What’s going on with mum, is she on a diagnosis pathway?

[Ohdearmum]

Long time lurker, first time poster on this topic.

Just airing my thoughts and worries really, to those that may have unfortunately been here ahead of me- sending you all love, some threads I read are utterly heartbreaking.

My DM is 72 We’ve always had a tricky relationship, which isn’t helping things now.

She’s an exceptionally anxious type, always has been.

I’m concerned she has dementia, my Dad (60’s and completely with it)- thinks is anxiety worsening. but every now and then I see a chink in that line. Maybe he is head is firmly in the sand?

I hardly get a logical conversation out of my sometimes, then sometimes is relatively normal. The less normal times we often end up talking at cross purpose or i don’t really understand what she is talking about. It is like she is nervous and babbling. Sometimes forgetting her words, slightly struggling to convey what she wants to say but gets there. Occasionally short term memory gaps but not drastic. Minor things but it’s more worrying in the context of the overall picture.

also sometimes a marked stubbornness which I don’t remember from 5-10 years ago. Sometimes quite unkind to me (eg., said I bullied her into a hip replacement.. I’m not sure I did, I was pleased she was offered one as it was needed.. but no, bullied her.. she’d probably deny saying that if asked any other given time- it’s a total head fuck to be honest sometimes). I seem to be the only one on the receiving end of this kind of thing.

She has been screened by GP using their quick memory test twice. Once during Covid over the phone. She didn’t get everything right but she was within the limits of ‘normal’

Again more recently (Dad with her in GP office) and she did fine apparently. No memory clinic referral..blood tests done, normal. GP has referred her for a CT scan. He is a very long standing GP of theirs (25+ years), very trusted by them. He offered DM the CT if it was what she wanted. Apparently she did want so it’s booked (if she actually goes through with it remains to be seen).

I don’t know what to make of this sequence of events. Given no memory clinic referral..
any one any thoughts?

what could this CT possibly provide? is there any chance GP doesn’t think this Dementia? I fear not..

(POA financial and medical in place for both)

thanks for reading

With my mother, the scan diagnosed the Alzheimer's, the referral to the memory clinic followed on from that.
Sorry you are going through this.

oh gosh. sorry you’re in this too.
I think I need to prepare myself don’t I.. I don’t know how.

Big hugs, it’s a scary time for you 💗 I think it’s reassuring that the GP has known your Mum for so long, he knows her baseline appearance. Try not to speculate, just take one thing at a time.

It's really good that you GP know her well and has referred her for a scan.

A distant relative was recently diagnosed with Dementia after they did the questions with his DW present. Apparently she was doing a lot of prompting and when this was pointed out to the GP he sent her to make him a cup of tea, did the screening and only then realise how serious his condition is.

I wonder if your DM's Gp thinks that your DF might be covering for her slightly?

yes, I am glad they have a solid GP. He is excellent.

I think mum relies on my dad way more than she ‘should’ or rather, ‘would’ were there not some cognitive issues (or anxiety issues or whatever issues they turn out to be).. but it’s sort of crept up to being that way so maybe he doesn’t clock it. I do though.

I don’t think he prompted on the memory check test, but certainly in general life - she’d go to pieces without him I’m sure.

My fear about what would happen should something happen to my DF literally takes my breath away occasionally. I know that’s awfully dramatic.. I know, but then everything would come to me and I’m here 2 hours away trying to hold life together with pre schoolers and a hanging on by a thread career. Gosh. It’s all a lot.

Perhaps I am letting fear get the better of me.. one thing at a time as a pp said.

Ageing parents are a blessing and a worry aren’t they.

Is your mum's anxiety being treated? Increased anxiety will impact on cognition. The scan will hopefully give some answers

Don't let the what if's ruin your enjoyment of now @Ohdearmum

You are right to be concerned but if something did happen to your DF and your DM wasn't coping, you'd make sure she had proper care wouldn't you? Whether that was carers, you, live in care or a home?

It might be stressful setting it up and it's definitely not pleasant watching your DPs decline but please don't let it rob you of your enjoyment if the here and now

It sounds like maybe she has or is developing expressive dysphasia? Which can be a hallmark of dementia.
Do you have a local memory clinic or similar you could contact? I would be pushing the GP for this if you can

Thank you for posting.

Yes, I have had a tricky one with my dear old mum over the years (forever) but she’s my mum and I’d make sure things were right by her. I’d do my best.
My DH is solid as a rock and would help me through.

Re anxiety treatment, I believe she was for many years but was taken off them when Qs were first raised re memory - details of this are not clear to me. This kind of thing I struggle to get clear info from my parents. I have to let it slide. Could it be to have got an accurate baseline? She could be back on them.. I’m not sure

Yes, I need to focus on the todays and how things are now. I always say ‘never borrow tomorrows sorrow’ really need to heed that advice myself with regard to all this. I will work on this.

thanks for posting, I appreciate it

I agree with pps. In all honesty, the worst part was the thinking something was wrong, but not being ready to face it.
My mum continued life very normally for a good few years after her diagnosis. If your mum does have some form of dementia, hold on to the fact it's not an immediate change. Mine continued to run her clubs, organise trips, go on holidays, go swimming, drive. Once she was going to the memory club she'd pick up another couple of ladies and take them. "I'm at that memory thing they're sending everybody to this afternoon" etc.
There's a very good long running thread in the Elderly Parents section, lots of posters going through the same. It's more of an ongoing chat and I found it very helpful, also with practicalities.

I think you need to leave your DM to get on with it herself. She’s seen her GP twice, what prompted those appointments? Was it her own decision or was she told to go by your DF or yourself? Just have a read through your posts - they come across as being all about you, rather than all about your mum. You’ve said you live 2 hours away and have a busy life so I guess you don’t see your dm that often, which is fine. We all have our lives to live. I know when I speak to my DDs on the phone sometimes I might come across as being distracted - I might be in the middle of my tea or watching my favourite Tv show, but don’t want to be rude and say I’ll call back.
Just wait until the scan has been done, then wait for her to let you know whatever she wants you to know. She may not want to tell you anything, which is her choice. I know I don’t tell my DDs everything about my health and vice versa.
If she is diagnosed with dementia, the focus will need to be about what she needs and the impact it will have on HER life - and to a lesser extent on your DFs life. But until you have a clear diagnosis, just be patient.

Your mum sounds great, full social diary and able to get on with thing for a time even after diagnosis.

You make a great point about a diagnosis bringing no immediate change. I think we will be needing to remind DM of that come the day (if things go as I think they may).

will check the elderly parents section - thank you