When your parents live a long way away.

[pickletray]

Hi all.

I'm new to all this. Please excuse the long waffly post. Just looking for some support and kind words really.

My mum has been starting to struggle with her memory for the last few years. She has had a few memory clinic appointments, I don't actually know if she has had an official diagnosis of dementia, but in the last year it has got much worse. I live a few hours away and my brother lives much further. Initially her main problem was losing words, having trouble articulating things, forgetting appointments, etc. Now she is struggling to get though a sentence without forgetting the words for things, or going off topic, losing things in the house, she's stopped driving (or so she says- I hope so) because she keeps getting lost.

To cut a long story short since the lockdown, things have got MUCH worse. I have only seen her once since the lockdown and she seemed quite well and seemed quite togehter, but I've realised in the weeks since that things are a lot worse than I realised. She's now not eating properly and has lost a lot of weight. I think I've been in denial about where things are headed and now I am having to think about all this.

My dad isn't much help. He is clearly on the autistic spectrum, and she's always found him a bit unsupportive and not very empathic with any problems. Communication wise, he will use 100 words when 10 will do, will nit-pick and etc and it's hard enough for me to understand him never mind my mum. My mum asked him to drive her to neighbouring town to look something she couldn't find and he couldn't see anything strange about her behaviour. He does realise there is a problem however.

I worry about what state their house is in, because it's always been untidy and my dad has hoarding tendancies. I worry about my dad's ability to look after himself and my mum, he will go to bed late and sleep late. He will spend all day obsessing about one of his hobbies and not really be aware of other people. He just doesn't pick up on the cues that something is wrong.

I live close enough to drive there and back to visit in a day. I don't work full time so could feasably go once every week, as long as my kids are in school, if school closes again and there are new covid visiting restrictions, I don't know what I will do. Or if it a covid 2nd wave makes it too unsafe to visit. But I just don't feel like this is going to be enough further down the line.

I know a lot of people here must be in similar situations, living a lot further away. Probably some of you live in different countries. Any tips? I just feel really really guilty for not phoning more often or visiting more.

I just know I've got a tough time ahead of me. I know in time they aren't going to be able to manage without outside help or in that big house I just don't know where to start with it all. I didn't think I would be dealing with all this for a few more years. They are only in their early 70s.

Thanks

Hello.
First of all, have a
This topic is kind of a sub topic of the general Elderly Parents topic, where there is an ongoing chat- you'll get lots of support and practical advice from them.

I live abroad, and my mum had Alzheimer's. She died in June and was 76, having had it noticeably for about 6 years.
Could you speak to their GP? This was how we got things rolling- my Mum was still driving, running groups all sorts, but there was something wrong. We spoke to the GP on the quiet and he invited her in "for one of those tests they give everybody at my age". From then on she was in the system as it were, so memory clinics , regular meetings with HCPs etc. That would probably be helpful for your dad too.

You need to accept that you can't do everyday practical stuff. But you can help enormously by advocating for them, researching for them, helping them come to decisions. Outsource all the day to day stuff - get carers when you can, see if you can ease in a cleaner, gardener, or window cleaner - they're all eyes and ears on the ground. Look into technology, eg Alexa to remind about appointments.

Make sure someone has power of Attorney for them, for Finance and for Health and Welfare. It's the key to getting people talking to you - it's bad enough when you live near making sure they're in the same room when you phone to sort anything out, it's impossible if you don't live near. It would be sensible for you, your brother and your Dad to be attorneys for your Mum, acting jointly and severally if you trust each other. And for you and your brother to be attorneys for your Dad.

PoA Finance was helpful to me because I looked after Dad's savings while he looked after his everyday account; and it enabled me to sort out problems with gas bills etc. PoA Health and Welfare means medics are happy to talk to me, so I get a clear view of what his health status is. I also have access to his on-line medical records, so I can see what appointments he has booked, what medicines issued, what the results of tests are.