How to cope with grief

[giroux]

I’m at very, very early stages of diagnosis of this with my dad, but it seems like dementia is what he has.

It has come as quite a shock, as this has been quite rapid following a major surgery, but honestly, none of us noticed this until recently.

I feel utterly bereft and I feel like I’m grieving already. I’m constantly finding myself crying. Is this normal?

Are there resources that anybody has found helpful for grieving the loss of someone who is alive? ( I know Google exists, but I really feel unable to search around as I feel like I’m wading through mud).

Mumsnet hasn’t let me down in the 19 years I’ve been coming here (since I joined my first due date thread), although I never thought I’d be on this board 😞, so thank you lovely ladies in advance.

I don't know if it was a pilot scheme or it it is something that is available everywhere but twelve months ago I had counselling through Cruse Bereavement Care specifically for "anticipatory grief". I was put in touch with the counsellor through a local Dementia society. That might be a good place to start with finding if there is something similar offered in your area?

In the meantime though what you are going through is very normal. I have struggled so much with coming to terms with what has happened with my mum and, as I put it someone recently, I am not beginning to love the person she has become while still missing the person she was.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere This counselling sounds a really good idea.

And your phrase is spot on: I am not beginning to love the person she has become while still missing the person she was.

My person with dementia, now thankfully dead (brutally put, yes, but the truth) I did not love them, I loved the person they were.

giroux I am so sorry. Your journey will be unique, though similarities will be present. Try to not overthink it all yet until diagnosis is given. Crying is normal, but tiring. Much sympathy.

Thank you both, it feels weirdly reassuring to know that my reaction is ‘normal’. I’m not sure why that comforts me but it does.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I’ll look for "anticipatory grief" support - I’m hoping I’ll get it through my work.

@TightFistedWozerk you’re right! Crying IS tiring, that’s probably why I’m so exhausted.

It is funny how me looking into new boards on Mumsnet has charted much of my adult life…

Have you looked into local dementia support group?

Have a look for local dementia support groups. Local to me there are several memory cafes that meet regularly. They provide support for both the sufferer and those caring for them and offer safe spaces to talk.

I'm on the same journey I think with my husband. I've done a lot of crying these last few days. We're waiting for an appointment at the Memory Clinic. At the moment he's in denial and I'm not sure what his reaction will be when he's actually diagnosed.
I feel like hell is coming slowly towards us and there's nothing we can do.
I'm so sorry OP I completely empathise.

@vodkaredbullgirl and @justgettingthroughtheday I haven’t yet - mainly because my Mum doesn’t want us to. She doesn’t want anybody labelling him yet (her words). And, I have to respect that. She’s a wonderful wife and she’ll ultimately be able to be fine about this, but right now I think it’s a combination of her being in denial, and also her not wanting people to treat him differently.

Of course he IS different now and will need to be treated differently… but she’s on her own journey too. That said, I might start making enquiries for myself.

@been and done it. oh I’m so so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Watching my mum have to deal with this, with the husband she loves so much, has broken my heart. I’m sending lots of good thoughts to you over the World Wide Web.

Everything you have said resonates completely.

OP I dreaded my parents aging and dying and totally went through anticipatory grief. When my Dad ended up having a stroke and being in hospital I ended up doing a self referral via the GP website to was given access to an online CBT ( was offered group sessions) resource which was useful.

I also firmly believed my Dad had dementia triggered by the stroke - Doctors also asked if he had this…. once he got home he gradually got better and I think the business of the ward, machines beeping, not having complete darkness at night so lack of deep restorative sleep he may have developed hospital delirium which can appear similar to dementia. If your Dad has recently come out of hospital maybe this could have a bearing, particularly if he was OK before?