Work and dementia

[bravelittletiger]

My dad has Alzheimer's. Was diagnosed about two years ago. He's ok and living independently but of course is slowly deteriorating. I live half an hour away and work 4 days a week but I'm wondering if I should be trying to find a three day a week job to be able to see him more. If I worked three days I would also have my two toddlers to look after on that day off. I currently see him once or twice a week. I'm actually not sure how many part time jobs exist in my industry but I'm wondering if I'll massively regret not doing it if I don't or if it's really just a bit unrealistic.

Is there any other help that you can put in place instead? Reducing your hours would affect your pension.

Does he get Attendance Allowance? Are there carers/cleaners going in?

Thank you for your reply. He doesn't need care yet and lives independently. I suppose my question was more about whether I will regret not spending as much time with him as possible whilst he is well and whether I should be working part time to be able to make that happen.

How would it work if you had to take your toddlers along especially as he deteriorates?

I don’t think it’s a good idea. Just do what you can do at the moment and ask adult social services for an assessment for him.

Agree with out. Realistically it's not going to be quality time with your DF if you have 2 toddlers in tow.

I'd concentrate on making the two visits that you already do as positive an experience as you can.

How's he coping with things like cooking and cleaning? Have you got a POA in place for health and finance?

Yes we have a PoA in place. He's fine with that stuff at the moment as far as I know (he lives with his wife) but she's always done far more than him of that stuff anyway. He's still very independent in most ways. He's getting a bit worse each year as you would expect. It's still mainly manifesting in his short term memory and he gets round it a lot by pretending he remembers things.

It sounds as if you would like to spend as much quality time with your DF as you can, which I think is lovely and important. Dementia is horrible and also progressive so I think it is wise to think about this carefully.

However, at this stage I'm not sure reducing your hours at work is quite the solution. If your DF lives with his wife and is pretty independent, do they as a household want you there more often? Wrangling two toddlers whilst at your DF's house doesn't really sound like quality time, even if he dotes on his grandchildren multiple times per week could get a bit stressful. This is definitely something to talk about with your DF and his wife, perhaps as part of a bigger conversation about how things are going.

Can you instead try to figure out how to get some quality time with your DF in different ways so that you can look back at this stage without regrets? e.g.
would another family member watch the children for you so your and your DF could go out for dinner or to the pub together? Take a day trip together? Have a movie night?

This is excellent advice and I think it's the way I'm leaning too. The thing is I don't want to embarrass my dad by making it obvious I am spending time with him because I know about his illness but I think you're right that I could be more creative with thinking of ways to see him. He's quite settled and a home body so he's at home with his wife a lot pottering around and it's unusual for him to go out in the evening so it would be unusual for him to meet me for dinner and because I work and have children seeing him in the day is difficult.
But you're right that rocking up at his house with two small children probably isn't the solution either. I want to respect his current independence but also make sure I don't have any regrets about anything. He likes walking and things so perhaps I can engineer a couple of walks with him or a coffee once a week just the two of us.

I think going for a walk with him at a regular time and then maybe lunch or coffee and cake would give you the quality time you want, it would give your DF some exercise and it would give your DSM some time to herself which can be precious when you are caring for a loved one with Dementia.