I don't expect any answers, but a bit of handholding or shared experience would be nice. Sorry it's long but there are paragraphs!
I have suddenly become a carer. Well I suppose it's been coming on for a while but now it's confirmed. He hasn't had a diagnosis yet, but the GP has done a full assessment (physically he's ok) and has referred him to the memory clinic and advised him to self refer to an NHS counselling service for his severe anxiety. I've done that for him and he has an appointment for a triage consultation on 30th December.
I'm quite worried about that because he tends to downplay his condition to everyone except me. He did it with his first phone consultation with the GP, luckily she asked to speak to me. To me he says he's useless, worthless, a burden to everyone, can't he be put away somewhere. He can't be reassured about anything - he is convinced "they" are going to suggest brain surgery, which he will refuse.
He has lost his whole world. He is 83 and up until a year ago was still working physically in the house and garden and on our boat. The mental symptoms started alongside his failing strength, so for instance he kept losing tools, getting disorientated and confused, forgetting what he'd just done or was planning to do.
I have always thought he was on the autistic spectrum (sorry if this is not the correct terminology). He is an engineer, very black and white thinking, no sense of humour, difficulty with empathy, face blindness, needs strict routines. It runs in his family. He has managed this very well and had a successful working life (relationships not so much). Now it seems he can't access those coping strategies so he gets very agitated if anything disrupts his routines. For example, he has to get up at exactly the same time every day and although he doesn't need me to get up at the same time, he insists on knowing when I will get up. So I have agreed to him bringing me a coffee at 8 every day, then it is ok for me to lie in if I want to. But he has to do the coffee routine. We have had men working on the outside of the property - that agitates him. If the bin men are a bit late he keeps going outside to check.
We have been together for about 22 years and he gave me a wonderful life, travelling round Europe in our own boats, and eventually buying a house in France but continuing to go fishing and cruising. All that is over now and it is my turn to step up to the plate.
But he hates being so dependent on me and beats himself up about how much "work" I am doing. We have just sold up in France and moved back to UK to live in a house I own and had rented out. The last couple of years have been very difficult, covid, Brexit ... and I have had to do masses of complicated administration in both countries. But although this is time consuming, frustrating at times and tedious it is something I'm good at and have always done. Even before he was ill he "couldn't" send a text or use the internet. I am aware that a lot of this I have allowed because he was always so fully involved in the more physical work - it seemed a fair enough division of labour.
He used to cook sometimes, especially for guests, now he finds it too difficult and confusing. He is so anxious he's reluctant to do the simplest DIY job like hanging pictures, and then of course he feels bad about it.
I am slowly trying to get some support. What he really needs is someone who will just listen to him talking about the past and to meet other people. He's very isolated. I think I've found a resource but of course everything takes time especially at this time of year.