What to do

[Sunseasandwhitesangria]

My lovely mum has Alzheimer's and lives alone. I live an hour's flight away from her and my only sibling lives 20 mins drive and has a 5 year old. We know that a care home is imminent but knowing her wishes, she would want to stay in her own home as long as possible. We have arranged private carers to come in a couple of times a day and one lady in particular is amazing with her - noticing when she needs help with hygiene, cooking for her, washing etc - and, having fun with her. We have installed a Ring and Amazon Alexa, so we can see who is coming and going at the front door and so we can drop in on her virtually as she struggles with the phone. Mum is at the stage where she doesn't know what time of day it is, wouldn't remember to have meals (just eats when she feels like it) and is very in the moment, although she does know her family and even remembers my partner of 4 years. She is still good fun and gives good advice in the moment.
The dilemma is now over when she should go into residential care. She very rarely ventures out on her own - maybe 3 times this year - and we find out about it when either a neighbour or a random person calls my sister. Today she was found by a neighbour we have known for 30 years, and when she phoned my sister she was very critical and said if it was her mother she would be in a home by now. Clearly the whole road is aware of her condition and her next door neighbour checks in now and again - we are very sad that none of her extended family that lives nearby bothers to visit her any more, or that any of her other neighbours check in but it is what it is - only my sister, me and the one carer visit.
I guess I'm angry and embarrassed that the neighbours are talking about mum and how awful my sister and me are for not "putting her in a home" - as horrible as these recent incidents are, she hasn't come to any harm, but I'm aware it may the next solo venture out that results in her having a fall or worse.
I'm calling out to anyone else in this situation, what would you do? Have I been neglectful by not acting sooner? I'm in a bit of a state.

Once DF started wandering it increased in frequency really quite quickly. He had carers going in for meals etc but he was once brought to DBros house by a concerned neighbour after wandering. Within a month he was wandering repeatedly and was even found out at 1am.

I think it would be time for you to start looking into a place tbh as it isn’t always the case of quick visit and Bobs your uncle, a place is secured.

Hi just wanted to say it sounds like you have taken all the steps possible to keep your mum safe and happy at home. How dare your neighbour criticize you, she should walk a mile in your shoes before making comments like that! You also cannot just "put someone in a home". Until she is deemed to have lost capacity to make decisions, you cannot force anyone to move to a home. However it does sound like she will be needing more care soon especially due to the wandering so it could be a good time to discuss it with her and maybe look around the area at some care homes.

My DM has just gone into a CH after living for 2 years with carers 4 times a day at home. Her alzheimers sounds a bit more advanced than yours but it had got the the stage when she was terrified of being a lone so even 4 care calls a day was nowhere near enough.

Does anyone have power of attorney. If mum is getting forgetful and at risk then you can call adult social services and her g.p for an assessment of her needs and a capacity assessment.. you cannot expect any neighbours to keep an eye on her or check in, its not their responsibility but its upsetting if they are talking about her. The carers can also raise a safeguarding concern with social services or rheir manager if they are employed.

I know its not nice of the neighbour to critical you but sadly there are times when confused and disoriented people do go to the wrong house, leave the gas on, call out, go wandering and some people find that quite frightening.