Memory Clinic

Yep, we had the same with her phoning 999 when she felt like it, saying she was ill when she wasn’t.
SS were next to useless.

I've told my kids if I get like that to put me in a home and forget me. I don't want to be remembered like that. Gradually all the happy memories I had of her are being replaced. It is so horrible and the lack of support is a disgrace.

Oh yes, I remember the blaming from my aunt. The cousins who did nothing were wonderful, I did everything I could and she openly told the social worker in front of me that she wanted to hurt and upset me. She sat and smirked and I had a cry

I hear you @ancientgran, with my aunty the blame seemed to be apportioned according to how much you did for her. The more you did, the more it was all your fault. It was awful really, she would never have behaved so hurtfully when she was well. She'd never have allowed anyone else to upset me the way she did. I guess you just have to remember that, it's not the real her.

It's sad to hear how little support some of you are receiving. It must vary greatly from region to region. We had lots of help with my aunty, though we did have to push for some of it. Social services did what they could with their limited resources, the memory clinic referred us to various places (falls clinic etc), at home physio, weekly "tea & games" sessions, various home adaptations. And there was a 24 hour on call service to help get her back up after falls, they were amazing (she fell regularly), think we paid £2 a week for that, worth every penny.

I say the same to my DCs, except to come and visit occasionally. I have both parents in their 60’s at different stages of different dementias, every now and then I get so depressed and wonder why, I then remind myself I am going through that secret endless bereavement which I cannot speak of. Both of these people are strangers to me, they are not the parents I grew up with.

Speaking of power of attorney, I'm currently in the process of setting this up for myself and DH, so that our DC don't have that to worry about. It was a right pain getting my mum to agree to poa, but we have both for her now (health and welfare, financial)
Don't delay, anything can happen to anyone at anytime.
Kate Garraway said things were so much more difficult when her husband Derek was in hospital with covid as she had no access/power of attorney in place. And she's what I'd consider well off and reasonably financially independent!

I'd never have POA for anyone again. It has nearly broken me.

Just bear in mind POA isn't some wonderful gift you are giving them. You are giving social services, the NHS, the Police, old uncle Tom Cobley and all the right to put it all on them. The pressure I had was so bad that I was an emergency admission to a cardiac unit. I did a high pressure job and I've never experienced anything like it.

I will give financial POA to one of mine but health and care no, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Not having POA for my Dad as not absolved me from responsibility, just made sure my hands are tied behind my back. As next of kin I was still called upon to firefight but I had no powers to pay the bills, then ward off debt collectors when the bills were inevitably left, then chase up delayed benefit payments that were stopped because a form wasn’t filled in by a man who can no longer hold a pen let alone write, the stop LA demanding payment. It took years, my dad was left with £200 to his name. Even Dwp would not give basic deputyship without visiting me and Dad in his care home, after years of expensive phone conversations he took one look at my dad and signed responsibility over to me. But this is a drop in the ocean. I aged 5 years in 1. My dad is still classed as having capacity although he can’t speak and his decisions endanger his safety and those around him. My DM is now developing dementia and knowing the administrator nightmare that lies ahead as she too, refuses to give me or anyone else POA I just want to run away.

As I said the financial is worth it, the health and care I'd never do. Social services just washed their hands of her, it was my problem and when I said I'd renounce POA for health and care they effectively blackmailed me by saying they would change her carers if I did. When she needed to go into a home I was just told to find one, when I asked for help to physically get her there and keep her there until the deprivation of liberties was done they just said it was my problem not theirs. Bearing in mind I was 200 miles away and she physically wouldn't co-operate it was impossible and this was a woman in her 80s who was running into the main road outside her house, endangering other people as well as herself.

Sorry you've had such a rough time with the health and welfare poa ancientgran
I think because my mum's poa is conferred jointly and severally to me and my siblings, it's not such a burden on one person.
We didn't have poa in place for my dad and we were honoured to be involved in his end of life decisions.
His doctor was really up front with us and dad was able to discuss with us.
Mum's case is different of course, but we've found it very useful having poa (both lots) especially during the pandemic.
We've got several children, so it won't be left to one solely to sort stuff out.

TDogsinHats I am glad the NHS involved you without needing a POA.

If POA works as it should then great but I get fed up with constantly hearing it is the answer to everything when my personal experience was that it was good for the sick person it was hell on earth for me and a wonderful get out for her local social services. It also depends on the local set up, she lived in an area that hasn't got a great reputation for caring for the vulnerable. We need a national standard, it really shouldn't be a postcode lottery.

My mum had her assessment.

They are now referring her for a CT scan.

Could take a while but she's going downhill dramatically.

So sorry to hear that @gingerface40

There are some practical things that you can do now to help in the future, although you may have done them already.

Ask your DM if you can have POA for both health and financial, if she says yes, apply for it straightaway. Things will be so much easier if you have these.

Apply for Attendance Allowance for her. Useful if she needs any additional help like ready meals, cleaner, gardener or carers.

Ask for a Care Needs Assessment. I'd be there when they come and have an honest think about how much you're willing to take on. The SW will probably be very keen for you to take on things like cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, medication. Just bear in mind that anything you do take on is 365 days a year, potentially for years.

Fill in the Herbert Protocol and keep a copy on your phone. It's my experience that they are ok for ages and then suddenly start to wonder. It's a bit of a shock when they do but having this very accessible will help her to be found if she ever does wonder.

Fill in the This is me form and again keep it on your phone. It's useful if she's ever admitted to hospital as you can then email it to the ward who will probably be only too happy to have it from you as it will give them a better idea of how to look after your DM.

Have a look at the Elderly Parents Section as well. There are some very experienced MNers in there