Mum better off in home?

[whaa]

Mum lives a long way away, and has dementia. She can still talk but is apathetic.should I bring her here, and then later on into a home here. Or put her in a home there.
She always said she wanted to move to the home there where one of her friends are, but covid means 2 weeks isolation in her room and then no visitors ( not that I could get there anyway). We use FaceTime but she is forgetting how.

Here, is me and kids, so there is family. (tho not sure what the affect will be on young teens who have had a tough few years) and it’s v cold. So am concerned she’ll be susceptible to bronchitis which she got last time she visited. But she’ll be with us.
She’s never particularly wanted to come here - but I am concerned that she’ll be isolated in the home.
Brother has been looking after her but cannot any more. He’s in a strop and thinks I’m not pulling my weight and she should come here.
Friend, and her friend who has been through this says better she is in a home with activities and carers.
Could she come for a bit and then go to home she wants to go to? Though I’m told it’s better not to move her around too much.
Also just the sheer complication of getting her atm is filling me with anxiety.
I know no one can have a an answer but would appreciate a chat

Could you afford the fees for a home near where you live in due course? Does she own or rent at the moment?

Yes, funding is the issue here (assuming you’re in the UK). How will she be paying for the care home - savings, sale of her house, or expecting the local authority to pay? If she moves temporarily to your area, it may make it difficult for her to get LA funding when she moves back to her home area - I’m not sure of the rules, but it would be worth checking before you make any decisions.

I agree it would be better not to move her too much, as it can make dementia patients deteriorate.

If she has dementia and it’s advancing I would probably just do one move - into a home - as lots of moves will accelerate cognitive decline. Would she be anti moving to a home near where she lives? Does she qualify for free care, or do you have a plan to pay for it? Have you visited/talked to the home her friend is in to see they have a place/you are happy with the care? If you haven’t explored these questions then I think these are you next steps.

I can imagine your brother is feeling out upon, but if you were to get some carers into help (while waiting for a place in a home as above) would that help him? Could the family afford it/could you get social services support? (I would also put this on your next steps lists - there’s a carers organisation/Alzheimer’s charities that could help advise.)

I think that you should say right now to your brother that your mum cannot come to you - it would speed her decline, it’s not fair on your teens, and the weather doesn’t help. And then I would talk to him about a move into a home as above (do some research first so you can be in control of the conversation.)

I agree with your friend that if your mum’s dementia is advancing a move into a good home is best. When I was a teen we had an elderly relative with Alzheimer’s move in with us - she was far happier when she eventually went into a home (mainly because it was a safe environment where she could walk around constantly, and the care was good.)

Also having had the experience of being a teen whose family had had a rough few years - having a relative with Alzheimer’s move in was the straw that broke the back of my family - it put my mother under awful pressure, and the fallout from that made our home a really unpleasant place to be (it wasn’t just that but it didn’t help).

I hope this helps.

Have you checked with the home that it does mean two weeks isolation in her room? When I enquired recently the home I spoke to were relying on the lateral flow test and isolation was half an hour. Personally I have massive reservations about this but the point I'm making is that what I assumed was wrong.

Thanks all of you. It’s a lot to think about.I am very grateful for your advice. I think you’re right, I’ll need to do some research especially regarding the home near her- 2 weeks total isolation seems insane. It could just be brother laying on the guilt. Which he is doing with the most amazing 4 line email.
I’m also nervous re the affect on the teens, and dh so thanks for pointing that out too. Will do some more research and get back to you . Much appreciated indeed.

You're at the hardest stage now. That bit where you don't want to, you feel guilty, you feel there are things you should do as a daughter that you can't, etc etc.
It will become 24 hour care needed sooner or later. Dementia suffererers don't do 9-5 and then watch telly till bedtime and toddle off quietly. There are days when they will, and then days when they're up at 3am packing to go on holiday, or banging on the neighbour's door because they live there, or going to Asda in their nighty. Your brother may already be experiencing that.
You probably need a long, calm talk together about long term plans. My mother went into a carehome and was there for five years. She was looked after, clean and stimulated.
I think you probably just need to contact as many as possible to see what your options are in both places. Wrt her wanting to go where her friends are, it sounds unbearably cruel to say, but she might not eventually recognise them anyway.
Good luck
PS there's a wonderful ongoing chat thread in Caring for Elderly Parents. Lots of people going through or having gone through, the same as you.

Gosh thanks step. Really appreciated - I’ll look at that thread now. I’m guessing you’ve been thru the same. So flowers back to you.
Running out of battery, will catch up later 🙏

I think the 2 weeks isolation will be the same wherever she goes, unfortunately due to Covid. We had the same with my dad, but he had 1-2-1 care so was ok. He was in a section of the home where others were isolating, so did make a friend!

I think the first step is to check if she is eligible for Continuing Health Care funding, and if not, work out how the care will be paid for.

I would be inclined to go with your mum's wishes. She wants to be with her friend and the staff will help with facetiming you and your family. Dementia is awful I'm afraid and if my dad had expressed any preference I would be delighted - as it is we are making decisions on his behalf with no clue what he wants.

She’s expressed a preference, move her now whilst you can. Moving her to you will soon mean 24/7 care on your part and then she’ll be seen as somewhere getting care so harder to move into a home. If she has chosen a home she’s happy with follow her wishes. Unless you want her near for visiting etc.

The 2 week thing is a good thing! Surely you don’t want the home to have covid rip through it if you’re mum was a resident and they had a new person come in?

Thanks very much, appreciated! So anxious!

Talk to Age UK (or the equivalent). For something so stressful, it's not a straightforward process and the funding is a massive headache. Does your mother have Power of Attorney in place for finances and health? If not, I recommend getting that done as a matter of urgency. If you don't get her signature whilst she can still give consent, you can easily end up waiting months and spending thousands of pounds in a court appeal to secure it.

You need to think about how it will be funded. If she owns her home she will need to fund her own care but may not have ready access to the cash. In which case ask social services for an assessment and a deferred payment agreement and they will fund while the house is sold.

If she has savings as well then the deferred payment can start when she nears the £23250 threshold.

If she's not self funded you still need a social services assessment and if eligible they can place her in a home but it won't necessarily be the one she wants as they will always go for best value. If you then still want the chosen home and it costs more it has to be topped up by a third party NOT from mum's funds.

Do you have POA for finance and / or health abs well-being?

Oh whaa, could have almost written the same post, just change brother to SIL as the one in strop. Currently in the dilemma of 'is it the right time?', but mum getting to stage not safe at home and would prefer not to wait until crisis. I had great chat with someone who has been through this who gave advice on drawing up pros and cons for all families involved in decision and go for one that satisfies the majority - so you, your family, your brother and your mum. What swung it for me was two things, if she lived with me it would negatively impact both me and my family as realistically i would have to give up work, and then second a care home near me as thinking of travelling long distance for 60 min heart breaking visits when she no longer remember who i was. If she closer to me, i'll see same decline, but I can visit more frequently whilst she does still recognise me and I can see how she settles in. Hoping safe care home visits happening soon to choose best one for mum. Cutrently navigating funding etc so know your pain x

Thanks soooo much everyone and gatfatquick. I’ve been trying to put my head in the sand. Will have family meeting, good idea.
Will catch up later ( procrastinating work now!)