hold my hand please

[TheoneandObi]

I know I need to zip up my (wo)man suit about this, but the zip seems stuck...
Dad has fast moving dementia and we are at the point where he needs to go into a nursing home. Mum can't look after him any more, even with lots of help. She's a very fit 80 but just can't do the nighttimes. Dad is constantly distressed as well as incontinent and immobile. I live close enough to go round every day, but its not enough. Pre covid it would have been an easier decision, but now, with restricted visits its going to be horrible.
Today I need to start booking appointments and getting on lists.
I'm so desperately sad for Dad (and Mum). They've been difficult characters throughout their lives, wrought by childhood experiences I think, and our relationships have sometimes been rocky. I've sometimes had to grit to my teeth and be nice in the face of nonsense, but all that is melting away now and I'm just so sad.

This sounds so hard. I’m not sure there is any good solution, just one that keeps everyone comfortable. Try to take care of yourself while you work through all of this, the people who care need looking after too.

It is very hard. If it's any comfort, my father has always been the knowledgeable one in the family, the one everyone goes to for advice, very independent and needing his autonomy. Very distressed at not being physically able to do the things he used to be able to do. But now he's in a nursing home, they say he hasn't got dementia, but he has certainly lost a lot of marbles. But on a day to day basis he seems quite happy and cheerful.

My father spent the last couple of years of his life in a care home as he was bed bound with dementia and aphasia. It was so hard to see, but he needed so much care (including turning day and night to stop bed sores) which my mother just couldn’t do.

He was safe and well cared for by some wonderful people. I am sure you will experience the same for your father. You will find the strength to cope.

My grandmother was in a care home for the last 4-5 years of her life. It was shit, but necessary. My mum tried her best to keep her at home, got carers in a few times a day etc. but dementia being what it is, there comes a time when home is just impossible.

The staff at the care home were lovely. The place looked a bit shabby but the care was excellent. On the flip side, my other grandmother spent a brief period in a care home that looked plush but the staff were crap. Good luck with the search and trust your gut.

I found a nursing home with a mental health nurse in charge was much better for my mum than an ordinary care home

My mum spent the last year of her life in a care home because of dementia and frailty. Honestly it was the best thing for her. She felt safe and secure. She never left her room and was mostly bed bound but her quality of life actually improved. It's hard without visits but we managed regular telephone calls. Speak to the managers of several care homes. Follow your instinct. Lookout for someone who talks about safety measures and care plans. Listen for warmth and humour in their voice. Ask how they maintain people's well-being who are bed bound. There may be a limited choice of homes with beds available but go with your instinct. I wish you well.

I forgot to say that you can read the latest CQC reports for each carehome which will give you an insight into what they do well and what they do badly. Most homes do at least some things badly to be honest. Decide what your priorities are. My priority was carers who actually care.

Hi OP

My dad had dementia too. We were at the point where he needed to go into a care home for his own safety, although he was physically quite fit, he couldn't remember how to do basic things like washing and eating, and he was extremely vulnerable as he lived alone. Sadly he died before we were able to get the care he needed. It was a terrible strain on me and my sister, she had a stroke. Being a carer can be so stressful especially when it is your loved one. I think there comes a point where it is better to have formal care. It is kinder to you all in the longer term. You and your mum have don your best.

It's so difficult. My dad has dementia and carers who come 3 times a day. Theres no way we could put him in a home, it would feed his paranoia and probably kill him. Its not ideal but in his case hes probably best at home

Lots of care homes at the moment are setting up fully heated outside areas like some pubs have - this will enable visits - so might be worth researching this a bit too
Good luck