Should you correct someone with Alzheimer’s?

[Turnedouttoes]

My grandma has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
Her only family member other than me is my dad who is a nasty man and so I have minimal contact with him. He is totally uncaring about her and I have to admit I did think he may be lying about her condition getting worse because putting her in a home would suit him and he’s been suggesting it for years. At present she lives in a warden controlled block of flats with carers twice a day.

Because of my dad twisting things to suit his prerogative it’s often difficult to tell how bad my grandmas Alzheimer’s actually is. For example, he tells me she’s been calling people in the middle of the night and wandering around the flats. But I am in regular contact with her and she’s never called me at an unsociable time and always seems quite lucid when we speak.

However, today she’s called me to say she’s been in hospital for the last 10 days. I know this to be untrue because she called me on Tuesday from her landline. What I suspect has happened is that she’s had chest pains in the night, an ambulance took her to hospital for tests and then has brought her back home. I don’t think she spent even one night in hospital.

So my question is, should I put her right and tell her she can’t possibly have been in hospital for 10 days as we spoke a few days ago and she was fine or is it best to just go along with what she tells me?

I have no experience of Alzheimer’s and between her and my arsehole dad it’s difficult to get the true picture so I’ll be reading these boards with interest.

I did a course many moons ago and I remember them saying that where you don’t need to correct, don’t. But I don’t know what the current wisdom is, probably worth a Google.
My gran had dementia and I as it got worse I used to wonder who I was to her that day, but just went with the flow of conversation.

How very difficult. I'm not sure.
My Aunt could not remember a minute ahead in her last few years and would often ask after her sister, my Nanna. Nanna dead and my mum would gently explain this, every time. My Aunt would be upset. I suggested to my Mum she didn't keep telling her Nanna dead as just upset her in moment that she would forget moment later. Whether I was right, I'm not sure. It just seemed kinder.

Yes I’m not actually very sure what stage she’s at. She’s always had a habit of repeating stories which I thought was down to being older and not having many people to talk to but perhaps it was the early signs.

To speak to her she seems totally lucid (apart from stories I know aren’t true) and she remembers everyone’s names and what family members have been up to so the majority of the time she seems very much still with it. Although she is aware there’s something wrong as she’s told me a few times she’s been getting confused

I personally wouldn't correct her no. If you had told her that she'd not been in hospital for 10 days, what would it achieve?

As the Dementia progresses she may start to come put with more bizarre stories. DMIL often tells me that she's going to see her own Mum tomorrow on the bus, her Mother has been dead for 45 years. I usually just say "Oh How lovely!" With a big smile and then distract her with something else, even if it's just looking at the clouds and she soon forgets.

Hi so sorry your gran is going through this. If her dementia is relatively early it may help to explore statements such as she's been in hospital for 10 days. It may be a puzzle to her - she may have a degree of uncertainty. People with early Alzheimer's say it's really frightening when your memory fails. But if after a gentle checking question she's still sure it was 10 days don't push it.

Ask yourself what could possibly be gained by correcting her.
You end up spending lots of time and energy and she ends up more confused
There is absolutely no point
By all means a few questions to see what she really thinks, but don’t push her

I would contact Age Concern and tell them and see what they suggest. I'm sure her carers would have picked up on this. You can correct or ask a couple of questions in a gentle way. But don't quiz or go on especially if she gets confused.

@Turnedouttoes don't ask us, ask the experts.

I found this really hard with my MIL. I also didn't know what to say when she said random things either. For instance at a family get together, she asked why her son (my late DH) wasn't there. Taken totally by surprise, I went with honesty, and gently told her that he'd died. But I wish I hadn't, and though no-one said anything, I suspect that the rest of the relatives felt I was wrong,

Anyway, here's the number for the Alzheimers Society's support line.

0333 150 3456
www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/alzheimers-disease

Thank you everyone, it’s really interesting to hear others experiences.
I actually found a voicemail on my phone from Saturday morning before I spoke to her where she said she’d spent 3 days in hospital after having a fall, then on the phone it was 10 days for chest pains and then yesterday she had no recollection at all of our conversation the day before and called to let me know she’d just arrived home after spending 4 days in hospital for a fall. So I agree, correcting her would only make her more confused so best to just ask if she’s feeling better now.

Thank you for the links to the resources, I’ll check them out

Ex dementia HCA here. Best not to correct them unless it's a dangerous illusion. For example I once caught a lady on her way to the pub to confront her cheating husband, and needed to gently dissuade her from doing so.
Something like the stories you describe, don't correct but don't acknowledge as such. Listen and move around the subject unless she is needing reassurance or upset.
I've been someone's long lost sister, a police woman - all sorts. Unfortunately even with a reminder, their lucid spells are infrequent and it often causes distress. Wishing you all the best x

I think it would be reasonable for you to call the carers, or ask your father to give them permission to speak to you, so that you can find out the truth about his claims. I'm sorry to say that I think they're likely to be right. Wandering and having no concept of time, are classic features of dementia, and yes, it might well be that a care home is in her near future.

My MIL was barely managing at home alone, but the catalyst was when the police found her wandering a mile from home at five in the morning. They took her to hospital, and from there she went straight into care.
In hindsight, we left it too long. Having carers in twice a day and my lovely SIL giving up her job and driving up every Sunday to live with her for half the week, wasn't enough.

