Mum going in for respite, what to say

[Chocolatefrenzy]

My 80 year old Dad is the main carer for my mum who has alzheimers. He is really struggling and is declining himself as isn't looking after himself properly (a main side effect for carers unfortunately). I also help out as much as possible but the time has come when my Dad really needs a break.
I normally have my mum to stay and Dad has little holidays away on his own but since the pandemic my mums mobility has declined and can no longer cope with the stairs in my house so my Dad has booked her into a care home for a week. To start this Friday
She is totally unaware of this plan, would not be happy about it as according to her she does not have dementia, is in total denial ,goes to school and work (she's 80) etc
I need advise on what to tell her when I take her to the home on Friday. I don't think she'd get out of my car if she knew the truth and lying does not come easy to me aaah help!

Would she be more accepting if she was told that your Dad isn’t feeling well and so he needs to know she’s going to be well looked after while he gets better?

Holiday retreat maybe? Paint it as a break for her as she's been working so hard?

Have PM’d you

Tell her your Dad needs a break and the stairs are too difficult at your house so this is as close as you could get to a hotel during covid

If in her head she goes to school/work then could she pack for a school/work trip? Let her choose things to take and tell her some activities that she may do and build up some excitement for her?

@Hugasauras

Holiday retreat maybe? Paint it as a break for her as she's been working so hard?

This.

You can frame it as an all expenses break for all the hard work she does.

It sounds like a kick in the teeth for your DDad, but keeping her onside is important.

We told FIL he was staying in a hotel because he deserved it and when he was there we carried on in the same way. We’d say things like, ‘I believe the food is very good here’ and ask if they were making him comfortable. Luckily he bought it as MIL was so exhausted and then two days later had a heart attack so he had to stay much longer. In fact it was the beginning of him transitioning into full time lift in a care home.

Thanks all . I phoned the care home the morning of admission to talk through what would happen at handover. They are very experienced with the situation They said they would greet her with a very warm welcome at the door, I was not to go inside so I just said Oh mum I'm just going to move my car, then I left. It was very sad, but the home staff were brilliant

About an hour before she was due to go to the home I turned up at their bungalow with my DD and DS who she loves to see, they distracted her whilst I packed her case up. Then my Dad and I told her the Central heating needed to be replaced over the weekend so she and Dad were booked in to a hotel full board round the corner because there would be no heating and workmen in and out so I was taking her to the hotel and Dad was meeting us there once he'd sorted the engineers out.

I hated lying, felt nervous and sick about it but she was OK and accepted the story.

So glad that it worked out for her. Hope that you ddad gets the good of the respite time.

Oh well done. It sounds like that went really well. It's such a difficult time.
(Especially when you are worrying about both parents.)

My Mum went in for respite last summer, similar reasons, my Dad badly needed a break, but by the end of the summer she had gone downhill so much she moved to residential nursing care at the end of August. She has settled amazingly well and we realised in hindsight that an environment designed for dementia patients is much easier for her to manage than being at home was, seems counterintuitive and we kept her at home as long as was possible. Just wanted to say if this is the next step for your Mum, you might find there are positives too. (Also my Dad has had a new lease of life which has been amazing to see.)

Really hope your Dad gets a rest and your Mum is ok in the home