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Dementia and Alzheimer's

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Flip

Original poster

neighbour

18 replies

Flute56 · 24/11/2022 22:12

my elderly neighbour has dementia not that bad but she does forget things. She is on her own. Her kids live about 2 hours away and dont see her often. I use to go in and chat with her and offer to do any shopping. She was grateful and so was her daughter. The neighbour is now in a care home, temporarily on respite. I went to visit her and she was so pleased. As her main problem was feeling lonely in her own home she now has others to chat to in the home so I feel I shoul step back an let her family take over.

I phone the home today to find out how he was and asked to peak to herr saying I was a neighbour. I was told she did not want to speak to me. I rang back and explained that I was not some random neighbour but the person next door and told them all that I used to do for her and said to the manager, if you say to her who I am then maybe she will change her mind because she knows me. The reply I got was no we cannot do that because he has told us she does not want to speak to a neighbour and we cannot tell her who you are because we have to respect her decision. Because of her dementia she did not ask who i was and when they said it was a neighbour she probably thought it was one of the other neighbour that never bothers about her. Should the home have gone back an tol her it was me and give her my name Is it worth me trying again in a couple of weeks and next time being speciic and saying mmy name

OP posts:

RememberedForAllTheWrongReasons · 24/11/2022 22:32

I would try again another time and say ‘my name is Flute, I’m calling to speak to Joan’. She may well have been doing something -chatting, watching TV, tired and didn’t want to come to the phone- so maybe knew who you were (why would neighbours who don’t bother actually phone?) and just didn’t want to talk to you at that particular time.

If you are concerned you could speak to her family but, and my own DF has just gone into a home with dementia, they do tend to get quickly into a routine and feel happier not deviating from the routine as it can unsettle them. DGM with dementia would love a visit but after 10 mins would be quite anxious that we go so she didn’t miss her lunch/tea and biscuits or whatever because of her routine in the home.

The important thing is she’s safe, well cared for and she now has company and isn’t lonely.

DahliaMacNamara · 25/11/2022 20:11

Try again another day. It's very likely that she wasn't in the mood to speak to anyone, and it wasn't intended as a snub to you. Things can change very quickly with dementia. Don't expect anything consistent would be my advice.

Original poster

Flute56 · 30/11/2022 18:26

Unfortunately I will not be having any more contat with the neighbour. I rang the home a few days ago and was told she did not want to talk to me. I said I was a neighbour. I rang again today and this time I was very clear to say my name thinking that if the neighbour know which peron was phoning she might want to speak.

The manager answered the phone and said she said she did not wih to speak with you, That was the other day but unless and until she asks my neighbour she will have no iea if she has changed her mind. . All the manager sai was ring again in a few days. I asked why the neighbour refused to speak to me and the manager sai she just said no and we have to respect her wishes. I thhen asked the manager i she woul want to know the reason why if it was her trying to get trough to soeone and she did not even say I will go and find out. All she said was speak to her daughter to findd out.

I then rang the daugher and let a message and all the daughter said was the care home emanager does not want you to ever ring the home again. That was NOT what the manager sai to me so I dont believe that. The manager quite clearly said ring in a few days. The daughter has bi polar so I think the daughter is sopping me rom making contat by making up the fact that the manager does not want me to ring again. The daughter also accuse me of intereering. I am aghast because the daughter said oh mum woul love you to go and visit her and all that I have doe in the past for the mum andd the daughter sai she was so glad that I live next door to her mum so I can keep her company andd do bits of shopping if needed. Now heee is accusing me of intereereing. Everything I have ever done for my neighbour has been with her ddaughters full permision.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flute56 · 30/11/2022 18:32

I also think that if the manager does not try to put me through to the neighbour then how on eart can she say she does not want to speak to me. That may have been the cae then but this is a few days later and she may want to speak to me now.

