Mum won't consider being tested for dementia

[TheFeistyFeminist]

Mum is nearly 90 and still lives independently, has done since my Dad died nearly a decade ago. In that time she's gone from being on the ball about stuff, doing her own shopping and taking herself out for her social life, to being a shell of a person who needs help organising her meds. I used to take her to the supermarket weekly but since the pandemic we bring her the food she wants.

I could write a list of the topics we will talk about at every visit, and tick them off every time. These are almost exclusively unhappy memories from her past. We never discuss happy memories. She won't start a conversation about my childhood for example. Any conversation I start is rapidly altered to be a conversation about a sad or angering memory she has.

Increasingly those memories are inaccurate. For example she's adamant she and dad went to a particular place on holiday and I know for a fact it is somewhere my dad said he never went. If they had been, there would be photographs and souvenirs, just like every other trip they ever went on.

She is convinced that people steal from her. I don't stop to think what she might say about me behind my back. I know what she says about other relatives and it would break my heart to think she might say stuff like that about me to others.

Today I put a small pile of paper aside for recycling. Nothing personal, just e.g. used envelopes and the sort of cardboard you get when you buy a calendar. She took it, and hid it, so I couldn't put it in the recycling bin.

I have read about hoarding and dementia. She refuses to be referred for any tests. We pay all her bills, organise her insurance, tv licence, food shopping. We involve her in everything so she knows what is going on. She has a sheet to fill out every day with what medicine to take when. She won't have a pill organiser, and keeps every medicine record sheet she has ever filled in, going back years.

She's my mum and I do what I do for her willingly, but oh my goodness it's hard, isn't it? Knowing how she is today is the best she will ever be again, and things will continue to get worse.

Have you spoken to her GP? I think if you call and explain the situation the GP could call her in for a "check up" and take it from there.

Have you done PoAs for health and finances yet?
We couched them both in terms of not squabbling over her sickbed, with lots of

That will help. Age UK are a go9d resource.
Very best wishes, you are on a journey that can take dark turns, please do lean on us who have been there.

Yes OP, it is hard, very hard. I have been fortunate in that I'd had no dealings with dementia before it consumed my mother. My goodness it's a vile disease!
I second what FlibbertyGiblets has said about getting Power of Attorney. We didn't manage it in time and are now on the long, arduous and expensive Court of Protection route which just adds to the stress and worry we are already experiencing.
Take care OP and don't forget to be kind to yourself too.

It's really hard. As PP said, please look at getting lasting power of attorney before she loses capacity. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is essential.

Sorry, but this could my MIL you are talking about, you really need to face this head on.

I second the advice about the POAs, but even more important is persuade your mum to give permission for the GP to discuss her medical condition with you. The surgery may have a consent form she can sign.

In any case, speak with the GP and they will find a way to test her as soon as they can.

Agree with getting POA if you can and consent to speak to you. Without the consent she doesn't have to reveal anything to you even if she did engage with the process of getting a diagnosis.

The Elderly Parents board in Other Subjects is good for offering support @TheFeistyFeminist

Yes to getting the GP involved for a memory check.
And at some point you will probably have to involve Social Services. They can firmly encourage carers becoming involved, and did so when my MIL was prescribed medication for the dementia.

Just to add, I'd also fill in a Herbert Protocol. It's a form that you keep in case your DM ever goes missing. The prospect might sound unlikely now but as most people with experience of Dementia will tell you, they can suddenly start to leave home et odd times abs not know their way back.

To fill it in, Google your DM's Police Force followed by Herbert Protocol, like "Derbyshire Police Herbert Protocol".

I'd also apply for attendance allowance and try abs connect with your local Carers group.

As PPs have said, the POA is the most important thing right now.

Will she consent to POAs for health and finances?