Memory Clinic

[gingerface40]

Hello
Wondering if anyone can help me, my mam is 73 and has just been referred to the memory clinic, does anyone know what happens here ? I work In Mental health but it this area I have no background in.
She has really bad short term memory to the point she will be unable to go anywhere alone.
Has anyone had any experience? And what type of treatments there are? I
Vaguely remember my Grandad being on Aricept

TIA

[gingerface40]

Thank you so much! I will do ❤️

[BunnyRuddington]

My mum had her assessment.

They are now referring her for a CT scan.

Could take a while but she's going downhill dramatically.

So sorry to hear that @gingerface40

There are some practical things that you can do now to help in the future, although you may have done them already.

Ask your DM if you can have POA for both health and financial, if she says yes, apply for it straightaway. Things will be so much easier if you have these.

Apply for Attendance Allowance for her. Useful if she needs any additional help like ready meals, cleaner, gardener or carers.

Ask for a Care Needs Assessment. I'd be there when they come and have an honest think about how much you're willing to take on. The SW will probably be very keen for you to take on things like cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, medication. Just bear in mind that anything you do take on is 365 days a year, potentially for years.

Fill in the Herbert Protocol and keep a copy on your phone. It's my experience that they are ok for ages and then suddenly start to wonder. It's a bit of a shock when they do but having this very accessible will help her to be found if she ever does wonder.

Fill in the This is me form and again keep it on your phone. It's useful if she's ever admitted to hospital as you can then email it to the ward who will probably be only too happy to have it from you as it will give them a better idea of how to look after your DM.

Have a look at the Elderly Parents Section as well. There are some very experienced MNers in there

[gingerface40]

My mum had her assessment.

They are now referring her for a CT scan.

Could take a while but she's going downhill dramatically

[ancientgran]

TDogsinHats I am glad the NHS involved you without needing a POA.

If POA works as it should then great but I get fed up with constantly hearing it is the answer to everything when my personal experience was that it was good for the sick person it was hell on earth for me and a wonderful get out for her local social services. It also depends on the local set up, she lived in an area that hasn't got a great reputation for caring for the vulnerable. We need a national standard, it really shouldn't be a postcode lottery.

[TDogsInHats]

Sorry you've had such a rough time with the health and welfare poa ancientgran
I think because my mum's poa is conferred jointly and severally to me and my siblings, it's not such a burden on one person.
We didn't have poa in place for my dad and we were honoured to be involved in his end of life decisions.
His doctor was really up front with us and dad was able to discuss with us.
Mum's case is different of course, but we've found it very useful having poa (both lots) especially during the pandemic.
We've got several children, so it won't be left to one solely to sort stuff out.

[ancientgran]

As I said the financial is worth it, the health and care I'd never do. Social services just washed their hands of her, it was my problem and when I said I'd renounce POA for health and care they effectively blackmailed me by saying they would change her carers if I did. When she needed to go into a home I was just told to find one, when I asked for help to physically get her there and keep her there until the deprivation of liberties was done they just said it was my problem not theirs. Bearing in mind I was 200 miles away and she physically wouldn't co-operate it was impossible and this was a woman in her 80s who was running into the main road outside her house, endangering other people as well as herself.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

Not having POA for my Dad as not absolved me from responsibility, just made sure my hands are tied behind my back. As next of kin I was still called upon to firefight but I had no powers to pay the bills, then ward off debt collectors when the bills were inevitably left, then chase up delayed benefit payments that were stopped because a form wasn’t filled in by a man who can no longer hold a pen let alone write, the stop LA demanding payment. It took years, my dad was left with £200 to his name. Even Dwp would not give basic deputyship without visiting me and Dad in his care home, after years of expensive phone conversations he took one look at my dad and signed responsibility over to me. But this is a drop in the ocean. I aged 5 years in 1. My dad is still classed as having capacity although he can’t speak and his decisions endanger his safety and those around him. My DM is now developing dementia and knowing the administrator nightmare that lies ahead as she too, refuses to give me or anyone else POA I just want to run away.

