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Dementia and Alzheimer's

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Funeral advice please

5 replies

interferingma · 13/01/2022 18:45

My mum's funeral is next week. Dad (who was married to mum for 60 years) has advanced dementia. He lives at home with two full time (and lovely) carers. Me and my husband told him the news soon after mum's death and he seemed to understand, although he is largely non verbal now, as well as lacking in much facial expression. He responded to the news by his cheeks flushing, then shook my husband's hand and reached out to ruffle my hair.
His carers now report that he is asking where mum is. So they tell him.
My question is, will the funeral be too much for him? We've deliberately kept it small. But I'm worried.
On the hand if he doesn't attend perhaps the consequences will be awful?
In a quandary!

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 13/01/2022 18:55

I'm so sorry for your loss. People will have different views, but to me his attending the funeral is important because it's an inherent part of the loss/ grieving process. My experience of dementia is that inherent understanding is often still there, even when it can't be outwardly expressed. I think you'd regret not giving him the chance to grieve in the way that we would, and it sounds like he has the support from you and his carers to manage the process as well as he/ you can.

interferingma · 13/01/2022 18:59

Thanks @CorrBlimeyGG
That's my instinct tbh. And the carers will be right with us in the family section and can wheel him
out pronto.
I think I'm just after reassurance!

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helpfulperson · 13/01/2022 19:03

I think it's a good idea for him to go, but don't be surprised if he keeps asking for your mum afterwards. That is when it may be better to just say 'she'll be back later'.

There are no right answers to this. Sorry about the loss of your mum

pepperaunt · 15/01/2022 17:56

My DH’s mum (dementia) went to his DF’s funeral. She actually did fairly well (children/spouses kept an eye on her), but continued to ask for several months where he was. I think we all agreed bringing her was the right thing to do.

interferingma · 16/01/2022 09:24

I had a good cry with dad yesterday. He actually responded and put his arms round me. So I think he gets it. He may need reminding. But I think the mistake o made was to be so brave when giving the news that I was weirdly un-sad and I think that floored him.
He's going. Whether he'll make it to the wall or not we'll see
Thanks all

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