Because, currently we are not coping well at all.
Mum is 79, dad is 80. Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018.
I am not sure what stage she is in but would say it’s the late part of the early stages. As each month passes, her memory is getting worse and worse and her needs greater. She is forgetting so much.
Dad does not cope well. He is quite a stubborn man and whatever ‘help’ I have suggested over the years he has sneered at or refused but he constantly moans about how he can not cope with mum etc.
Yet he is lucky in many ways because he has both his dd’s living in the same village as they do.
My dsis works full time but pops in a few times a week and does a big clean once a week (she has her own cleaning business). I work part time so am about more than my sister (although am just as busy as I have dc and she doesn’t).
Up until last year I was doing most of the help, I was doing a lot but had to take a back seat as I made myself very unwell with the stress of it (dad totally oblivious, says I’m stressed because of my dc!), but I still do a lot.
The problem is that if I don’t help with things like washing mums hair and cutting her nails etc then it doesn’t get done (although he has, this week allowed her hairdresser to come in once a week). I refuse to let my mum look disheveled because dad can’t be bothered to help her and say things like ‘well she’s got dementia so she won’t care how she looks’. Mum always took pride in her looks.
Like I say, dad has refused many suggestions of help and after a year or so of me suggesting a carer he agreed to let me get one in for an hour a week to start with, kind of a foot in the door but 4 months on and she is still only there for one hour and just draws pictures with mum. I’ve suggested we now up the hours and get her to do some more bits such as personal care but he used all kind of excuses not to take this forward, ie he’s not too keen on the carer as she’s a smoker (she never smokes in the house of course) or she’s very expensive (She charges £22 per hour and mum has £90 per week attendance allowance and they have ££££’s in the bank ffs). He is always finding an excuse. I know he really would just be happy for my dsis and I to do it all regardless of how stressful it is to us.
He moans constantly that he has no time to himself so I got mum in a day centre for one afternoon per week to give him 3 hours but because mum doesn’t remember from one day to the next she would get confused every time we got her ready to go and say she didn’t know where I was taking her and she didn’t want to go (she was always fine when I got her there and collected her) but dad insisted we cancel it. Now all her does is moan that he can’t even have a daytime nap without mum bothering him.
It is so so stressful. I just don’t cope well. I feel sick to the stomach with it and with my own issues (anxiety, depression bad IBS and Perimenopause), caring for my own family and being a part time carer myself I literally feel like I am losing my own sanity as I’m splitting myself into a million pieces trying to help everyone.
It is on my mind 24/7 and has a huge impact on mine and my families life. DH gets really pissed off as he thinks dad should dig into his pockets and fund the help himself rather than relying on me (dad is very old school and thinks I should give up my job and dh support me!!). I understand what dh is saying and agree but he doesn’t see the predicament I am in, I feel torn as I know my parents are struggling so much.
If you have a parent with dementia how do you cope with the stress of it?