How to approach this conversation

[bingo876]

Hi all just hoping for some advice please.

My grandad has Alzheimer's and is declining quickly, he is still at home and my grandma is his carer. He struggles hugely with memory, confusion, lack of logic etc and also can be very aggressive / angry in how he speaks to my grandma.

She needs a break desperately! We have tried to talk to her about getting some carers to come in and take some pressure off but she is reluctant so at the moment, me and my mum help wherever and whenever we can to allow her to have some time out.

My grandma really wants to attend a family party that's happening in a few weeks, it would involve a 2 night stay away from home, there is no way my grandad would cope with this but it's important to my grandma so myself and my mum are going to come and stay with grandad so that she can go.

He isn't going to like this - he doesn't like her going out even for an hour and she really suffers the aftermath if she does (I guess because he feels unsafe without her but the way he projects this is horrible for her)

How can we present this to him in a way that will reassure him and allow her to have her time away without too much upset? Any advice would be much appreciated x

I have no advice on how to present it to him. But I would advise you to get a social worker involved, your GP practice will help.

My Mum had Alzheimer's and as time went on, the social workers help was invaluable, daycare, carers, equipment, transport and finally the hospice.

Is there something he likes to do that you could do with him so your grandma can slip out whilst he’s occupied?
I recently took my grandmother on a steam train ride and some cake at the station and then back again and she loved it. It’s a different situation with lots to distract and see so he’s less likely to get focussed on where his wife is and you could always say you are on the way to see her (which isn’t untrue)

Also do you have an Ageconcern or other day centre? My gran didn’t want to go but now 3 days a week she thoroughly enjoys it. Have you sorted POA and applied for attendance allowance? Have a look at belightcare on Instagram for dementia tips and strategies on how to deal with behaviours.
my gran saw the Older people mental health team and was given patches to slow the dementia and also has medication to deal with the evening anxieties so it’s worth asking for a referral

This is an opportunity to start persuading her to get social services involved. Sell it to your gran as getting her the support she needs (a bigger support net, not just a few people) to allow him to live at home (with her) for longer. Rather than him needing to go to residential care sooner if his needs escalate beyond your current shared capacity.