Didn’t get on with mum, now she has dementia. How do I cope with my feelings / what to do?

[SingleMumOnlyChild]

I’m 52, my mum is 77 and we live in different countries (for 15 years). She’s had dementia for a few years. She is still early stages. My dad is a retired doctor and her main carer.

She was always a difficult person, when younger and well. Stubborn and argumentative. She made my dad’s life hell. Now; in his words, she’s « like a lamb » so her personality has completely changed. My dad is struggling with being « stuck with her » for 3 years. He used his retirement as an excuse to basically live in a separate country to her most of the time. My mum was very happy on her own in the U.K., my sister lived nearby and my mum was independent.

Now my parents live in their home country and I’m visiting them. My dad is extremely capable and in excellent health. But he’s in his 80s. He is also very kind and patient with her; but he misses the freedom he had in his early retirement.

They have live in help in one of their 2 homes. But my dad won’t leave my mum to get the respite care he needs. She has a huge amount of learned helplessness; which has just got worse with age and dementia. We are slowly persuading him to leave her for a day or 2.

I am struggling with the unfairness of her basically being a bitch to my dad for decades. (She obviously remembers none of it.) She was also extremely abusive towards me and I’ve had therapy on and off for years about it.

im no longer angry with her. But when I see her, I’m basically indifferent. I’m not rude to her, but I don’t engage her in conversation, because basically I cannot be bothered. I feel (a bit) bad because now she’s just a harmless old woman. But even now; I get triggered that she is still dragging down my dad.

thank you if you’ve read this far. Please help me process my feelings.
is it ok for me not to give a shit about my elderly mother?

@SingleMumOnlyChild my DF has severe dementia, he has not been a kid or loving father to either myself or DB and we are both coping in our own very different ways with the situation. DB prefers to avoid all contact q d hasn't visited DF in his care home since he was admitted. I am fumbling my way through as best I can. Its very hard having DF sobbing on me about his situation when I can remember sobbing at the thought of going home after a night out because he was in the house. I try to distance myself and I'm just kind, because I like to think I'm a better person then he will ever be and whatever I do or don't do now is what I have to live with nit him as he is dying. It is fine to not give a shit as long as you can live with whatever decisions you make

@SingleMumOnlyChild I hated my father. Fucking loathed him. He got dementia which actually meant that we could be in the same room without arguing for the first time in 30 years.

The best advice I was given by a friend was that it is ok to be angry - in your case to not give a shit.

I visited him in the care home, but I think I was doing that more for my mothers sake and to be a dutiful son. Maybe I actually enjoyed being fully dominant.

Don't feel that there is a correct way to react, or that you have to suddenly bury old feelings just because of the condition

DM if you want a private chat or rant

@RiktheButler my df is/was a bully, I could list so many things he said and did that would shock people, our lives were hell. I have actually got some of it off my chest in last few months I would never have dared say while he was ill, I realised then how scared of him we all were. I try to make decisions about his care without thinking about anything other then what is right as I don't want his behaviour to cloud my judgement. I make sure I'm a better person then him. I would love to say his illness has made him softer or kinder but it hasn't, I had to have him sectioned because he became verbally and physically abusive. He only sobs on my shoulder now for himself, not us or what he put us through.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. It’s helping me process my feelings and I appreciate that.

I think I can relate to being kind to her for my father’s sake. I guess if he can be kind and considerate to her now when he was the brunt of her abuse, then I can make the effort for the few days I’m here.

its so easy to slip back into « inner child » mode even as a middle aged woman and still get flickers of what she used to be and feel triggered.

Although being here with them for a week, I can now see that a lot of her behaviour when we were all younger was down to her not being able to regulate her emotions and she took out every frustration on us. Mainly my dad and me as I was the eldest.

I can also see that my dad « enabled » my mums behaviour as it was easier to give in to her than subject himself to a tirade of her ranting. They’re both victims of their own upbringings. It was another time and they have maintained old patterns which allowed dysfunctional behaviour.

i can choose to step into my adult self and just be a little more understanding for the next couple of days. In a way, it’s part of my own therapeutic journey to let go of her behaviour in the past and just see her as she is today….

