Dad not speaking

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Hi there I'm new here and only just really accepting that my dad has dementia. He is 65 and was sectioned at Christmas time as they didn't think he was safe at home any longer. After a stint in a hospital he is now in a care home that seems quite nice. I'm ashamed to say I haven't visited many times. We were very close and I find it so heart breaking I can't really even think about him without crying and I have a 1 and 3 year old so in order to function I have kind of not thought about him as much as I should have lately. Anyway I've given myself a kick up the bum and I went to see him and he doesn't seem to be able to talk, but there are ladies at the home much older who are all chatting away (not making any sense bless them but you could still have a conversation with them) my dad can't seem to speak at all. I'm worried this means he might die soon . I googled and it said that when that happens they are close to the end. Please be kind I usually lurk on Aibu and they are scary so I have been reluctant to post. I love him so much I really miss him. It's him i miss though not the man I see when I visit. I know that sounds awful 😢 I hope to hear from people that understand . Thank you

Hi ,
firstly don’t be too hard on yourself , dementia is awful for families. Far more so than the patient.
secondly don’t compare dad to other dementia sufferers , it’s savage and it effects literally everyone differently. Yes there are common traits but there are many things an 80 year old dementia patient can do that a 60 year old one can’t. It’s a frustrating condition , however YOU know your dad , talk to him about things he loved, what he did for a job , you , his brothers and sisters. Often sufferers won’t remeber later on in life but can remember their great uncle who came to stay when they were 11!
please please be kind to yourself ❤️ Ps don’t use Google il message you some links I find useful xxx

Thank you so much for your
Reply yea he does remember my auntie (his sister) she's amazing and has really done everything for him since he's been Ill. I have been useless but in my defence this all starred when I was pregnant with my now 3 year old and now have a 1 year old too so I have been a bit selfish I really thought maybe he might just get better!! I know that sounds silly . I did find out some stories from old school friends of his before I went yesterday and I did chat to him about that and even though he didn't speak he did smile and nod. I could tell he remembered . I took my one year old and he seemed very pleased he was following her about and looked quite proud . On another note she made the other residents day as most of them are older ladies. They were thrilled to see her I'm glad I went as it was not as scary as I thought it would be and I will go back as much as I can. This sounds a bit mean but I just think will he even care if I visit though? As I don't think he remembered me yesterday. He really really loved me I was his everything and it was awful seeing that he didn't know me . I'm going on about myself again! Gah it's awful isn't it . I just want to know where he went ? How can someone just be gone but still be there ...

Bless you, I know how hard it is when you have such tiny children and dementia strikes your parent so young. My mum was 64 and my son was 1 when we first knew something was wrong - and like your dad it was her language that went first. Very early on she didn't have any words for things, and it was a very different course of how things went for her than someone with alzheimers. Her damage was in the fronto-temporal areas so all the brain processing done in there was damaged, and it was hard to tell about her memory.

Yes it's hard to tell isn't it. I think because I know him I can tell by his eyes or his expressions that he knows or remembers but then I think maybe that's just wishful thinking

Don’t feel bad about speaking about yourself and stop putting yourself down. Everyone deals with it differently. If he smiles and nods he feels safe around you and even if he can’t remeber your name he remembers you make him him feel safe and happy. I can’t promise you he will notice if you come or not but from what you’ve said he enjoyed it. Babies and elderly people have a great rapport it’s crazy but we do a baby group at work with dementia residents and it’s absolutely lovely to see the interaction. Do what you are comfortable with and don’t ever feel guilty if you just can’t face it. Give yourself time to come to terms with your dad changing. Also another nice thing for him would be a photo album , if you can with pictures from way back when leading up to the present time. Get an old fashioned album and write names of everyone (even pets !) and go through it with him. If you don’t mind me asking what was his job ? X

Dementia is a horrid horrid disease.

Like others have said don't compare to others - there are several different types of dementia, so you could be comparing different things.

Does he have a particular favourite type of music / band ? Memory for music lasts a long time, so take along a favourite CD of his (sorry old tech !) Have a bit of a sing-a-long. Play my DM some jive music and her feet start tapping and she dances away in her seat for a bit. She can sing a long to ABBA - didn't even know she liked ABBA !

Lovley ideas here thank you . He was a tool maker and loved music like black sabbath etc . Yes my baby did make there day she picked them all daises as she is obsessed with flowers at the moment. I haven't taken my eldest as at 3 I think he might be a bit scared

One thing that I wished someone had told me was not to take anything personally, and not to put too much effort into something like photo albums, music etc until you've given it a little try. Mum absolutely hated photos (that got launched at me) I think as she couldn't understand them but felt like she should know. Her music taste changed a lot and she didn't get pleasure from it. But she absolutely loved a toddler 'press the button for the music' book as it was very repetitive and short

Thank you that's the thing it's so hard to know what to do. I'm so grateful for your replies though . I was sure I'd get someone being nasty and saying I should be doing more I just don't know what more I can do. I never thought this would happen

There are lots of different types of dementia and even the same type can affect 2 people in very different ways.

For example: www.alzheimersresearchuk.org/dementia-information/types-of-dementia/primary-progressive-aphasia/

Primary Progressive Aphasia is a rarer type of dementia which really affects speech and language but people can be quite well aside from this.

Not speaking doesn't mean he is necessarily going to die soon, it just means whatever dementia he has is affecting this area of his brain.

Please don't feel bad about how often you visit. He is safe and cared for and you need to look after yourself (and family)too. It is a big thing to come to terms with and there isn't anything unusual about that being really hard.

Thank you I haven't been back since I posted as I was so scared I'd have lots of comments calling me selfish etc. you've all been so lovley thankyou