Had Enough

[fedupofthisstuff]

I am doing most of the organising of the care for a parent in the early stages of Alzhiemer's. On the one hand I care about them and want them to have the best quality of life possible. On the other hand they haven't been a great parent and have made things more worrying because they are so stubborn and selfish.

Every week there is something new to worry about and sort out. My parent is coming across as a vulnerable and lovely old person but there was all sorts of dysfunctional things happening when I was growing up.

In addition I am dealing with my parent's GP. I wanted to make a complaint about him but I have been told that it would now be difficult to switch to another GP.

It's difficult to explain things on here without outing myself. I don't have anyone to talk to and the Samaritans can't give advice.

Talk about it here

Are you not wanting to care for them but feel you 'should'?

Can you get advice from Age UK? Does your parent have an adult Social Worker?

My parent has carers but I sort everything out. They don't need a social worker.

It's a difficult situation. I do care about my parent and usually enjoy helping them but the worry can be too much. I feel obligated to do all this because nobody else will. I feel so sorry for them having Alzhiemer's but on the other hand they haven't been very caring towards me.

I think I'm just having a bad day.

I dread this happening to me so completely sympathise. I have an elderly parent who has never been there for me and has been actively unpleasant on many occasions. I have to force myself to do some practical tasks but if it came to dealing with Alzheimer’s I would feel as you do. My Aunt has just been put in a home by my Uncle. She is paranoid and was going walkabout and being brought back by the Police. It’s very very hard to deal with, even for a loving spouse. If the GP is no good, ask for another doctor or change practices.

Age UK should be able to give advice . Don’t beat yourself up. You don’t need to feel that you have to shoulder this burden at all, let alone on your own.

@LilythePunk - thanks, I hope you are never in my shoes with your parent.

Alzhiemer's is an awful illness. You would have to be extremely cold not to help someone who suffers from it.

A social worker can be a great help in sorting out care needs. Don't dismiss it.

Gently, you and they may benefit from an adult social worker’s support.

The care needs are all sorted out. I don't do the hands on care. I arrange things and do the worrying.

Talk to age uk and ask where the nearest carers group is held. You may find that the local group dr practice hold/sponsor such a group. The Age uk group were my lifeline when looking after my mil. Very supportive and a huge font of knowledge on just about everything to do with dementias and general aging. They also knew about every type of benefit and grant available.
(I also found buying old crockery and smashing against a brick wall immensely good at stress relief. - each to their own!)
It is perfectly ok to scream about the situation and say no, you refuse to do anymore caring and worrying.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 - thank you for your reply. I'm hoping to get to a group soon

I totally understand where you're coming from. We suffered neglect as DC, both physical and emotional from our DM. Luckily we had an extended family that picked up some of the care.

Have you read up on FOG? Fear, obligation and guilt?

I do see M, usually about once a week but I feel a lot less guilty about the distance now.

M hadn't got Dementia though. You're right in that could change how I deal with her but it can be very easy to get sucked into catering for someone how's shown very little care for you