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Dementia and Alzheimer's

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What do I tell my mother about her health?

9 replies

Anycrispsleft · 03/11/2022 17:47

My mother has Alzheimers and it's not been confirmed yet but it looks like she has late stage liver cancer.

She's in hospital right now with a chest infection but the doctor phoned me today and told me her bloods were not looking right so she had an ultrasound and there is a mass on her liver. She will be having a CT scan in the next couple of days to check for metastases. So they're not absolutely giving her a diagnosis of cancer yet but it is very likely.
I've been speaking to her on the phone and she feels really unwell and she said to me she thinks there is something more sinister than a chest infection. In fact the doctor has already told her they suspect cancer, but she has forgotten.

I don't know how to approach it with her. I don't want to keep it from her if she would rather know, but I don't know if she would want to know really, and in any case is there any point upsetting her if in 10 minutes she's just going to be upset and not know why?

I don't think there's anyone she would want to make her peace with - her closest family are all dead except me, and the ones that are left I'm pretty certain she would be horrified if they knew she had dementia.

And to avoid drip feeding: I've only been in touch with her again this week after she was taken into hospital, before that it was literally years since we spoke. I discovered that she was hurting my toddler daughters when my back was turned, and this was after a childhood where she had done the same to me, so I broke contact with her. But I don't wish her any harm, I'd like to make this as easy as possible for her.

I'm a bit lost to be honest.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 04/11/2022 16:06

What a dreadful situation for you.

I think the usual advice for Dementia sufferers is to not tell them upsetting news because like you say, they will forget it quickly but will keep the emotion.

Strawberrysundaeonamonday · 04/11/2022 16:13

I wouldn’t say anything to her. Dementia must be distressing enough without knowing that she has cancer on top. Especially if she would need telling repeatedly. I don’t think anything would be gained by her knowing. Sounds an awful situation for you.

TokyoSushi · 04/11/2022 16:16

Oh OP, how awful. Agree, might it be best if she just doesn't know?

Fuuuuuckit · 04/11/2022 16:20

I would wait until you have some definitive answers from the doctor about the diagnosis and prognosis.

If as suspected she has stage 4 liver cancer, the prognosis is not good. It might be better for her symptoms to be managed quietly rather than tell her the heartbreaking news that she will likely forget over and over, which will be hard for you both.

I appreciate tha this must be incredibly hard for you too op, please ensure that you are able to consider your own feelings too.

FatToFitPart3 · 04/11/2022 16:22

Perhaps just tell her you’re sorry she feels so poorly, but that you are sure the Drs and nurses are doing every thing they can to help her. That kind of skirts around what the problem is, and if they are actively treating or just managing her symptoms so to speak. Sometimes answering a statement/question with a question is a good way of avoiding direct answers. “I think I’m seriously ill “….”I’m sorry to hear that, what makes you think that?” and so on. And subject change is possibly easier to manage.

im so sorry you are in such a difficult position. I hope you have people you can turn to for some support op.

Anycrispsleft · 05/11/2022 07:47

Thank you very much everyone for your considered advice and for your kindness. My mum died at 2am this morning, I wasn't able to be there in time (her health deteriorated in a matter of hours) but I was on a video call and could talk to her right to the end. I had a couple of good chats with her this week and I never did mention it, at 4.30 yesterday afternoon she was asking me if I thought there was any chance of her getting discharged before the weekend. So she was never really aware of how ill she was, and I'm really glad about that.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 05/11/2022 07:52

I'm so sorry for your loss but it sounds as though your DM had a peaceful death and hopefully that will be of some consolation to you Flowers

Fuuuuuckit · 05/11/2022 09:08

Oh love. I'm so sorry.

FatToFitPart3 · 05/11/2022 09:17

So sorry op. Sending you a virtual hug.

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