Caring for someone with dementia

[Creamegg11]

Just want anyone’s thoughts on this as to how challenging this may be.

MIL has been staying in a care home the last 6 weeks on the recommendation of professionals and the police.
FIL lives at their home. He recently received a bill from care home and is frankly shocked at how expensive it is.

One of their children, proposes that as she has some medical experience, she’s a nurse of some capacity, she’ll change her work pattern to part time as she’d liked to look after her mum instead of the care home but wants to be paid for it by their dad to make up having to change her work pattern.

This is causing an upset amongst the siblings as they want their mother to stay in the care home to receive the best care 24/7 and doesn’t think their sister is responsible enough and only out for the money. This is also causing undue stress to their elderly father too.

Personally I think it’s a huge and possibly stressful situation looking after somebody with dementia surely?

How advanced is her dementia? Will part time care be enough? All sounds a bit casual. And yes, it is hard.

Has your FIL had a financial assessment done by social services? He may not have to pay the full bill depending on savings levels etc. He cannot be forced to sell the home he still lives in to fund care.

Caring for dementia sufferers is a 24/7 job. If it is not now it soon will be.

Personally, I think that if professionals are recommending a care home, then part time care from a relative is unlikely to work. What happens when your relative isn’t looking after her mum? Some one else will need to be on call at all times. During the days, At the weekend, over night, When your relative wants to go on holiday, what happens then? We didn’t want my dgm in a care home, but after a week of trying to muddle through taking it in turns as a family, we realised it was just not going to work, however much we wanted it too.

Why are the police involved?

I totally agree with your points and this is what we are trying to get through to her. I don’t know the ins and outs of their finances.

Police were called by MIL as she said husband wasn’t letting her out the house and when she does manage to escape, police are bringing her back. Elderly husband is unable to cope and was then recommended by police and doctor that she goes into a home. Now all this sibling arguing probably not doing him any good either.

Has she been seen by mental health services and is she on any medication? In my job we would usually try support family to keep person at home if that's what primary career wants and it is safe to do so. However, we are not an emergency service so it really all depends on the situation/risks. There are many devises available now- door alarms, trackers etc but it needs someone to respond and act... would this be daughter even in the middle of the night if DH feels unable to manage this? Medication can be used to reduce the symptoms of anxiety, paranoid ideation, irritability, psychosis but again everyone responds differently and you have to take into account the persons frailty/risk of falls.
Often families disagree with what is best, but dementia is a 24/7 job (and more often than not symptoms become more pronounced in an evening). It's the DH that has to live there and manage her. I'd think if the daughter wasn't moving in then most of the care would fall to DH as daughter may not be in 'working hours' when things got tricky. If it's more help for personal hygiene, mess, shopping, cleaning, medication management etc then daughter could do it or home care.
As others have said they should have had, or will need to have, a care needs assessment completed by the LA. This will look into their savings/pension income etc and decide if they need to pay in full or contribute to the care setting or home care.

Mess was meant to be meals!

A cautionary tale of what can happen.

My B did this to my DF who leapt at the offer of being kept in his own home. Later I found out DF changed his will to leave his whole estate to B. Unfortunately B clearly didnt anticipate or want the level of work involved and spent years pressurising me to do more and more for my DF. He got him diagnosed with dementia shortly after DF had changed his will and made B sole power of attorney. B controlled the finances and medical decisions related to DF. This included signing a ‘do not rescussitate order on his behalf). DF had terrible care until he died. I lived too far away to be his regular carer and had a small baby/child at this time and although he had home visits from carers they were poor quality and he spent most of the day on his own in a chair with the TV set to a continuous loop of advertising on a channel he didnt subscribe to and a hearing aid that didnt work (I got it repaired for him but the carers kept putting his clothes in the washing machine with the hearing aid in a pocket! The carers couldnt even do basic cooking for him properly.

He would have been much happier either in a home or with better quality live in care but B had control of his finances so it wasnt to be.

You may want to have a good chat to your Dad and sister. Its nice to think a relative will care for you but the level of proper care needed can be huge. There is a reason care homes and live in care is expensive!

@DustyMaiden

Caring for dementia sufferers is a 24/7 job. If it is not now it soon will be.

Yes this. If you haven't done it, you've no idea how bad it is. And even if you have a great deal of experience the disease seems to affect people so differently.

I would say you will most certainly get to a point where 24 hour care is needed and a home is the best place for that. I dont think anyone can give 24 hour care with the best will in the world. A specialist dementia care home is expensive but it is usually what they need for their own safety

If she's receiving full time care in the care home and her daughter is offering part time care who is going to be covering the rest of the hours? Presumably the rest of the time it's going to be dad doing the care and supervision? If he was unable to cope before then is what his daughter is offering going to be enough for him to be able to manage?

If MIL needs supervision 24/7 then whatever plan her daughter is coming up with needs to recognise that and from what you've said it doesn't. Well it does, it will fall on FIL. If MIL has been there six weeks then there's a fair chance that she has settled, to bring her home and then have to place her again if the arrangements fail would be causing unnecessary disruption.

Is it genuinely expensive or has FIL not grasped how prices have risen?

Thanks everyone for your responses. My husband spoke to his dad tonight and it appears that my MIL will stay in the care home for all the reasons mentioned by everyone and his sister has accepted this although unhappy with the decision.

I'm glad it's all worked out. It really is the best way for everyone.

Looking after someone with dementia is a fulltime job and it really grates on you. My parents took in my grandma when she had dementia. I think there was an element of inheritance being swallowed up to the decision but they took on more than they could chew. My mum became sole carer to her MIL. She would soil herself every night. Couldn't remember anything. Became aggressive towards the end (and this is the nicest Christian lady who wouldn't say boo to a goose). Dementia sufferers really do need professional help.