I'm 53 and in a similar position. It's going to be tough. Mum only diagnosed a year ago but she's quite progressed. I live a few hours away and am an only child too. Not close at all to my mum - well, that's an understatement. Slightly better relationship with my dad, but he's a lifetime enabler of her poor behaviour and boundaries. Im also a single mum with two young (for my age!) kids so am not "available" easily due to the children and distance.

Happy to share experiences.

My dad's wife has dementia its hit a lightning speed.

I hated her, she was abhorrent to my children and lied to my father... We had no relationship for the last 5 years really.

Now he has a physical degenerative disease and she has dementia, he lies to SS and the GP that all is well...they get zero support when I believe they should be getting twice daily carers.

Yesterday she thought I was my dad's girlfriend.... It's hard to be cross with a confused old lady.

I commited to one morning a week, for cafe then shopping... My dad tries to guilt me into more but I refuse. Its draining, the mental load of them both is exhausting

Luckily, my mum is perfectly polite to me. My dad also has a plan for when she gets too unwell to be looked after. She’ll either get a full time carer at the house or she will go into a home where my dad knows the owner.

I think knowing that there is a plan in place has helped me process this all. A few years ago, it would have been unthinkable me being in her company for even an hour.

I’ve downloaded the book « adult children of emotionally immature parents ».
I think if I can make sense of her past behaviour when we were all younger, it will help me come to terms with the present.

Is she your stepmum? I wouldn’t be going at all in that case.
Not sure of the procedures but can you not tell the truth to SS?

It is really hard when the other parent is an enabler; however well meaning.
If your mum’s dementia has progressed fast; can she not go into a home?

@SingleMumOnlyChild I say progressed fast, I suppose what I mean is she’d prob had it for years but avoided diagnosis (another story!). She was assessed about 7 years ago but “passed”. She knows who we are, and isn’t as bad as some of my friends parents (seems everywhere unfortunately at my age), but she’s stopped driving, got lost going to the shop up the road (police brought her home), and thinks there’s people in the house at night etc. She not incontinent etc and can still get dressed. So, I suppose in my eyes she’s still way off a home. No way would my dad allow it anyway. If something happened to my dad (he’s 82) she couldn’t live alone. Not sure stage she’s at. But it’s only going one way.

OP, I can understand how you feel. I was low contact with my Mother for various reasons.

When she was in the early stages of Alzhiemer's I had to help her as there was no one else that would or could. I felt sorry for her. I've been drawn into doing all sorts of things. I won't go into it but I don't get much help from family.

My Mother is very stubborn and controlling and always has been. This has made things worse for me. I took a few days off work recently and just wanted one day to myself. I took myself out to a cafe for a treat. My mother then rings me to complain about her lovely kind carer.

I feel like doing a vanishing act. I wish I'd cut ties with the whole family years ago. I would have been a lot happier but then she's an old woman who needs help.

Not easy is it?

I was never close to my Mum and had a very dysfunctional childhood. My emotional needs were ignored and I was frequently hit or slapped. I didn’t find out the man my Mum was married to was actually my step father and then spent years trying to find my bio dad. Thanks to Mum’s lies I was deprived of meeting my bio Dad and have only recently met my half sister. My Mum was diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago and has deteriorated very quickly. I’ve really struggled with the increased contact having been low contact for years. I try not to get involved and have refused to give my phone number to hospitals and social workers. Mum's second placement in a nursing home has failed due to her extremely aggressive behaviour and I find her aggression very triggering. I’ve made it very clear to social services about my past history and told them they need to sort this out not me. The problem I find is it’s very difficult to get support as there’s a societal expectation that you will care for your parents. I also have the added stress of being an only child.

Been looking for someone who has had past relationship like mine with their mother and now has to look after and visit with dementia. You sound very similar. So hard to be accused when have worked so hard to get help. Fully triggers the past.

I'm in the same position. Put care in place if you can. It's not an easy position to be in at all. A healthcare professional told me that you don't have to be involved if it is going to affect your health. That was good advice but unfortunately there is no one else to help