How can I get my sister to step up?

[oapcarer]

My mum has dementia - probably for about 5 years now.We have only recently got carers, who come in 3x a week. I work 5 days a week. On average 5-6 hours per day and it is shift work. I pop in with medication, food and just to have a cup of tea and a chat to make sure Mum is OK. I have done this for several years - since my father died. My sister runs her own business and has one child. I have two. All are teenagers now, though I find mine still seem to need me a lot - particularly the youngest but the older one needs my support on a practical level. She is doing A levels and is looking at universities.

Recently, Mum had a fall and had to be taken to hospital, where she still is currently. They are only allowing one visitor, which is me. We have a few decisions to make regarding her after care, which involves phone calls back and forth. To be honest, right now, I am finding it overwhelming juggling the children's needs with work and my mum's. To top it all, my sister keeps thinking of things 'we' need to do or that Mum needs but then telling me she is really stressed and too busy to do them.

No matter how many times I say how I feel, it doesn't go in. She was actually away on business when Mum was admitted and it was easier because at least I could just do what I could at my own pace and not have the phone ringing when I was cooking, had just got in or was trying to speak to the kids after school. If I say I can't talk right now, she just carries on

She is not the easiest person to talk to and can be confrontational. Any suggestions?

Every time she suggests something ‘new’ tell her that you can’t take on anymore. I don’t think your sister is wrong to say if she can’t take on anymore.

Has your Mum had a recent care assessment? Does she need more support?

Not yet. She will need the house adapted. I am terrified that they will discharge her then forget about her. I have voiced my concerns to the hospital who say they will make sure she is safe. I asked my sister to call them because she is more forthright and better and thinking on her feet than I am but she says, since I spoke to them first, it will get confusing if she starts ringing in the middle of it and suggested a Zoom meeting. As if they'll do that

My sister and I split up my mums needs and days of the week. So my sister is fantastic at organising stuff and getting it done. But she's not so great at just sitting with my mum and being good company. But I am good at that. I oversee everything that happens Fri Sat Sun and my sister does Tues, Wed, Thurs, and we alternate Mondays. It's about equalling out the load. It also helps if one is totally responsible for something so the other one doesn't interfere.
You're both going to have things that distract you, like your children, but you need to make sure that you have time away from your mum to spend on yourself. It's a long game where things just keep getting worse so conserve your energy now as much as you can.
Working with siblings is the hardest as we don't tend to respect others boundaries and can be very blunt when speaking to each other. I love mine dearly but the situation is a cause of friction between us and I think that is in some way inevitable.

When she rings with something for you to do ie. Take Mum to the dentist., you reply 'OK I'll make an appointment for Friday but you'll have to do her shopping this week'. Don't ask her, tell her. When discussing your Mum, just make it clear she will be doing her fair share. If she says she can't do the shopping, you reply, 'OK you do the dentist then' . If she can't do the dentist either, make it her problem to solve 'have a chat with DP, he could take after he finishes work'.
No asking please can you, just tell her.

I think the sad truth is she's not going to step up and help;she's delegated it all off to you and doesn't see it as her responsibility.

It happened to my FIL in the final 5 years or so of his mums life;he's the eldest of 3;the youngest sibling did nothing to help saying he was too busy;the middle sibling begrudgingly did little bits and bobs but try to site health issues as his excuse and my FIL got lumbered with it as he lived the closest to their mum.

Elderly parents who are in need of their children's help bring out the best or worst in people.Your sister is a selfish cow.

What is the aftercare going to look like- a package of care, a nursing home?

Would your sister email instead of phone or whatsapp? I find that helpful.

You can say no. It's allowed. 'Sounds ideal but I can't take that on at the moment. What other options are there?'

Did she bully you as a child?

Tell her the things she thinks "need" doing will be her job. She will either step up or stop coming up with more work for you.
As most of this is on the phone if she gets confrontational just hang up.
Every single time she says "we need" or "Mum needs' say "that's great your sorting that, let me know how it goes" if she says she can't "ah well, not to worry" then don't do it!

Make it slightly business like- take notes while you speak and send them in an email.

That way when she says 'someone will have to xyz...' you can say 'great, I'll make a note you're doing that'.

The lists of who is doing what will make it really clear:
Carer: visit three times a week, check meds, coordinate carers, organise grocery shop.
Sister: ring hospital.