To move or not to move ?

[bigreddrum]

Mum (77) still waiting for memory clinic but has been referred. She lives with dad in a village about 3.5 hrs away from me.

Village is nice with a pub and they have a few long term friends who will pop in for a cuppa from time.

Mum is forgetful and rambly in conversation. She doesn't seem to understand time any more. She cannot be without my dad at all either due to loss of confidence or fear of losing her way - even inside the house. This is very stressful and tiring for dad who is 80.

The house is an old property that isn't very practical for them but they have a cleaner who could increase hours etc.

There has been always chat in the last few years about them possibly moving to my town to be closer to me and my family. But mum always has changed her mind about going through with it in the past and if we mention it now she doesn't seem to register the meaning of actually moving permanently and selling their current home.

Dad is happy to move or stay and sees the pros and cons to both. I have applied for POAs for both.

In an attempt to prepare myself as much as possible for the tough years ahead I have been reading a lot and most people say being close by is very important to be able to manage better and it is much less stressful BUT I have also read that a move could precede a rapid decline in the condition. So is it worth moving them ?

I understand the implications this could have on my own family life but I have accepted that. I just want to do what is best to manage the care for both of them over the coming years. Any advice appreciated.

Thanks all

If your parents agree, it would be best if they could be close to you and in a low maintenance single level flat or house. You should also consider whether they would want a live in carer in the future, if so an extra bedroom and bathroom would be needed.

Difficult choices but good you are thinking about it now.

Have you been able to talk to your Dad about how bad your Mum is? Not being able to be away from him, frightened of losing her way in her own home sounds like she could soon require additional care to just your father or possibly full time residential care. If that were the case would your father prefer to spend his days in his village where he knows people or is he brave enough to start again somewhere new?

A big move at your mums age with possible/probable signs of dementia is likely to be very difficult but if they were closer perhaps she could be cared for at home for longer. But you need honest discussions within the family/with your Dad. Caring for your mum full time might be too much for him at his age.

Good luck with whatever decisions you come to.

An honest, but unhelpful comment is they should have moved several years ago. If your Dad is amenable get them moved into a flat or bungalow asap. In a town or city with access to care, near you. I've read so many times about how hard it is to access care in rural areas. Tell your mother the truth: that the alternative is going in a home not staying where she is.

Thanks - all really useful
perspectives. I'm lucky in that dad is very happy to chat through the situation and is very open to suggestions. He can see the advantages and disadvantages of both staying and moving but I think will be a bit led by my brother and me about what might be best - it's a lot of pressure.

It's a really good point about where he'd be happiest if she were to need residential care. Again he's pretty easy going and loves being close to the grandkids so I think he'd still be happy with a move in those circumstances but equally he loves his local pub and so . I would also be closer in order to visit more which I think would help him.

My main concern is that although mum sometimes seems to understand the concept of moving, in the next sentence she will talk about their big garden and what she wants to do with the pond etc next year...

I am worried that a move will spark a big decline in her and I will feel forever guilty.

And yes - a move several years ago would have been perfect

I only said that about moving a few years ago because in my experience of family, friends etc its always later than you think and yet people still feel guilty for moving their elderly relatives. You absolutely shouldn't feel guilty: it is time. If your mum or dad go downhill afterwards, its because that's what happens to old people, not because you moved them. My sister and I had to move my parents, even though my mom didn’t want to move. It was extremely stressful, wondering if we were doing the right thing. Very soon after the move she didn’t even remember the old house she'd lived in for about 65 years!

Echoing the weary comments of posters above who say it’s too late to move. DM will get very demented very fast if you try.

Being in her existing home is masking how senile DM is now. This is hideous to say, but she’s a lot worse than you realise.

Focus on fixing what you can - DF’s long term needs (he’ll be living independently longer than DM) and where the decent homes are.

This ain’t going to be pretty, but unless DF start to cooperate with cleaners and carers her next move is a home. DF might be better off in a flat near you- up to him.