To tell or not to tell...

[shallIswim]

Dad has vascular dementia. He still recognises family and friends but has become pretty non verbal and closed in on himself.
We've heard that his estranged brother has died. He hasn't seen him for decades and he lived overseas. Do we tell Dad? He gets upset and agitated. But is that a good enough reason not to tell? Help!

We are in exactly the same situation and we haven’t told him. My Dad would be very upset and would constantly revisit it, emotionally. It’s hard though.

Is he likely to remember the news if you do tell him?

Long experience of nursing people with dementia. I would tell him but be in prepared for him to forget or not understand or understand initially but then completely forget. You owe it to him to be honest but it's probably not in his best interests to continue reminding him if he asks about his brother unless he knows he's being fobbed off. My experience in these situations is that there is no right answer - don't be dogmatic about whatever route you choose and be responsive. If you feel he doesn't even want to sit down to talk about it, just stop and don't tell him. If you do decide to tell him, pick a sensible time too - mornings are better than evenings, for instance, in general.

I wouldn't. We've been through this with 2 of my grandparents, and dps grandad. He probably won't remember after you have told him anyway.

@justchecking1

Is he likely to remember the news if you do tell him?

It's hard to tell if he would remember or not. Probably not

If he wouldn't remember and if he isn't likely to ask about this brother then I wouldn't say anything.

I wouldn't. My Mum had dementia, telling her such a thing would have been upsetting in the short term, and would then be lost and forgotten. Mum's sister in Canada died when Mum was demented - telling her wouldn't have served any good purpose for Mum so we just didn't tell.

Yes, I've been here too - ultimately I decided it was the right thing to do to tell mum (with Alzheimer's) that her sister died, even though I knew she'd forget. I told her, we dealt with the immediate upset at the time, but when she next asked about her I just said that she was doing fine.

No point forcing them to face it over and over, once is enough. When mum asked why her parents hadn't visited (both dead for over 50 years) I said they were on their way but had popped to the shops first.

It was uncomfortable at first, lying doesn't come naturally, but when the dementia really sets in you find it's the kindest approach for them. I mostly "played" her youngest sister - also long dead, she died young - as mum generally believed I was her, so I didn't try to tell her she was wrong. You just play along. Sometimes I got the script wrong and she'd give me an incredulous glare! Interestingly, she always remembered my DH and called him by name right up until the end.

It is hard, sending best wishes to you.

Thought I'd feed back: mum told him. She said there was little or no reaction. I hope it'll be left to lie now and not be picked over.

Thank you all for your food for thought. So many nuances and differing situations.

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