How to talk to someone with Alzheimers

[Suspicioussam]

My mother in law has advanced dementia. She is physically fine and can walk for miles and can still talk clearly but she has no idea who anyone is. It's very distressing for us to see as we hadn't been able to see her for 2 years due to Covid and living abroad.
We are going to visit as often as we can now but I'm struggling to know how to talk to her. I know I shouldn't ask too many questions. I try commenting on the weather but it draws a blank. I can't tell if I need to speak louder or whether it's just not registering with her. She gets very agitated at times so I don't want to stress her out but I've also read that it's important to include dementia patients in conversation so they don't feel ignored.

She adores seeing the children and I think it is the best therapy ever for her, so I just let her chat away and comment on how wonderful she thinks they are which is lovely but there is no 2 way chat really. I have known and loved her for 15 years and I miss our chats dearly. I feel so much remorse for not asking her more about her early life now that she can't tell me but I want to hold onto what's left for as long as we can and bring her some happiness if possible.

I would take lots of photos with you as this is a good way to focus her attention . You have to take your lead from her, so I would ask her if she wants to see them. Don’t make a running commentary on who everyone is, just let her look at them.

With my mum she was happy for me to just hold her hand without speaking. She would occasionally comment on what she could see around her. It is a whole new learning experience conversing with a person with Dementia. Every person is different, but hopefully you will find something that works for her.

Lovely thoughtful post op. It will be different and a learning curve for anyone experiencing this.
With my dad who ‘thankfully’ died before dementia took over completely I found silly idle chitchat engaged him. Direct questions agitated him and so rather than ask ‘do you want some tea?’ or ‘did you ever get over your fear when flying off aircraft carriers’ We learned to say ‘I’m going to make some tea and I’ll bring one for you’ and then gauge any response. He seemed able to say yes or know to that more easily. Or showed him a photo of his carrier and say ‘I think this might be why you were on but I’m not sure’ and see where that took us. Ended up having surprisingly good chats in this kind of oblique way avoiding direct things.
But it’s different for each person living with dementia.
Bet is as you have been doing to remain Kerr to what helps and able to be very flexible and quick about changing approach.
Support op b

‘Alert’ not ‘Kerr’. Apols for all typos.

Thanks so much for both your responses, really helpful. I'll definitely show her some photos on our next visit and try to encourage her to speak herself without asking direct questions.
It is certainly a learning curve. Luckily she seems to take quite well to me even though she doesn't know who I am, which helps. I think it's because she can see I'm the kids mum and I'm maybe less intimidating as a stranger than a man is. Sadly she doesn't respond will to my DH (her son), thinks he's a total stranger and wonders what he's doing there. We are pretty sure that was worsened by Covid as she occasionally recognises her other son who was able to visit occasionally in that period. Such a cruel cruel disease.