Advice about MIL

[Glenthebattleostrich]

MIL was diagnosed with vascular dementia in May 2018. She was declining fairly slowly and managing well until lockdown. In the last 6 months especially she is getting noticeably worse.

We visited her at the weekend. We told her on Thurs we were coming up, rang on Saturday morning and she had no idea we were visiting when we got there. She seemed to recover a bit and we had a nice afternoon. Ten minutes after we left she called us on DH mobile and asked what we had done that afternoon (me, dh and dd, she couldn't remember us visiting).

Now every day she has phoned me asking what time we are arriving, convinced we are visiting that day and getting upset that we aren't. Its like she is stuck in a groundhog day loop.

Any advice on how to support her? She is getting increasingly confused but DH and his sister both have their head stuck very firmly in the sand.

I find my mum becomes obsessed with things but can then move onto the next thing. So if mum was stuck in a loop of asking when I was visiting I would send her some lovely flowers and a card saying how nice it was to see her. My mum loves getting flowers. She would then ring to say thank you for them continuously, but it would take her out of the previous loop.

How regularly does someone go to see her? If every couple of days then I would get a big clear calendar but this depends on someone always crossing off days promptly and marking it very clearly for her.

Any advice on how to support her? She is getting increasingly confused but DH and his sister both have their head stuck very firmly in the sand.

Unfortunately this was my experience as well. I talked to DH constantly about what we could do to help and how it would end in a crisis if we didn't. Still didn't do anything and it did end in a crisis, one that I was pretty much expected to sort out by myself.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't be as worried about DH's feelings this time.

I'd apply for Attendance Allowance if he doesn't already receive it, I'd all ask for a Care Needs Assessment. She may be needing carers to go in each day to check on things like if she's eating and if she's taking medication.

Wellington's idea is lovely though if you just want to get her out of this current loop.

They might be able to arrange some form of daycare where she could have lunch and enjoy some company.

You try to frame it to DH that you're willing to fill in the forms and be there for the Care Needs Assessment. If he refuses, ask him what his plans are for caring for his DM.