Visiting dhs gran

[Cw112]

So my dhs granny is currently in a nursing home due to dementia and she's partially sighted and hard of hearing.

Dh had been visiting her regularly but recently has started feeling too upset to in alone so I've been going with him.

I find it really difficult, not quite in the emotional sense he does as I haven't ever known her to be any other way, but I have no idea what to talk to her about. Often when we go she asks us to leave after about 5 minutes and I get the sense it's because she doesn't know who we are or why we are there and I worry that's making her uncomfortable. When she is happy for us to sit with her, I find it difficult for her to hear me as I'm very softly spoken. I do try to raise my voice as much as I can but I still don't think she can hear me, either that or she doesn't understand me and isn't able to process it. I'm shy at the best of times and I find we usually end up sitting there in silence after dhs attempts at conversation go unresponded to.

Basically what I'm asking is if anyone has any ideas of how we could make the visits a bit nicer for her, even if she doesn't know us? We bring our baby and she does like to see him and coos and reaches for him etc which is lovely but any ideas or suggestions would be welcome. Or are we better just keeping to short visits that don't overwhelm and tire her and just being OK sitting quietly?

introduce yourself talk to her as you would make conversation with a stranger
general chit chat weather have u had your tea
it can be very confusing if she feels pressured to remember things it a fine line because gentle prompting can trigger memories

I visit my mum every week and I am not really sure she knows who I am. She has very poor eyesight and very limited speech.

One tip that I found really helpful was never to ask her anything "Do you remember.....?" or "What did you do......?" but to talk as though I was talking to myself. "I saw a dog today that reminded me of the dog we had when I was a child. I remember when she ran away/chewed the sofa/etc." "Uncle So and So is going on holiday to X next week. I remember when we went there and we bought icecreams/had cake/got lost" and sometimes they will trigger a memory for her and sometimes they don't. It is exhausting!

Could you read a book to her? Or articles from a newspaper/magazine?

Never ask questions.
Dementia patients never know what the answer is so they get upset.

That's a nice idea actually. We do normally try to stay away from anything that might confuse her but sometimes I worry that just talking at her might feel a bit overwhelming as well. It seems to really depend on the day for her.

Do you know of any music that she might enjoy? My DMIL could still remember Cliff Richard and would respond to his music even after her speech had gone.

Giving her some chocolate or playing some music might help.

Also agree with never asking them questions, it's just setting them up for failure and stress

@Cw112

My Mum liked looking at photos, I made a scrapbook with a simple family tree in and put everyone's name and how they were related. The staff in her nursing home liked to sit with her and go through it.

She also kept asking for her parents who had died over 40 years before so I got a photo of them from my uncle and she kept that with her.

If she likes holding your hand take some hand cream and see if she will allow you to give her a gentle hand massage

Will she let you brush her hair

My Mum always asked where her babies were so I got her a lifelike doll and she loved looking after that.

My Mum didn't know who I was, she thought I worked for her so I just let her so she didn't get distressed

My Mum liked to have a radio on

Just being with the person and holding their hand, if they agree, is enough you do not have to have long conversations.

My Mum died 9 years ago this weekend and the bad things do fade and you remember good times.

My Mum liked looking at photos, I made a scrapbook with a simple family tree in and put everyone's name and how they were related. The staff in her nursing home liked to sit with her and go through it

I was going to suggest photos but the DGM has sight loss. I suppose they could always get some blown up. Depending on the type of sight loss and how severe it is, she may be able to see them.

Mind you she's also got hearing loss and I've suggested giving music a try

You sound like such good people 😃

Chat to her as you would a stranger on the bus.. in a cafe.
Dont try to remind her of things or family members.
Take a magazine or some photos but talk about the places/fashions ... dont worry about names as she may or may not recognise people.
Talk about the room or the view from the window...
Admire her dress.
Dont 'expect' her to know either of you or remember you have met before.
Dementia is a bastard.

I used to do “flower arrangements “ with mum which she loved. Recommend simple long stemed flowers like carnations and an old jam jar ( something sturdy and not to tall with a wide opening is the key). I used to cut the flowers down and she would put them in the jar. You can add water later so no spills. Also we used to look at clothing ads in magazine and chat about which outfit we liked. As people have mentioned before, photos are great and also reading , music and hand massages. Soft toys to cuddle are also good. Really depends how far on the dementia is. Don’t expect long visits or lots of conversation.sitting in silence is Ok . Good luck x

My MIL (RIP) used to like to have her nails painted or her hair blow dried and styled.

Also my FIL would play her records and they would sing along.

Could she see enough for big pictures? Colourful flowers, seaside photos etc? Then it can be a prompt - “oh, these are lovely yellow tulips, my favourite colour is purple, do you like purple?” Or whatever

Even when my DM didn’t know me any more (usually I was just a ‘nice lady’ who made her cups of tea) she was very happy with chocolate - always Aero, less hard to cope with. Soft jellies also went down well.

We stopped taking boxes of chocs, she would want to eat far too many and get very irate if we suggested offering one to anyone else!

These are all lovely suggestions thank you all so much! She can see photos if they're large and she can hold them very close so making a large photo album might be a lovely thing for dh to do and look through with her. I'll bring some nail polish and cream with me next time we go, they get their nails done once a week but hers never lasts a full week so would be nice to top it up for her if she likes. We could try music, I'm not sure how loud it would need to be as I'm aware of the other residents too. She was such a party animal in her day by all accounts always out dancing (on tables) so if she can hear it that would go down a treat I'm sure. She has a huge sweet tooth and so do I so I think we can work something out there as well!

She has a huge sweet tooth and so do I so I think we can work something out there as well!

You could try Jelly Dropss* in a nice China bowl now the weather is warmer. They will help to keep her hydrated

There is nothing wrong with a five minute visit if that's what makes her happy. My friend's mum would say, "Well it was nice to see you." And that was our cue to go. My mum is in hospital at the moment and can manage twenty minutes before she closes her eyes. So short and sweet is a good thing. But loads of great suggestions here

My dad's older sister has very advanced dementia and is being cared for by one of her lovely sons. Just recently the family realised that the visits needed to stop. My aunt gets very, very upset by the visits and nothing we've tried has helped. The only person she's comfortable with is the son who cares for her. It's so heartbreaking.