I hate seeing my dad waste away.
This time two years ago he was totally normal. Living alone, driving. Nothing wrong.
Today he’s in a care home, confused, talks a lot of shit but mostly just sits staring ahead.
It all came on so suddenly. April last year he started hallucinating and by december he had to live in a home.
He’s not living, he’s existing. He saw his much loved SIL gi through this, he begged me to tell me to kill himself if it started happening to him. It came on so fast he didn’t even know to do that.
Why do we let people exist like this? He’s had moments of clarity over the last year where he’s begged to be euthanised or for them to let him end his life. Their solution was to put him on antidepressants.
I hate this. I really hate it. I’m an only child, my mother died when I was a kid. There’s no other family. My husband does what he can but ultimately, it’s all down to me. Getting him help was horrendous. Selling his home has almost finished me off, there’s been so many problems. He had me later in life, everyone expects me to be in my 60s with grown children, but i’m 42 with a toddler and other young children.
It would have been so much easier if he had just died one day. At least that’s final and I wouldn’t have to watch this horrific, slow torture until he dies.
Every time the home calls for some reason, I pray that they will tell me he passed away in his sleep.
My friend said I was evil for wishing him dead. But he’s not living. He hates this. He doesn’t deserve this living hell.
Im sorry i am just so upset today. He was here today just staring and talking gibberish. That isn’t my dad anymore.