Despair

[Vcal2017]

Hello from Australia. Still cold here, so don’t feel jealous!
I’m sitting here feeling pretty sad. I guess I’m looking for some empathy and any ideas.
My Dad, 81 has recently been diagnosed with Altzheimers. He lives in our old family home, a dark and depressing house( in my
opinion) with a huge garden. He is originally from Derby, England so it’s a very English country garden type vibe. He had a housemate who was stealing from
him and has now been removed from the house. There were lots of examples of elder abuse from this housemate.
But now he’s much changed. He’s often depressed. He doesn’t wash. His clothes are filthy. He’s doing all weird things like putting rubbish on the floor, spreading butter on his toast with a spatula. He’s forgetting which one of us visited him which day, he isn’t mixing up past and present yet, but occasionally says really off the wall things. He’s also lost a lot of weight.
I know in my heart of hearts that it’s time he went into care but he has made it clear often that he wants to stay in his own home as long as possible. He can’t drive and there’s no public transport where he lives. He’s living like an old mad man circling his garden with wild hair. I miss him so much, but he’s still here.
How and when do I start this process when I know it’s not what he wants? Even though if anyone else looked at the situation they might call me neglectful.
Just needed to offload to people who might understand. Thank you.

I'm in the UK so the process is different but what helped for me was that Social Services took responsibility for the decision. Mum was in hospital and it became clear that she had dementia. For the past 9 years I had been caring for (after dad died) because she was severely disabled with arthritis and had very limited mobility. Her home - a mobile home in my garden - was not suitable for her needs.

I spoke to the social worker and he agreed that mum did not have the capacity to understand the consequences of her decisions and that she would be safest if she was in a setting with 24 hour care. She had told the team she had 5 children. I was her daughter in law. I did a bit of shopping for her from time to time. It was clear that she only had a very light grasp of reality - I am her only child and had been on call for her for the past nine years, taking her back and forth to the toilet, washing, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc. So they began the process of finding her a residential place. She was heartbroken and says she is ashamed that she has been dumped.

She has been there a year and every time I visit she tells me she hates it and doesn't understand why she can't come home. But because the Social Worker's decision I can be "on her side" and reassure her that she needs to get stronger and her home is waiting for her even though she will never come home.

Often there is no help or movement until there is a crisis unfortunately. I don't know what would have happened to us if mum hadn't gone into hospital and the full extent of her disability had become apparent.

You might like to join the Elderly Parents section (under Other Stuff) and the Cockroach Cafe which is an ongoing thread supporting each other through the trials of caring for older people.

Thank-you. It’s heartening to know there are
people all over the world experiencing this. Your way of saying her home is always there
for her( even though you know the reality) is a sensible and helpful way to put it. Thanks again.