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Dementia and Alzheimer's

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Original poster

Long house move

15 replies

wandawombat · 13/03/2021 10:51

My Pil are planning to move. Mil has lots of symptoms of dementia but has refused any treatment whatsoever. The GP has referred her in the past.

Fil thinks the house move will be fine. I'm worried but live the other end of the country just now. They are moving closer to us.

Any advice?

OP posts:

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/03/2021 11:00

They're presumably moving so it will be easier for you to help? Set boundaries early on. There are things that only family can do - eg help with decisions -and this can be time consuming. Don't get in the habit of doing anything that can be outsourced - eg help find a rlieable taix service rather than offer lifts to appointments.

Be prepared that while the move may be good for her long term (more family support for example), MIL may decline cognitively with the change of surroundings.

Original poster

wandawombat · 13/03/2021 13:48

Yes, it's the initial phase I'm worried about. Fil is being all gung ho but he seems to be deep in denial about everything to do with the cognitive issues.

Good advice about boundaries. I'm already being roped into wife work by email. My DH is very aware that may not end well and is being supportive. The refusal to access any form of medical care might also become difficult.

She was awkward & he enabled this before any issues became apparent.

OP posts:

BunnyRuddington · 14/03/2021 10:07

How close are they going to be to you?

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/03/2021 09:30

How aware is MIL of what is going on?

Of course even if she understands the house move and is in favour of it, she may not grasp that it's irreversible, so they may be in for a bumpy ride when she decides when wants to go back to the old house.

In the long run, assuming that DH does want to care for them (or wants you to), it's probably easier to have them a bit nearer. You can outsource a lot, but there will be times when you just want a face to face meeting to talk through some decision, or you're aware that she's fallen in the night and you've rung the ambulance but really you want to be there.

Original poster

wandawombat · 15/03/2021 16:23

DH is very good but neither of us would want to do long-term care.

It's more the short-term I'm worried about as they are really independent but struggling & finding a balance is going to be difficult.

They're going to be very close, which is much better. It's been impossible with covid to see them, between the respective rules in different countries. Very hard to assess what's going on.

OP posts:

BunnyRuddington · 17/03/2021 21:31

Do they have any help now? If not, it might be worth talking to DFIL about the move being a good time to start things like Wiltshire Farm Foods, getting a cleaner and a gardener.

Original poster

wandawombat · 11/04/2021 13:39

The move went well, albeit my Mil insisted no-one had told her they were moving but she's settled well.

FIL is now sorting out lots of practical things around the place. No mention of actually talking directly to the GP about Mil. We were hoping that they would do on-boarding & assess/refer her to the local memory clinic.

OP posts:

BunnyRuddington · 11/04/2021 21:42

Not really surprised that your DMIL didn't know she was moving, this sounds very much how my DMIL would have handled it.

How is your DFIL?

Original poster

wandawombat · 11/04/2021 22:06

He's ok. A lot frailer than when we last saw them, which was ages ago. He's very practical, so is getting on with stuff.

I'm just a wee bit frustrated. We know they've moved to have help but the first time I mentioned it, he interrupted & said nope....So we're in a bit of limbo.

OP posts:

bilbodog · 11/04/2021 22:32

Have you got power of attorneys in place for both of them?

hatgirl · 11/04/2021 22:48

@wandawombat

He's ok. A lot frailer than when we last saw them, which was ages ago. He's very practical, so is getting on with stuff.

I'm just a wee bit frustrated. We know they've moved to have help but the first time I mentioned it, he interrupted & said nope....So we're in a bit of limbo.

Be prepared for her to potentially deteriorate quite quickly.

House moves for people with dementia rarely have a positive outcome in the medium-long term. People who have just about kept a lid on things purely because of routine and familiarity suddenly find themselves adrift.

But at least they are close by for when you do need to be there to support.

I also suspect FIL may have been struggling more than he is willing to let on at the moment, you might be in for a rocky few months as things start to become apparent.

Original poster

wandawombat · 12/04/2021 14:59

FiL had been a lot more forthcoming over the last few, dark winter months than he'd been previously. He's struggling.

I only wish I'd known how badly the moves would affect her. I think the move away from here a couple of years ago caused a downward shift, followed by a drift worse. He'd tried to get her referred but she refused the appointments. She didn't want to move back but then agreed and now they're here and I'm a bit stumped as to what to do...or not...

I have other close family with complex needs to deal with in the short/medium-term and I'm worried I'm going to get pulled in all sorts of directions, mainly due to the MN concept varied a bit in "your failure to plan is now my emergency.

DH is excellent, so no problems there, it's just where the boundaries with this stuff lie...mainly I'm struggling not to call the GP and give them enough time to do this themselves. I've got ADHD so my approach is often quite direct and I also don't know what I think until I externalise my thoughts. So I appreciate the comments above.

OP posts:

Original poster

wandawombat · 12/04/2021 15:00

We think she's had memory problems for about 6/7 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

wandawombat · 12/04/2021 16:14

And yes, lpa in place for both of them with joint attorneys, DH, Fil & Bil.

OP posts:

BunnyRuddington · 13/04/2021 10:18

I also suspect FIL may have been struggling more than he is willing to let on at the moment, you might be in for a rocky few months as things start to become apparent. This was exactly our experience I'm afraid. It turned out that DFIL desperately wanted to keep her at home but was hiding a lot of what was going on as he was scared of her going into a CH.

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