Mum with dementia far away.. any advice please?

[pineapplepancake]

I hope someone can help, I have a few questions and lots of worries about my 76 year old mum.

She lives 2 hours away from me, lives alone, and has a number of health issues, giant cell arteritis, pre cancerous cells in her blood, and a slipped hip replacement. She was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment at the memory clinic last summer but her memory has rapidly declined since then.

Earlier this week I had a call from the radiologist at one of her appointments regarding her hip as she was concerned that mum keeps missing appointments, she forgets she has them even if she writes them down. The radiologist suggested I chase up the GP regarding her memory, and I have been trying to get through to the memory clinic since then to see if we can bring forward her 12 month follow up appointment, but no luck yet.

I'm so worried about how quickly things are declining. Her neighbour calls me with updates which mum doesn't know about, (she would be upset with us both for talking about her) and tells me that mum forgets to get shopping in for example, and when she, the neighbour, takes mum shopping then mum forgets her PIN numbers and isn't able to pay, so she pays for her and then mum forgets to pay her back.

I think I need to get POA, I'm visiting mum in a few weeks time and will talk to her about it, but I know from experience this will be futile as she will forget the conversation. A dementia diagnosis is needed too I think.

I really don't know what to do for the best. Mum has talked a number of times about moving closer to me but I know she doesn't want to, she is comfortable in her house, but I really don't know how I can help in the best way. I wish I could see her every day and help.

When I do spend time with her, in the school holidays, she just seems so down and unhappy and as though she doesn't want me around. She finds it difficult to cope being around my children. (I'm a single parent which makes it even more difficult to visit her regularly)

I'd be grateful for any advice, or to know if anyone has been through anything similar?

It sounds as though your DM might need carers coming to make sure she's having medication and is eating? Has she had a Care Needs assessment?

Have you informed her GP if your concerns about her?

As for the POA, could you apply whilst you are with her before she gets a diagnosis?

Some practical things like having her put you on her bank account so that you can pay her neighbour for the shopping, applying for Attendance Allowance, Pension Credit and filling in a Herbert Protocol might help

Thank you for your reply. I wasn't aware about Care Needs Assessments, this is all so new to me. I've looked it up and will contact her GP to see if he is able to chase up the memory clinic as a start.

That's all so helpful, thank you!

You might be too late for POA unfortunately.

It also might be too late to have her move closer to you as well. Her familiarity with her surroundings may be masking how bad she is and moving her and removing all her props may be detrimental to her.

You need to get her flagged up with GP and care services and as per pp get her a proper assessment.

Do not over commit yourself.

There are things that can be put in place to help her cope.

Oh, and take a look at the cockroach cafe thread - it's super helpful!

I think a carer once a day would be a start. She should be entitled to non means tested benefit to help pay towards this. They can make sure she is eating and organise her shopping. And remind her about appontments. Maybe arrange a taxi to take her to appointments.

Thank you all so much, your replies have made me go from feeling completely stuck to realising there may be some options.

I called her GP this morning, luckily mum has given me permission to speak to him, but no appointments available today so I shall try again tomorrow.

Hopefully he will be able to get a sooner appointment with the memory clinic, and then I'll look into a care needs assessment. (Which I hadn't even heard of until I posted here)

Perhaps I'll broach the subject with mum to see if she'd be ok with a carer going just once a week to start with maybe to check shopping / medication / appointments. I think that will need to wait until I see her in person but it won't be long.

I think @Forestdweller11 you may be right about missing the boat with her moving closer. We talked seriously about it a year ago when Mum came to stay for a weekend, but she changed her mind once she got home again. And every time the conversation comes up it's as though it's the first time the idea has been ever mentioned, even though we've discussed it so many times.

I have a feeling mum organised POA a few years ago, but I don't receive any paperwork, so that's something else to look into when I visit. It may be that she just talked about it then didn't do anything about it.

You can check if she'd set up a POA here, I think.

Oh and some MNers have had success with introducing Carers as a friend of the family.

@PritiPatelsMaker thank you so much, that's something to think about too.