[ancientgran]

@gingerface40

I think this is getting to me too, with a mixture of relationship problems, someone asked me in the street if I was ok today and I burst into tears 😂 bet he wishes he never asked now

Look after yourself, people don't realise what it is like. If I had £1 for every person who said, "Just put her in a home." Like you can just force someone into a home when you know they are a danger to themselves but they can put on a performance for a short time so people are always wondering if you are telling the truth.

A Consultant Psychiatrist phoned me, well his minion did on his behalf, to say I should never have let her travel to the clinic alone on two buses and he (hero) had arranged hospital transport to get her home. I advised him to check with hospital transport and he'd find out that I had arranged for them to take her to the hospital and back home again and she hadn't been on a bus in years. If she could convince him what chance did others have of working out what was truth and what wasn't. Obviously the little green men who lived in the loft were easy enough to figure out, as was the pregnancy at 85, or that she was running off with the young man down the road, he was about 30.

[ancientgran]

Just bear in mind POA isn't some wonderful gift you are giving them. You are giving social services, the NHS, the Police, old uncle Tom Cobley and all the right to put it all on them. The pressure I had was so bad that I was an emergency admission to a cardiac unit. I did a high pressure job and I've never experienced anything like it.

I will give financial POA to one of mine but health and care no, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[Honeyroar]

@TDogsInHats

Speaking of power of attorney, I'm currently in the process of setting this up for myself and DH, so that our DC don't have that to worry about. It was a right pain getting my mum to agree to poa, but we have both for her now (health and welfare, financial)
Don't delay, anything can happen to anyone at anytime.
Kate Garraway said things were so much more difficult when her husband Derek was in hospital with covid as she had no access/power of attorney in place. And she's what I'd consider well off and reasonably financially independent!

Yes you’re right. We should all give POA to our nearest and dearest, it’s not just something for old age.

My MIL died recently (she had dementia) and the POA meant that my SIL could accompany her to hospital, whereas otherwise she wouldn’t have been allowed (Covid).

[Honeyroar]

@gingerface40

I think this is getting to me too, with a mixture of relationship problems, someone asked me in the street if I was ok today and I burst into tears 😂 bet he wishes he never asked now

Sending you a hug. It’s really hard on carers. Harder than it is on the sufferer really.

[Honeyroar]

@TDogsInHats

My dear old mum has mixed dementia ( Alzheimer's and vascular)
She was diagnosed several years ago.
I took her to the memory clinic, after a referral by her GP. It was a separate area of our local hospital.
Mum had already had blood tests, urine test and a head scan was arranged after the first memory clinic appt.
During the second appt (after the scan) I was asked all sorts of things about mum, unfortunately in front of her. She took my frankness really badly. I mean, who wouldn't? You don't normally talk about all the things going wrong with someone.
Mum became very nasty to me and suspicious of my motives.
Personality change is a marker in some dementias.
Luckily after a couple of years of being on the receiving end of mum's cruel digs, she reverted to being really sweet and loving again.
It is such a horrible disease, mum has always been a brilliant mum apart from that one or two year lapse.

We had exactly the same experience with my mother in law. She went from sweet to vile then back to sweet. In the end she was just a shell and neither.

[gingerface40]

I think this is getting to me too, with a mixture of relationship problems, someone asked me in the street if I was ok today and I burst into tears 😂 bet he wishes he never asked now

[ancientgran]

I'd never have POA for anyone again. It has nearly broken me.

[TDogsInHats]

Speaking of power of attorney, I'm currently in the process of setting this up for myself and DH, so that our DC don't have that to worry about. It was a right pain getting my mum to agree to poa, but we have both for her now (health and welfare, financial)
Don't delay, anything can happen to anyone at anytime.
Kate Garraway said things were so much more difficult when her husband Derek was in hospital with covid as she had no access/power of attorney in place. And she's what I'd consider well off and reasonably financially independent!

[SengaMac]

@Honeyroar

We’ve just got referred too. My mum has already had a scan for something else. Thanks for the info.

I want to try to get Power of attorney set up before we get an official diagnosis.

