How do you help a parent with likely early onset dementia?

[Usplusone]

I am feeling a bit stuck and would really appreciate some advice from anyone who has experience with this...

My DM aged 65 has had noticeable memory loss for at least 10 years and has recently been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment in a memory clinic. This issue is she lives alone with the closest family (DSis) about an hour's drive away. She is very proud and is not forthcoming with any problems.

I have discovered recently that my aunt has given her money twice when she has run out. She hasn't paid the dog walker for 5 months. Her house is a mess and probably unsafe. She is noticeably becoming more confused. On a couple of occasions she has confused me with her sister.

I am terrified she is going to have hidden debt and something awful will happen. She's a vulnerable person and appears to have little insight. To be able to support her I feel we really need to get LPA for finance. However I'm not sure how to get her to agree to this without spelling out the extent of her condition which will upset her. It then feels like coercion and unethical.

Does anyone have any advice? I was wondering about speaking to a charity for guidance but don't know where to start really. TIA

Does anyone regularly do any admin/banking/internet searching for her?
I dropped hints to DF several weeks in a row that, as DS no 1 sorted out his prescriptions/banking, instead of always having to be there on the phone to agree they could talk to DS, it would be handy for him to have POA.
In the end he had a little fall & was checked over at the hospital so it was then easy to suggest the health and finance POA could be set up together. He doesn’t really understand the full extent of his memory issues & telling him would only upset him.

If you suggest a cleaner would she agree? If she needs assistance you could apply for attendance allowance for her.
Help the aged have an advice line & If you put her postcode in it will advise on anything in her area that could offer support, there are trained befrienders, there may be someone near her.
www.ageuk.org.uk/services/in-your-area/dementia-support/

I hope someone with more knowledge & solid advice comes along soon,.

You need to contact adult social services and do a self referral as they can get the ball rolling.

Get her to write a letter, with your help, requesting you have access to her medical info and can be called about it etc then ask for a dementia review.

Contact the memory clinic and ask for the number of the dementia nurses and then call them and explain your concerns.

You need to contact a solicitor about an LPA and then liaise with GP surgery.

GP can help with deeming her to have capacity to make financial and health decisions.

Hi both, thank you so much for the advice I really appreciate it. Unfortunately she doesn't have anyone helping her with the financial side of things (despite countless attempts) but perhaps with repeat conversations she may start to let us help with this. She couldn't afford a cleaner currently and the house is so cluttered, but it's a good suggestion to arrange one if we can get her PIP or similar benefits.

Do I have to persuade her to self-refer to social services or can I do that on her behalf?
Doing this remotely with little engagement from my mum is so tough

My star is meant to be a sad face

Your mum needs to be of sound mind to obtain LPA.
Does her local council have an older people's team you could contact?

I've just emailed her council asking for more advice. I think she'd also share her memory clinic details with me so I could make enquiries with them.

I think assessment of her capacity for LPA could be tricky. I think, if she agreed to it (we've been discussing this for years now), she could demonstrate understanding of why she's granting POA but I am not convinced of her insight/retention. I assume a solicitor would have to be involved and this should be someone geographically close to her. I guess another question for the council/memory clinic

Good luck @Usplusone
It's not an easy journey for all involved. I hope you get the help you both need.

She needs to have the capacity to understand what it is that she's signing. When I did mum's finacial PoA I did mine at the same time. I'm under 60 with no health issues so if it was sensible for me to do it then it was sensible for her to do it. You don't need to have a progressive condition, anyone could have a serious accident at any time. I went with the "you could have a stroke and be months recovering and then what would we do?" line. I've told my son I'm planning on a post Covid gap year and swanning off and leaving him to run my life while I'm away (that's easier for him to imagine than me with the stroke)

The alternative, if she leaves it too late and loses capacity, would be applying to the Court of Protection. It's nearly £400 with an additional £300 supervision fee in the first year as opposed to £85 for PoA. That might be a selling point. She may never need it but if she does, look at all that money she'd be saving by having had the foresight to do it in advance.

It's difficult to get social services involved if DM doesn't want them. She has the right to send them packing. Could you suggest a cleaner, just to help a bit so she could have more free time to do (whatever it is she likes doing)? It introduces the idea of having help around the house.

You do not need a solicitor to create a LPA and while you do need to have mental capacity to sign this it sounds like your relative does.

She has only been diagnosed with a mild cognitive impairment at the memory clinic. You invoke the POA when you think she no longer has capacity to make her own decisions and understand the consequences so, assuming you don't think it needs invoking immediately, then she still has mental capacity. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's three years ago and is on the drug for moderate Alzheimer's and still has capacity to decide financial and medical stuff herself.

So I would advise to use @Knotaknitter suggestions to say it's about making sure her wishes are followed if she were to have an accident or stroke, it's good prep for the future and gives everyone peace of mind and get it set up ASAP. The forms are here.

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

The consequences of her not giving POA to her child are that should the stroke etc happen the state effectively becomes her guardian and, if she wants her wishes carried out with less complications she should create a POA now.

There is nothing unethical about you getting her to sign POAs now (there are 2 types - both are needed really) so long as your intentions are to act in her best interests. You can do it yourself online as others said. You need a 'witness' to explain what she is signing to her which can be a friend but not a relative.
It is equally not unethical to stop a person with dementia from driving when you deem them to be unsafe whatever they may think.
They can't easily act in their own interests so you have to step in and make arrangements for them.There is usually quite a long window where they seem somewhat impaired but would be deemed to still have some capacity but it is dangerous to wait. If you intend to be actively involved going forward, the best way to facilitate this is to get POAs done immediately.

She might be eligible to not pay council tax. Ring her council and ask.

I would also look into attendance allowance which would mean she could get a PA to do admin/shopping etc and a cleaner.

Also look into groups for people with dementia in her area. It would benefit her to go to one a couple of times a week. She may be eligible for funding for this.

Age concern will also be able to tell you things available in her area.

As other posters have said contact adult social care for an assessment of needs.

I agree with RoseMartha, please look into the Direct Payment Scheme offered by local councils, I won't go into it now, but in short, the council offers to pay a family member or close friend to care a vulnerable person, so much per hour. It's quite involved, but a very good scheme. Good luck, thank goodness she has you as her daughter.

Thank you for your kind and helpful messages. Currently my mum is complaining to other relatives that I am "hounding" her despite initially appearing on board with starting the PIP and LPA process. I intend to speak to her and ask her outright if she still wants my help but she's currently not answering my calls or messages. It doesn't feel very sustainable how she is living right now, been at the bottom of her overdraft 3 times (that I know of) recently. And I only know about that because my aunt told me. Feel quite helpless really... so if she wants me to not help I guess I just have to accept that and keep offering from time to time. It's been so helpful to hear everyone's advice.

That's so hard @Usplusone. Is your DA still giving her money?