Is this the start of dementia?

[Gottabesomethingbetterthanthis]

Dad is 79. Has lived by himself for 22 years since Mum passed away. He's been great, cooking every night, looking after himself, busying away in the garden and chores around the house. Reads a great deal, always does cryptic crosswords. Has no social life however, just a couple of friends he sees every other week for an hour, and no family visit him except myself and my husband but we're 5 hours away (rest of his family are same or further away).

So he's been doing fine up until say May. Noticed his memory lapsing slightly. Started to repeat himself - not the same day, but he would say something one day and then repeat it the next day.

We saw him just recently and noticed he'd lost weight; he's just about eating half a piece of toast for breakfast, and not finishing his evening meal, and no supper except for one night. Normally he would have a good appetite and snacks in between, with supper every night.

Secondly, repeating himself more often. We'd talk at length, for example, about something me and DH are doing, and the reasons why, and then the next day he'd ask, why are you doing that? When mentioned, he'd deny asking... nothing wrong with his memory! Just old age!

I'm concerned because this could be the start of something. He is very stubborn, very alpha male still, very highly opinionated, and he absolutely refuses to believe anything is wrong and will not go to the doctor therefore. He says he doesn't have an appetite because he's not active presently - normally he's outside gardening or doing household chores but since May we've noticed he's been sitting indoors more, less interested to do things outside (admittedly the weather where he lives has not been great); but even without being active people still have an appetite to eat. He then says because he smokes that decreases his appetite, well fine but he's been smoking for years so nope, that doesn't cut the cloth with me either. I think he's just making excuses.

I think because he lives by himself he's worried he may have something wrong and that there's no-one close by to look after him if he were ill. Also, he lost his elder brother in 2019, then his sister-in-law in 2020.. both in their 80s. He was in total denial about Covid, that he was far too isolated where he lives to catch it, didn't want to hear the news about it. In other words, if he didn't hear about it then it couldn't exist!

In closing.. I want to try to make Dad see he needs to be aware of the changes and to appreciate that he may not be able to live alone for much longer. We've asked him to come and live with us as that way, if he does need help, he's with me but of course he refuses as he doesn't want to stop being independent and he enjoys living where he does. He still drives, goes shopping, all the usual things etc. But I think the not eating much concerns me more than anything. Dad would often say of old people 'ah.. when they stop eating, that's it - they go into hospital and never come out'. So when he doesn't eat much and just says, oh it's because I'm not active, I'm like, but Dad, this isn't you! See what's happening! Listen to my concern - you need to eat, and get your nutrients'.. he's like 'yeh, yeh.'

It's hard - I'm an only child. My husband is a great support. I've just been in touch with his sister who's the only other person who rings him and have mentioned what's happening and just to listen out for any flags when she speaks with him.

Anyone able to suggest what to do in these circumstances?

with my mum we began to notice she was forgetting to eat and then was diagnosed with dementia. She lost a lot of weight before we cottoned on as she would tell us she was eating and what she had when she kept saying the same meal we realised and now have carers in that amongst other things cook for her and ensure she eats it

to add she would forget things and repeat things initially not straight away but enough to ring alarm bells now six months later she fixates on things and repeats them over and over

He needs to see a GP, asap.
Very often underlying infections are the cause of a decline. UTI etc. Always needs to be checked first.

Sounds like it.
You could call his GP and STRESS that you don’t want to discuss his medical history, you just want to make them aware of what you’ve noticed, that you’re concerned about, and that he’s refusing to see the GP.
You could also contact Social Services for an assessment, but it might be a bit early yet. A chat for advice would be ok though.
I believe Age UK might be a place to look for advice too.

Sounds like dementia. It’s a hard one though. It’s natures way of sending people on their way and as a ‘modern’ society we tend to fight against that to keep them with us.

I want to try to make Dad see he needs to be aware of the changes and to appreciate that he may not be able to live alone for much longer

Well yes of course you do, from your point of view, because you care about him. But do you think you might be jumping the gun here as he hasn't been diagnosed with anything. There could be several reasons for his loss of appetite/weight, not all of them dementia related.
If you can't persuade him to see his gp maybe you could write to the gp outlining your concerns.
Suggesting that he needs to abandon his life where he is would be quite a shock to him, I would imagine. Maybe investigate what sort of support could be available in his home area first.

Supporting/worrying about elderly parents from a distance is a big worry, I know.

It could be depression making him lose his appetite. Or a UTI making him forgetful/confused.

Does he ever have any regular check ups at the GP? If so I would let his GP know your concerns so he is aware of them next time he sees your dad.

@Medievalist

It could be depression making him lose his appetite. Or a UTI making him forgetful/confused.

Does he ever have any regular check ups at the GP? If so I would let his GP know your concerns so he is aware of them next time he sees your dad.

Dad is a 'a couple of paracetamol and it'll be ok' type of person. Believes that once you start going to docs you don't stop. So no, he doesn't go to the GP regularly. I think, because he's by himself, he's frightened that the docs might say there's something wrong and who will look after him, go with him for tests etc. I wish I were in a better position to support him in person but I'm so restricted by location, work and finances - my husband and I are not in a great place financially at our time of life so it's a case of trying to balance everything with limitations but supporting him as much as we can. Obviously if Dad needed care for a week or two then I would take holiday and stay with him.

I think, however, I can see if I can speak with his doc as he does take BP medication though I don't think he needs to go to the docs for check-ups about that, but I might be able to mention my concerns to her and see what she says.

@campion

I want to try to make Dad see he needs to be aware of the changes and to appreciate that he may not be able to live alone for much longer

Well yes of course you do, from your point of view, because you care about him. But do you think you might be jumping the gun here as he hasn't been diagnosed with anything. There could be several reasons for his loss of appetite/weight, not all of them dementia related.
If you can't persuade him to see his gp maybe you could write to the gp outlining your concerns.
Suggesting that he needs to abandon his life where he is would be quite a shock to him, I would imagine. Maybe investigate what sort of support could be available in his home area first.

Supporting/worrying about elderly parents from a distance is a big worry, I know.

Yes, I absolutely could be jumping the gun but that's because I care about him. But also because there's been a change in him in just a few months.

Dad is a very stubborn person, quite bombastic and his way is the only right way. He's always been like this. As far as he's concerned there is absolutely nothing wrong and I've been told quite categorically to stop worrying!

If he's lost a couple of close fairly recently he may be depressed, especially as he sounds fairly isolated. Could you write to his GP and ask him if they could ask him to come in for a wellness check like an MOT (if they do that sort of thing?) Isolation and loneliness might exacerbate the start of dementia but also his weight loss could be due to other medical reasons.

think, however, I can see if I can speak with his doc as he does take BP medication though I don't think he needs to go to the docs for check-ups about that, but I might be able to mention my concerns to her and see what she says.

Yes I think you should. His gp won't discuss your dad's health with you of course, but there is nothing to stop you making her aware of your concerns. If he takes BP medication then he should be getting periodic check ups (dh is, and does). Hopefully she might decide it's time for an appointment to review his medication 🤞

Hey how’s your dad doing? My dad is going through the same.