My DH had difficulty accepting how seriously his father's AD had deteriorated because whenever he met his DF, he was relatively OK. DFiL progressed very rapidly from obvious sundowning to being admitted to a locked ward - sometimes it's very difficult to get a full picture of how somebody is.

I didnt bother my nan lived in a world where her husband was at work her daughters visited her all the time and I was occasionally her cousin helping her out because she had fallen she had a better social life than me in her own mind the reality of a deceased husband and daughters who were busy working all hours even her dog had passed her friends were long gone why would I want to make her sad 😥

When my mum was first diagnosed I spoke to the Alzheimer's Society helpline. Similarly to @imalmostthere, the woman there said to correct only if what she thought was dangerous or was frightening her. So, if mum said my DH was her husband we just said 'well he's a very handsome man mum' and left it at that (DH preening himself ha ha!)

But if mum said 'there was a man at my window this morning' when she lived on the top floor and no window cleaner had come round we'd probably gently reassure her that no-one can get up there and 'perhaps it was the reflection of you or one of the carers or the TV?'

Most of the time she actually forgot what she'd mentioned very quickly.

Agree with not correcting if you don’t need to.
Even if something is not real, it is absolutely real to that person at that moment.

Imagine how disconcerting it would be if someone tried to tell you that something you “know” is real is a figment of your imagination.

When my gran was ill she had a bit of a fixation about David Jason popping by to bring her biscuits.
My aunt used to say to her, don't be ridiculous mum etc etc and she would get quite upset. My dad on the other hand would say he'd just bumped into David in the corridor and David had given him a packet of ginger snaps to pass on to her.
It always kept her happy and my dad made sure my aunt stopped the whole correction thing. There was absolutely nothing to be gained by it.

I'm pretty sure I read on a thread here once about contented dementia and there is a book of the same name. Not sure why it stayed with me but it made a lot of sense.

Some would say you're essentially lying but when, for example, they've forgotten that a loved one is dead and is asking for them, saying they've popped to the allotment (or whatever they used to do regularly) provides reassurance rather than making the person with dementia distressed all over again.

It’s hard isn’t it!

My husbands mother calls us all the time wondering where we are - she thinks we had been staying with her and left without saying goodbye! She can be quite angry with us - we do explain that we weren’t there at all! And she backtracks and tries to say it was a different brother and his wife etc

She often says that her husband is in the pub and he be back soon - (he died years ago) we tend to just agree with her on that instead of reminding her all the time that her husband is dead there’s no point and she forgets again shortly !

Sometimes she thinks her sons are her brothers and my husband just goes with it sometimes as it’s just easier and doesn’t want to confuse her or fluster her further

She also told us last week she’d been in bed for a week with the flu - she has home help in daily and they update us - she wasn't even unwell at all! Again didn’t see the point in correcting her about it - just said glad she is feeling better now

Really unsure what’s the right thing to do though

It is difficult.

The Pil both had dementia, and it would really upset dh that they didn’t know him or the dcs and he would try in vain to have normal conversations. He couldn’t accept that they were so changed - and completely random.

When I visited alone I would just go along with fil’s strange notions or stories, and if he thought I was someone else, well, I just let him think I was cousin Vera or his old cleaning lady. But then as a dil I was a bit removed; if it had been my own df I’m sure I would have felt as dh did.

My dad is losing his ability to do things he used to find easy, and he finds all sorts of stories to explain why what he used to do no longer works. There's no point in correcting him, he will just invent an even more fantastical story if the alternative is to admit his brain is no longer functioning as it should.

So don't agree with her and say "yes you've been in hospital 10 days" but don't contradict her, or even try to use logic to show she's wrong - it will be distressing for her. Instead say something anodyne like "are you pleased to be home?"

I was going to post recommending the same book as @marriednotdead. I don’t want to sound evangelical but that book totally transformed my relationship with my mum who became incredibly difficult during the last 18 months of her life. Literally within 2 days there were none of the explosive, violent outbursts which happened daily (or more) beforehand.
I strongly, strongly recommend reading that book to anyone who has a relative at any stage of dementia/Alzheimer’s because the sooner you can start using the approach recommended (ideally before any seriously negative behaviour has begun) the better for all involved.

In answer to your actual question, @Turnedouttoes no, I would not correct her unless she is afraid or a delusion could put her in danger.

Correct or negate frightening delusions and hallucinations that are upsetting them. Go along with, skirt or distract from ones that aren't upsetting them.

Never ever ever. The golden rule is never correct them just go along with it, even if it is gobbledygook

The problem we have is that my mum has dementia and thinks she can care for my very frail dad. She can't and her errors are now putting dad in danger. Dad doesn't want to upset her and it's getting very difficult.

I used to work with people with dementia and found correcting people to generally be upsetting for them (unless in danger) More helpful was acknowledging what they are thinking about. Eg. If a person tells you they are looking for a relative who is long deceased, ask them about that person, what they are like etc. In the case of op and the untrue claim of being in hospital for 10 days - sympathise and ask about their health and how they are feeling now. Aim not to agree with what they are saying but to help them feel listened too. Whatever the person says is clearly on their mind so they will hopefully feel reassured and listened to without everyone getting in a muddle!