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Dementia & Alzheimer's
Care home visits
lollipoprainbow · 22/08/2022 17:11
My lovely mum is in final stages of dementia, is bedbound, sleeps all day etc. I visit once a week and just sit by her bed while she snores away. I feel totally inadequate but would feel horrendously guilty if I didn't visit. What do others in my situation do ?
Beamur · 22/08/2022 17:15
My MIL isn't quite as advanced with her dementia but I'm not sure she recognises us entirely.
DH visits most weeks but doesn't stress if it's a fortnight. I think it's useful to check that the care they're receiving stays up to standard as you are their best advocate.
But it's not really a social visit if there's little interaction. She may well know you're there though.
I'd say go as often, or as little, as is comfortable for you. Try not to feel guilty.
Defiantlynot41 · 22/08/2022 17:18
I'd say go, for your sake if not hers.
Can you read aloud, sing, tell her about your week? My FIL in very certain circumstances reacted slightly to certain sounds even though appeared to be fast asleep.
lollipoprainbow · 22/08/2022 17:29
I go to catch up with the staff and check she's looking ok and has everything she needs but it feels hard sometimes. Maybe I'm just having a bad day but I feel strongly that when someone is the final stages of a terminal illness there should be a way out peacefully but that's a whole other thread.
PritiPatelsMaker · 23/08/2022 07:07
We visited recently and played some music that she liked and got a little response.
If you're doing it to check she's ok that's really kind.
So hard isn't it?
Soontobe60 · 23/08/2022 07:20
My stepfather is similar to your mum. I visit once a month. He’s no idea who I am, hasn’t for a long time though. I also used to visit my grandma when she was at the end stage of her life - in fact myself and my sister were with her when she died. I used to get annoyed at going sometimes because at the time I was working all hours so it was a bit of a pain, but I also felt that it was an important thing to do. That’s why I still visit my stepfather. Just do what’s best for you. I take a nice coffee and my iPad with me when I go, and read things to him out loud. I only stay half an hour.
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/08/2022 13:41
My mum isn't as severe as yours yet but I expect we will continue visiting as we do now - once a week for an hour or so. The staff seem so genuinely caring towards the residents but I want them to know she is loved if that makes sense? They were teasing last week that she is Miss Popularity because she has so many different visitors - she has a regular visit from my uncle and my cousin and me but she also has random visits from friends and extended family. It really matters to me that they know she hasn't been dumped and that she had a full life before the dementia took hold.
lollipoprainbow · 23/08/2022 20:22
@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm the only visitor my mum gets, my brother can't handle it, my niece and nephew aren't really interested and have busy lives. Her friends don't go. So sad as she was so good at caring for people before she got ill.
Owlcat42 · 23/08/2022 20:30
I think you're doing the right thing, but there's no doubt it's hard. Make sure you plan something nice for you after your visits, even if it's just a coffee or watching a film or something. You'll look back after she's gone and know that, given there was no 'other' way out, you did what you could for her.
It was similar for me in that my sibling and my dad didn't really want to go and see her - my dad said he wanted to remember her how she was. Which I thought was a bit unfair but different people have different attitudes towards these things. Be kind to yourself x
Ramble0n · 23/08/2022 20:39
It's difficult. But you will be glad you spent those hours with her after she's gone. I used to chat with the staff who always brought me a cup of tea and read a magazine and chat to her even though she had long forgotten who I was.
Be kind to yourself and know you can only do what you can do.
nicknamehelp · 23/08/2022 20:40
I think you have to do what you can and feel is right for you. I used to sit by my mum doing my tesco shop. I felt better I had been there keeping an eye on things.
PermanentTemporary · 23/08/2022 20:44
I know exactly what you mean. I visit my mum once a week, it doesn't seem enough as she still knows me etc but it's a fairly long way. I've just had to skip a week and I feel bad but I was completely exhausted and just slept most of that day.
If I crocheted or knitted I would take that with me. I always do take flowers, I used to try and keep a plant going but the staff always removed my clever devices to keep it watered!
I am certain it's worth going as the staff at least know we are still around and interested.
Please never feel inadequate. Can you try and work out what you are feeling inadequate about? I don't see why you would feel that way.
Lovalou · 23/08/2022 21:00
I think its lovely what you're doing. I work in a care home and there are so many relatives that don't come in at all :-(
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/08/2022 21:53
@lollipoprainbow it is so sad when the family can't cope. It may be unusual but I sort of understand where the family are coming from when you say that they can't cope. When my dad was in hospital without any diagnosis they closed the ward to visitors because of norovirus. When visiting was allowed again after three weeks we were told that Dad had aggressive cancer. Mum would not visit him because she wanted to remember him the way he was, not dying. I made sure she knew what was happening and gave her the option to visit but she said no. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him but she couldn't cope.
Ramble0n · 23/08/2022 21:57
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/08/2022 21:53
@lollipoprainbow it is so sad when the family can't cope. It may be unusual but I sort of understand where the family are coming from when you say that they can't cope. When my dad was in hospital without any diagnosis they closed the ward to visitors because of norovirus. When visiting was allowed again after three weeks we were told that Dad had aggressive cancer. Mum would not visit him because she wanted to remember him the way he was, not dying. I made sure she knew what was happening and gave her the option to visit but she said no. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him but she couldn't cope.
I can understand people not being able to cope. It took all of my strength to carry on visiting and seeing my mum disappear before my eyes.
I wouldn't judge anyone who couldn't cope with it.
lollipoprainbow · 23/08/2022 21:59
Yeah I get why people can't cope too, me and mum were best friends she was my rock my everything and it's heartbreaking for me. I take flowers sometimes and spend time making them look nice but it all feels so futile.
bruce43mydog · 23/08/2022 22:08
Your doing amazing visiting your DM often. As long as shes safe & comfortable. I worked in a care/nursing home for years and the amount of familys that just dont bother visiting breaks my heart. You are by no means inadequate. You DM will feel your presence and knows you are there.
Ramble0n · 23/08/2022 22:10
It does feel futile. Your thoughts are all over the place. I really do feel for you. It's a bloody awful disease and I often wanted to run away from what was happening.
backwhiteandredallover · 23/08/2022 22:11
We've just been doing the same as your doing and honestly if I could go back and hold his hand one more time I would. We lost him very recently.
I used to sit and tell my Dad about the silly things the kids were doing, I'd tune in the tv to classic fm, I'd tell him I loved him and tell him to be brave.
You're doing exactly what you should be Op x There are people who don't get visitors at all and my heart breaks for them.
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