How often to visit

[lollipoprainbow]

My darling mum has advanced dementia and is very often asleep when I go and visit. Because we aren't allowed in the main lounge they have to wake her up bring her to her room where she promptly falls asleep again !! I'm at a loss on what to say or do so just sit on her bed next to her. I'm pretty sure she doesn't recognise me anymore. I'm the only one who goes to visit sadly my brother can't handle it and my niece no longer goes. I'm a single mum and have to juggle a lot. I would feel so guilty if I didn't go every week but it's hard. Anyone else in same boat ?

That's so difficult. If you think that it's feelings of guilt making you visit so regularly, could you try a few weeks of going every other week and seeing how you feel?

Have the staff got any suggestions on how to keep her awake during your visits?

@DominicRaabsTravelAgent 7
I was thinking of maybe going every other week or just staying for 15 mins but I worry the staff will think I'm a bad daughter ! It would be a lot easier if they left her in the main lounge like they did pre Covid so I could just sit with her there, she wouldn't have to be woken up and there would be other residents for me to see. Very difficult.

Please don't let your feelings of guilt make you go every week if you are both getting so little from the visits and they are difficult for you. Really don't worry about what the staff think

This sounds incredibly difficult especially as it sounds like it's all on you which doesn't seem fair. If she's usually asleep I really think you should think of yourself and try going less often. See how that goes for a bit. I expect she wouldn't want you to be struggling with this either. Hope you are ok

Also, just to add, I write postcards to my mum (now in a care home with advanced dementia too) as well as visit. So maybe you could do that the weeks you don't visit, send a card which the staff can read to her when she's awake. Then you are maintaining contact which she might get some pleasure from even if she doesn't really know it's from you. My mum usually responds positively when I say 'I love you.' Or to a nice photo of a garden, animal or a baby.

If you were my child I would be very cross with you for worrying about feeling guilty and suffering yourself by trying to visit me so often when I couldn't even stay awake.
I would much rather you looked after yourself and tried to enjoy your life.
I would want some visits and the postcard idea maybe with some pictures are a lovely idea.