Bad Day with Parent

[roseygarden]

I suppose I just need to vent.

My parent has Alzhiemer's and I do all the arranging of things with little help.

I suffer from bouts of insomnia and anxiety and was struggling to get through the morning and catch up with work.

My parent rang me to complain about the carer being there as she does every so often. I tried to explain that the carer was there to help etc but she wouldn't listen. I'm afraid I lost my temper and shouted at her down the phone. I then rang to apologise.

I had to speak to the Carer about something and the carer said my parent was very upset but was OK and laughing now.

I'm worried this might be reported to Social Services. I've never shouted like that before. Things have overwhelmed me lately. It's been one thing after another sorting things out as well as trying to work full time and not functioning on much sleep.

Anyone got any advice or been in this situation?

You are allowed to be human. Your mother will quite likely have forgotten this already.

You sound overwhelmed [hug]

Nobody gets reported to social services for shouting at a parent. Or we all would be reported!

How is your mum ringing you? Is the number programmed in? Either change the programming or just don't answer if you're at work or you know the carer is there. Talk to the carer about more ways to distract your mum.

Can you take some sick leave from work and go away? Or just to stay with a family member and rest.

Your parent now will have zero awareness of the event - stop beating yourself up at once.

Memory failure has one lone upside. The person who needs tlc is you - take an hour off tonight to do something nice, and make sure it’s the full hour.

It's difficult not to answer calls when I am working from home in case it's an emergency but I do turn my phone off when I'm in the office. My phone number is on redial I think.

Unfortunately I can't take a break away at the moment for various reasons but I will have an early night tonight and see if I can take a bit of a step back.

Nobody gets reported to social services for shouting at a parent. Or we all would be reported!

How is your mum ringing you? Is the number programmed in? Either change the programming or just don't answer if you're at work or you know the carer is there. Talk to the carer about more ways to distract your mum

How about if she calls and you then realise the Carer is there you cut her short? "Bye Mum, love you, speak to you later"?

I'd definitely take up the suggestion of talking to the carer about distracting your DM more too.

Have you found the Elderly Parents Section yet? There is a long running support thread going on in there

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto - thanks.

She rang me from another room when the carer was and I was trying to get her to go downstairs to engage.

I had a better day today. I think I was sleep deprived yesterday and felt low and actually quite ill. There's still lots to sort out though.

There's still lots to sort out though.

Every sympathy with this, it can sometimes feel as though someone has given you a job which you didn't apply for, didn't have any training and you don't want!

What are you having to do at the min? Are the Carers working out alright so far?

Yes, that's exactly it. Overall it's working out with the carers. There's lots of things to sort out with my parent's property.

It was a one off due to stress and social work would recognise this even if it was reported. It likely won’t be reported but if it was I think the most they would do is try to check in with you that you are ok. You recognised it and why it happened, and did your best to resolve it. As pp say we are only human. Obviously it may be a different matter in situations where it is happening on a regular basis which may cause harm to the older person.

My mother has early dementia and calls me constantly. One of the best things I did was to set her calls to silent. It stops the irritation I feel when my mobile rings. I listen to voicemails & call if there is an emergency. It's really helped me. All other calls ring as normal.

The things I said to my dad when he was first descending into dementia would shock you.

I don’t feel bad about it. I’m human. The last two years have ruined my life. I limit my contact with him now.

Please don’t worry. It’s shit and frustrating.

I turn it round and I think of my children. God, If they are ever in that position with me, they could shout and scream.

People don’t realise the stress this puts you under. My father has made me ill and robbed me of the first two years of my toddlers life, it’s all been about him.

He’s in a care home now so can’t contact me, thank God. He used to call me 30 times a day, all hours of the day and night.

I sound unsympathetic to most people but unless you have been through it, you don’t understand the sheer stress a parent with dementia causes.

Her carer will understand, believe me.

There's still lots to sort out though.

I understand. We are 18 months into him being in a care home now and it’s never ending. There’s only me, no other family. Another thing people don’t understand is how much work goes into it all from the relative.

@Dwightlovesmichael - not easy is it? My life has changed so much over the last few years and there's been so much stress and worry.

I've been taking a bit of a step back and it will get to a point where other family members will have to pull their weight.

I was looking for posters similar to me. My parents in 80's moved to an extra care place near me nearly 3 months ago. 150 miles from south east to south west. My mum has dementia and my Dad's memory is getting worse. Unfortunatley the move coincided with my breast cancer diagnosis, op and now waiting to see if chemo before radiotherapy. It's the repetition that is so hard. Any tips to separate my rage from the repetition would be great. Seeing them three times a week on average. I know it's about making time for me to have my own space and recharge but after the 5th call about a lost library book I exploded and my dad hung up on me. I know it's probably down the side of their sofa, it is not a priority for me. I want to shout at my dad that I don't have to justify my time to him. I wish I could run away.

@Whatifitallgoesright - I'm sorry to hear it is so difficult dealing with your parents at the moment.

I don't have any tips for controlling the rage but you are only human and you have a lot going on with your health. Be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty about losing your temper. If it's just a one off try and let it go.

You can ring Alzheimer's Society for support and advice or post on their Talking Point webpage. They've been a good source of support for me.

I hope things get easier.

Thanks @roseygarden I'm glad they're there don't get me wrong, being able to pop in ten mins drive away to sort something compared to driving 150 miles is of course better but the adjustment... Considering I run off 30yrs ago to establish those 150 miles!

ill have a look at the Alzheimer's Society. Others perspectives are so useful, I think I'll find others dealing with the 'lost things automatically become stolen by somebody' narrative. I have my comedy routine about the kleptomaniac jigsaw fiend, old-man-jumper loving, china horse carrying removals employee off to a tee now.