Difficult behaviour from mum

[moochops]

My mum was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I am struggling to keep her well. We have a difficult relationship, I grew up dealing with her depression, anger, frustration, and the threat of her committing suicide. She has always rejected all help, refusing to take medication that might help her. She has had therapy but did not stay the course. I know that I cannot keep her alive, but I still feel very responsible for her (I have no siblings, mum lives alone in a warden-controlled flat and refuses to engage with other people).

Recently, she has been telling me some very concerning stories; stories that are probably not true, but still cause me to worry. These can be things like accusing a trademan of stealing from her (a shower curtain, a pie), accusing neighbours of horrible behaviour, telling me that local children are coming into her flat and stealing random things, accusing another family member of bullying her... I am taking most of these seriously (excluding the stories that are clearly untrue), but I feel like I am overwhelmed with these complaints.

She rejects all offers of assistance. If I gently tell her that I am not a medic/therapist, that I can only assist her by getting other, qualified people involved, she gets angry and it escalates very quickly to threats of suicide.

She doesn't eat, she chain smokes, she isn't looking after herself. I just don't know what to do to help her.

Those kind of stories are really common from people with Alzheimer's. They are unlikely to be true.
Have you contacted social services? It sounds like she needs carer visits to offer medication, make food etc. Even it's just heating up a ready meal. These tasks are probably overwhelming for her now.

If she is still under memory service (some discharge to GP after diagnosis) I would get in touch with them regarding her mood. Otherwise GP who may refer to mental health.

You could also contact social care but if your Mim has capacity they may not be able to do much.

Feeling people are stealing things is quite common with dementia. If you don't understand why things aren't where you remember then you try to explain it to yourself and it can be really difficult for anyone to convince you otherwise (especially if you can't remember / understand you have memory issues). If I came round your house and moved all your stuff around then told you it was all where you left it and basically you were being daft (not suggesting you are saying this to her!) you would feel pretty frustrated and upset and this is what it feels like for her. That doesn't make it less frustrating for you unfortunately!

All you can do (other than getting other people involved) is acknowledge how frustrated she must be that this seems to be happening and that it must feel very frightening. Reassure her that her flat is as safe as it can be and you will let the warden know to keep an extra eye out for her.

I have considered this, but I am worried about exposing anyone else to her smoke (the chain smoking is a huge issue) or to accusations of theft and/or bullying. Honestly, nobody is safe from these stories, she almost caused WW3 on Mothers' Day by accusing my MIL of visiting her to verbally abuse her (we know this isn't true as the story didn't add up and it is just not something my MIL would do).

Mum's GP indicated that she would ask the 'social prescriber' service to get in touch, but they either haven't, or they have been turned away by mum. I feel like I need to intervene, but it seems like while mum is able to articulate her disdain for any offers of help, she is deemed to be sufficiently capable of knowing her own mind.

I really feel for you @moochops as Dementia can be hard to deal with when a relative you love and care for has it, your relationship with your M must make things harder for you.

For now I would think about how much you want to be involved and remember, you don't have to care for her, it really is ok not to look after someone who abused you when you were a vulnerable child.

I had literally just looked at a book on FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) for a DF.

Do you want to take things like LPOA? It may be too late if she's already been diagnosed and she may need a Guardian.

Are you happy to arrange a Social Care Needs Assessment? It's absolutely fine if you don't but you might want to phone Adult Social Services and report that you have a safeguarding concern about your DM.

And look after yourself, you need to figure out pretty quickly what your boundaries are and how much you are willing to do

Thank you all for your replies. Things are never easy, but I do appreciate your advice. I have an appointment next week with an Admiral nurse next week, so I will make a list of questions to cover with her. Your replies have given me some steer toward the things I should be asking/thinking about, so I am feeling a little more positive today.
Thank you all so much for your replies 💐

Also happy to take that book recommendation @PritiPatelsMaker if you can give me the title/author? I know I have work to do in this area, so will gladly seek out any books you can recommend! x

I've not read it but this one covers FOG and seems well reviewed