I’m trying to learn how I can best help my dad, who I suspect has dementia. However, the biggest obstacle is how I can help someone who won’t let me help. My dad is refusing my help on most things, and he is point blank refusing to make an appointment with his GP. It seems we have reached an impasse and I’m not sure what to do.
My dad is 76, and is in general ill health. He lives alone in a council house. He has had one, maybe two heart attacks in the past 10 years, and has been treated this past year for bladder cancer. Over the past couple of years, I’ve noticed my dad becomes repetitive in conversations and he forgets what he’s told me. Most of this was put down to “just getting old” . However, over the past 6-9 months, this has become dramatically worse.
I’m not sure whether this helps but here are some examples of things that have happened that have raised concerns over the past couple of months;
Yesterday, he rang me at 6.30pm in distress because he had got on the wrong bus and didn’t know where he was. I went out to find him and brought him home. He had left home at 4.30pm to get a bus to the next village along (around 1 mile away) , but he couldn’t explain where he had been for two hours, and he couldn’t explain how he got on the wrong bus. When he realised he had got on the wrong bus, he got off the bus in the middle of nowhere near a busy intersection on the A1 , which is very worrying.
Increasingly forgetfulness and confusion. Within the space of 5 minutes, he asks the same question. It seems he genuinely doesn’t realise he’s already asked. A specific example in the past month is that one evening before Christmas, he rang me asking me to buy a specific item for his grandsons Christmas present. The following morning, I rang to say I had bought the specific item and would be going to his house later that day to drop the present off. He didn’t know what I was on about – he’d forgotten/didn’t understand that he’d asked me to buy the present. I explained , and he seemed to understand. Four hours later, I arrived at his house with the present. He had forgotten again, even though it was only four hours earlier we had the conversation.
He has been putting a lot of things down to general age/scatterbrained. He has lost the key for his pre-payment electric meter. Cannot find it anywhere. He has also lost some important paperwork.
He had forgotten where his glasses were. They were found in the local Co-Op supermarket. I have no idea how he had come to lose his glasses in a supermarket.
Continuously repetitive conversations. “Is {grandson} at swimming tonight?” “No dad, he goes swimming tomorrow”. Two minutes later, “where is {grandson}, is he at swimming” “No dad, he’s going swimming tomorrow, remember?”. Two minutes later “is {grandson} swimming tonight?” This isn’t an exaggeration.
Last week, he forgot his PIN number for his debit card. He just couldn’t remember it. We’ve ordered a new PIN (that is the one thing he let me help with, ringing the bank with him), and I have made a note of the PIN number in case he forgets it again.
I have tried talking to him, to try to let me help, but he doesn’t want to let me help.
I have suggested I make an appointment for him to see his GP, and gave him the option of me attending with him if he wanted me to, or if he prefers he could go alone. He refuses to let me make the GP appointment. When I attempted to dial the doctors phone number anyway, my dad became very angry and upset at me, and left the room and refused to speak to the doctors receptionist.
I have offered help with paperwork and admin tasks/errands. He lets me do basic shopping for him, but won’t let me become involved with any of his paperwork. I have tried the nicey-nice approach, and told him that I love him and I am here to help, it’s what familys do. He still wouldn’t let me help. I have tried a firmer approach, and told him that his pride is getting in the way, and to stop being so proud and let me help. That didn’t work either. I’m genuinely not sure about his finance situation. We’ve always been a ‘poor’ family and he racked up big debts about 20 years ago when I was a child, but I never knew to what extent. He could have £100 in his bank, or £1000, I genuinely don’t know (or even care – I just want to help).
He is becoming quite isolated and quite often will not leave the house for several days at a time. He suffers from IBS and during a flare up, he doesn’t risk leaving the house, so it is very hard to take him to any appointments.
Another difficult obstacle is that he is a very heavy smoker. I had hoped that the bladder cancer diagnosis and treatment would make him quit smoking, but he is smoking just as much as ever. Funnily enough, he never forgets to buy his cigarettes. He won’t entertain any discussion about cutting down his cigarettes (I have tried, for years, to encourage him to cut down).
I’m not sure where to go from where, or how I can help him when he is stubbornly refusing to do so. I’m an only child and he has no other family so there is no one I can ask to step in to help.