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Dementia and Alzheimer's

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SW says she has capacity but......

2 replies

TheOrigRights · 28/03/2023 16:46

My mother is law was assessed by social services a couple of weeks ago. They say she has capacity.
An assessment by her consultant states she has capacity to decide that she wants to live elsewhere but lacks the capacity to be able to put that in place.
She refuses any sort of care and wants to live alone (she currently lives with her husband).

She will not even look at the assisted living accommodation and the family won't be granted access to look around unless she is in agreement.

He cannot put the POA in place as she has been assessed as having capacity.
She spends her days wandering around town, visiting various shops and services telling people lies (obviously I know this is her condition, I'm just stating the facts as they present).
She is vulnerable. Her husband is not coping. She ideally needs to have someone with her at all times.
Her daughter sees her about once a month. I go when I can but I cannot become her carer.
It just seems like the bar is too high and that her situation will be taken out of her (and our) hands before the services agree to help.

Have other had experience of this (sorry I have not read all the threads on this board yet)?

Both my parents died quite young and this is my first experience of a degenerative illness.

OP posts:
SnowdaySewday · 28/03/2023 22:45

My late DGM was similar and would mask the extent of her needs for visitors and could “pass” capacity tests all day long. She was worse when she had a urine infection, as the symptoms would mimic dementia - apparently quite common in some elderly people.

In practice, things only changed on the occasions when she was admitted to hospital as more support was put in place each time so that she could be discharged.

Until that happens in your MIL's case, the person who can have the most influence for change is her husband.
Does he also feel that he is not coping? If so, would he go to his own GP and explain his situation, as being her carer is a factor in his own health needs? It might be that help could come through that route, eg carers or a technology assessment to support him. It should also be possible to set up a What-If plan for if something happens to her husband, ie what happens with MIL if he is taken ill?

One thing I wish we’d known earlier was to go to Citizens Advice for information. They were very knowledgeable (far better than the string of locum social workers) as to what is available locally, including what services are called and how to access them, as these things aren't consistent across the country.

TheOrigRights · 30/03/2023 09:19

@SnowdaySewday thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for sharing your own experience, though obviously I am sorry your DGM had the same condition.

Her DH is not coping very well at all. He struggles to accept that her behaviour is due to her condition. She is very, very cruel to him, and bad mouths him all around town (he's stealing her money, the house is all hers, he won't let her out or do anything etc - all not true).
He has been to his GP and has dangerously high BP. It's been high for a long time (life style choices), but this is sending it through the roof.

He has asked me to accompany him for a carers assessment at MH/dementia services in a couple of weeks.

His relationship with MIL's DD (not his DD) is very, very strained which doesn't help.

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