Dementia (?) and GP-phobic parents

[RaspberryCoulis]

Having a bit of a battle with my GP-phobic parents. They have always seen it as a bit of a badge of honour not seeing the GP, they have to be REALLY ill before bothering the doctor, very much of the "put up and shut up" mentality. Both mid 70s.

Over the last couple of years we have seen Dad getting increasingly more forgetful and confused. Asking when he's going home from the house they've lived in for 20 years, questions about people who have been dead since the 90s, same questions over and over and over. They did see the GP after extensive hectoring from me and my sibling and Dad was sent for a MRI (or possibly a CT, mum wasn't sure). Anyway, the scan revealed nothing. GP said dad's confusion was "just one of those things" and "wear and tear". hmm

Then the pandemic hit. The week before lockdown, mum called to say that they were trying to organise a multi-agency meeting to discuss his case. Social services, GP, consultant from hospital, whoever else. Never happened, they just prescribed some medication over the phone. He's never seen anyone more expert than the GP, can't do Zoom or any video calling. They have a contact number for the geriatric mental health team, who are overstretched and covering a massive geographic area. They offer little to no support, a nurse came to the house once but as dad is not setting fire to the kitchen or assaulting my mum, there's not much they can do.

He is most definitely deteriorating and I know he's not going to get better and it's only going to get worse from here. But mum will just not push for a formal assessment with a consultant. She has pretty much decided it is what it is, and isn't interested in seeking help/support/diagnosis.

Although they are quite a way from me, I have offered to drive there and accompany her to appointments as a advocate - I have no issue in being assertive with the medical profession even though they do. My sibling lives even further away.

My feeling is that a label/diagnosis may open doors for support groups or NHS services. Mum sees no need for a label and doesn't appreciate that although she might not need support now, give it another couple of years and she might. And if she's already on the radar it'll be easier.

I'm sorry to hear this, OP. I am not in this situation, but have been supporting a friend who has gone through the same with her parents, both of whom were in denial/obstructive about getting help for her increasingly confused mother. Her frustration was acute as her DM would refuse all help and assessments and not let social workers etc into the house when they arrived, and her DF wouldn't force the issue at all.

You being willing to accompany your DM as an advocate will be very helpful if you can get them to agree to the appointments. My friend (who is in a different country, so the detail isn't helpful for you) had to make contact direct with the adult care social workers who would be assessing the care needs, and get them to help push the matter. I'm not sure if this is possible for you, to get directly involved in this way, in the UK?

In the end, my friend's DF was diagnosed with Parkinsons and so my friend was able to convince her DF that it was important to get care in place for her DM before there was an accident, a fall, or other crisis - that having to move her DM because her DF had had an accident would be much more upsetting and traumatic for her than managing it calmly. Perhaps this might be the best angle to take with your DM.