divider across half room and curtain for rest, rather than have her private room, we were told that these rooms had a high level of demand so it cant be unheard of.

Thank-you for everyone’s experiences and kind advice. I am hoping in a nice small room with one window and door will mean a lot of her security and door locking worries and checking will dissipate. I’ve noticed that a lot of her anxiety builds up around where her family are sleeping at night- she gets worked up when anyone says they are sleeping in their own house, as she is terrified of sleeping alone and thinks everyone must have the same fear. As soon as someone leaves for the night, that worry about them drops off- very much out of sight, out of mind. I personally think the family should not visit in her sundowning time because it will trigger that anxiety. But I’m just the DIL so can’t control this.

I would talk with her GP about anti anxiety meds in general, it sounds like she would benefit from some. This might help with the evening routine. also, do you think a weighted blanket would help her? They are very calming

Sounds like something to talk to a doctor about rather than care home staff. Either gp or her dementia specialist/care team.

Care homes are very accustomed to dementia residents coming out of their rooms at night or not settling. Most will just sit them down with tea and toast and a bit of telly til they're ready to go back to bed. And if necessary, someone will sit with them til they doze off. In fact, one of the good things about the home, is my mum is no longer scared because she knows there are people around all the time so she feels safe.
I will say before we put mum in the home, I got the doctor to put her on sertaline. It was a game changer. I said it was for her negativity.

If you can afford it, maybe pay for your own independent carer to do waking nights with her? Either at home or in the care home?