Having a diagnosis doesn't prevent a PoA from being set up, as long as a doctor or lawyer can be satisfied that your mum understands what she is doing and who will be looking after her interests.
The sooner it's done the better, of course.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

I say the same to my DCs, except to come and visit occasionally. I have both parents in their 60’s at different stages of different dementias, every now and then I get so depressed and wonder why, I then remind myself I am going through that secret endless bereavement which I cannot speak of. Both of these people are strangers to me, they are not the parents I grew up with.

[Corrag]

Oh yes, I remember the blaming from my aunt. The cousins who did nothing were wonderful, I did everything I could and she openly told the social worker in front of me that she wanted to hurt and upset me. She sat and smirked and I had a cry

I hear you @ancientgran, with my aunty the blame seemed to be apportioned according to how much you did for her. The more you did, the more it was all your fault. It was awful really, she would never have behaved so hurtfully when she was well. She'd never have allowed anyone else to upset me the way she did. I guess you just have to remember that, it's not the real her.

It's sad to hear how little support some of you are receiving. It must vary greatly from region to region. We had lots of help with my aunty, though we did have to push for some of it. Social services did what they could with their limited resources, the memory clinic referred us to various places (falls clinic etc), at home physio, weekly "tea & games" sessions, various home adaptations. And there was a 24 hour on call service to help get her back up after falls, they were amazing (she fell regularly), think we paid £2 a week for that, worth every penny.

[ancientgran]

I've told my kids if I get like that to put me in a home and forget me. I don't want to be remembered like that. Gradually all the happy memories I had of her are being replaced. It is so horrible and the lack of support is a disgrace.

[DinosaurDiana]

Yep, we had the same with her phoning 999 when she felt like it, saying she was ill when she wasn’t.
SS were next to useless.

[ancientgran]

I forgot, the paramedics were great. They would attend when incidents happened, maybe neighbours or carers called them. They were always kind and kept me informed of what was happening.

[ancientgran]

DinosaurDiana I'm nearly 200 miles from aunt and social services and GP were hopeless. I was being admitted to hospital one day when GP surgery rang demanding I sort out this that and the other. I explained I couldn't do anything as in hospital for 4 days. When I got home 4 days later they phoned within 30 minutes to tell me I needed to sort it out.

She had to pay for carers due to money in the bank, I told social worker I was renouncing POA and they could deal with it. They blackmailed me and said if I gave up they would change the company providing the carers to one that was 20p an hour cheaper. I said it didn't matter as they weren't paying but they said that was policy so I kept going as the idea of her getting used to new carers was too hard.

The police kept phoning me demanding that I stop her calling them, they must have known from the number I wasn't local.

I can honestly say there was no official body that gave me any help at all. In the end we paid for a private social worker who sorted out a suitable home and he got her there, God bless him because I don't know what we'd have done if it had gone on much longer. The local authority social worker told me if I couldn't get her physically into a home the only alternative was they'd send "the men in white coats" can you imagine them terrifying and manhandling a woman with advanced dementia. The private social worker did it with charm and kindness.

[DinosaurDiana]

My DH is being blamed for her dying now. She says it’s all his fault, nothing to do with his siblings of course ! And he’s the one that did all the caring.
You just have to keep telling yourself that they don’t know what they’re saying, but it’s hard.

[ancientgran]

@Corrag

Sadly, as Mum had forgotten her diagnosis by that evening, I don't think there is any doubt

My aunty was the same, was never aware of the diagnosis for more than an hour or two. We skirted around the issue as much as possible but when we had no choice but to mention the diagnosis she was devastated every time. Strangely though she never forgot the memory clinic, she hated them, blamed them for everything. When she wasn't blaming me that is.

Oh yes, I remember the blaming from my aunt. The cousins who did nothing were wonderful, I did everything I could and she openly told the social worker in front of me that she wanted to hurt and upset me. She sat and smirked and I had a cry.

It is so hard, we are far on now. At nearly 70 I panic everytime I forget something, it has made me paranoid.

[DinosaurDiana]

And from our point of view the more you do for your relative, the less Social Services will help.
We knew that she should be in a home but she refused, and SS wouldn’t force it. We had to remove our care and let her fail, to get her safely in a home.