I fin the whole situation so bizare that I really am not going to get involve anymore. I think the daughtere used me when her mum was living next door and now her mum is in a home, she has discarded me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flute56 · 01/12/2022 12:41

bumping up this thread

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DahliaMacNamara · 01/12/2022 12:57

MIL went through a stage of being vehemently against the neighbours 'finding out' about her dementia. The fact that it was obvious even to those who didn't see her every day entirely passed her by. Perhaps it's something along those lines. I'm afraid there's not much you can do to force the issue. What is it you want from the family?

Original poster

Flute56 · 01/12/2022 13:21

my situation is not the same as yours. The family have said she has deemetia. I just wantd the family to let me know why their mum wont speak to me because she nevr acted like that before. The family willingly gave me the name of the care home an sai do please go and see mum because she would love to see you

OP posts:

helpfulperson · 01/12/2022 13:55

unfortunately dementia isn't logical. although there may be a reason she doesn't want to speak to you it isn't necessarily one that would make sense to you or i. think toddler logic. If you want to keep some contact i would suggest a christmas card and put some information in it so the staff can help her place you. eg lots of love annie, neighbour from acme st

Suzi888 · 01/12/2022 13:58

She has dementia, it’s likely related to that. If she can’t see you, doesn’t understand what a phone is, a phone call, doesn’t want to move, who knows. It’s a very cruel disease.

TwoBlueFish · 01/12/2022 14:02

Could you send her a card in the post and say that it would be lovely to see her and include your phone number

parietal · 01/12/2022 14:09

there are various possibilities here

lady with dementia really doesn't want to speak to you, either because of the dementia itself or something else
care home manager has taken against you & is trying to cut you off
daughter has taken against you and told care home manager to cut you out

Unfortunately, I'm not sure it will be possible to distinguish between these. you could send birthday card / christmas card / postcards to the elderly lady herself. But otherwise there is not much you can do.

Original poster

Flute56 · 01/12/2022 14:19

I guess I have not experienced this before. What has made it worse is noboy has exlained anything to me. That is why I came on here. The care home told e to phone back in a few days time Then the ddaughter told me the care home do not want me to try again to speak to my neighbour. Surely if that was true then the manager would have told me that herself and not saidd ring again in a few days time. I do not believe for one second what the daughter has said. The daughter know what I have done for her mum and was very appreciative of everything and even told me she was glad her mum had someone like me to keep an eye on her because the daughter lived quite far away. If the daughter really did not want me interfeering as she said then she woul not have given me the name ann address and phone number of the care home. She would also not given me peermission to go and visit here mum.

I understan that with dementia moos fluctuate but its the daughter that is now the isue, telling lies about the care home and banning me from ever speaking to the neighbour again.

You sure find out what people are really like. I did absolutely my best for her mum and this is the thanks I get

OP posts:

Stomacharmeleon · 01/12/2022 15:11

Can't you pop in there?

Catlitterqueen · 01/12/2022 15:20

My mum has dementia and gradually went from ringing me to chat to not wanting to speak to anyone on the phone as it made her anxious. Could this be the case?
I’d be inclined to pop round to the home & say you’ve come to visit.

Original poster

Flute56 · 01/12/2022 15:53

you did not readd my last post properly. I have an issue with the daughter banning me from having any contact. She is th issue not the neighbour and if I call roun at the care home the daughter will know an she will be very angry with me because she more or les tol me to stay away. The daughter has mental health issues. A reasonable daughter would say sorry mum wont speak to you etc

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Stomacharmeleon · 01/12/2022 15:59

@Flute56 your posts are hard to read tbh. I think you want too much for your help. You did a nice thing. It was nice. The daughter clearly has an issue with you.... and has probably spoken to the manager of the care home or the old lady in question is struggling to settle with dementia and they are trying to keep things simple.
I don't know....

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 01/12/2022 16:21

Why are you so intent on speaking with her?

Mosaic123 · 12/01/2023 18:57

Sadly I think it's best if you forget all about this ex neighbour.

You won't find out what it is.

Often people with dementia accuse those closest to them of stealing from them, even their own children, when they misplace things. It's very sad.

Perhaps this is what the neighbour said to her daughter.

Of course it's untrue.

Flip