I need advice

[ventura44]

im Sure my Dad has dementia.
I’m finding it so hard to cope with and this is just the beginning.
I can’t have a conversation with him anymore.
it takes him such a long time to process a simple sentence.
what’s the signs you first noticed.
do I tell him?
I just feel lost and stressed out.
x

It's a scary time for you and probably for him as well. Has anyone else noticed anything about him? How often do you see him?

I think I was the last person to realise that my mum had dementia. I was in denial. Mum has severe arthritis and I had been her carer for 15 years or so. In June 2019 she spent three weeks in hospital with sepsis and when she came home she was different. I was so pleased she was alive I tried to ignore it. Her mobility had deteriorated and she was obsessing over stuff.

Her mobility deteriorated. She couldn't follow programmes on the tv that she used to love. She had hallucinations (audio and visual) and she could no longer tell the time - she would phone me in the early hours to complain that the carers hadn't come and she wanted her lunch.

Then she had a fall and ended up in hospital. While she was there it became apparent that her cognitive abilities were changing. She went to a rehab unit for assessment and a social worker assessed her and agreed that she needed full time care and she moved to a nursing home in October 2021.

Since then she has deteriorated further - she has no mobility, she is incontinent, she has lost a lot of her speech and language.

Because I was with mum all day everyday I didn't really see the changes. It was only when she was in hospital and I was visiting every other day that I saw how much I had covered up/filled in the gaps.

If he's having problems processing things, I don't think there is any point in telling him, he will probably just forget what you've said.

Do you know when the last time he saw a Doctor was? Could you book him an appointment for something like a "medicine review" or a "well man check" as a pretence to get him there for an appointment to be referred to the memory clinic?

Does your DF have any Carers or Social Worker yet @ventura44?

So sorry to read about this and that you feel lost and stressed out.

It's a good idea to get him to the doctors as soon as you can. If you ring his surgery for advice on how to get him seen, they may have things in place that can help.

They can rule out things like UTIs (which sometimes give symptoms that seem similar to dementia)

If your dad does have dementia, the earlier he is seen, the earlier he might be able to have any medication that could be beneficial to him.

It also means that he can be signposted to any services that are helpful.

A call to the Alzheimer's Society for advice and/or signposting is worth doing too.

The first thing is to get a diagnosis. You'll need to get your dad to the GP, then ask for a referral to the hospital for memory tests, and a brain MRI. Once you know for sure what's wrong, you'll be able to access help sites like the Alzheimer's Society, Dementia UK, AgeUK.

Thank you for all you advice.
last week I got the courage to tell to him I think his memory is getting worse when he told me he had forgot his glasses. I told him that I had noticed a few changes etc.
it did not go well, he told me to mind my own business and there was nothing wrong with him.
I have been to doctors with him for blood tests, urine infection check.
All came back fine.

I think we are past the stage of getting medicine to help him.
it started 7 years ago when my Mum died.
i have noticed slight changes every year.
His house is a disaster, full of clutter and buying lots of food but not eating it.
not throwing food out that is out of date.

trying to have a very simple conversation is even so frustrating.
He practically lives in my house, so I do see him every day.
the strain on my relationship is not easy.
my husband puts up with so much.
Dad got his eyes tested last week they gave him glasses and he insists he doesn’t need to wear glasses and thinks the optician gave him them because he was cheeky.
they told him he had cataracts but thinks they gave him them.
there is no reasoning with him.
i feel so sorry for him but it’s like I’m banging my head of a wall.
the guilt I feel is terrible and being in the middle trying to keep everyone happy.

It sounds as though you are very frustrated @ventura44, and understandably too.

Are you getting any support? Have you contacted your local Carer's Hub?

What's the plan for your DF's future? Do you have POA?

I have POA which is helping.
I got it done around 2019 when I first suspected something was going on.
the only advice I get is take him to doctors and get him to memory clinic.
There is no way he will go and won’t except anybody’s help even mine.

Would he go to the GP is he thought it was just for a prescription review?

Could you ask the Gp to do a home visit? I think it's definitely worth talking to the GP's surgery to see what they can do.