Taking my Mum to a care home

[Legallybleachblonde]

I've posted recently regarding my Mum who is a 'young' 72 but has medium stage Alzheimer's. As well as having the classic symptoms of poor memory and confusion, she suffers with delusions and hallucinations. She thinks my Dad, whom she has been with since 1967, is an imposter and at times can be wary of him as she thinks he is a man from an agency looking after her. It's all very sad. Mum has had her care assessment and will be going into respite care in the next day or so, for an initial period of 4 weeks. Myself and my Auntie are taking her to the care home and I am not sure how we are physically going to get her through the door. Our family support nurse has told me to say we're taking her out for coffee but just take her to the home and the care staff will deal take over - sounds a bit harsh to me! She warned me it could be quite distressing. I can't see how I'm going to hide the fact she's going somewhere with a packed suitcase so I just wondered how others have dealt with the initial dropping off at the home. I'm prepared emotionally and know it's not going to be easy but it would be good to hear from others who have gone through this and any advice on what to say to my Mum would be gratefully received. Sorry.. this ended up being quite a long post!

I have no experience of this as my FIL was happy to go into a care home. Would she accept it if you told her she is going on holiday to have a rest?

There's an excellent book, Contented Dementia, by Oliver James. I am certain it gave specific advice about entering a relative to a care home, but I cannot remember the details and I have passed my copy on.

Do please see if you can get hold of a copy - perhaps the ebook? It went through it stage by stage.

We told my Nan she was going on holiday to a lovely hotel. All she was worried about was how much it was going to cost her!

With dementia it's best to placate them rather than telling them the truth. She did ask when she was going home a lot - but she didn't remember her home with us, just her childhood home that she used to live in. Even if we had taken her home, it wouldn't have been the place she wanted.

It is hard, but the relief of knowing that they are being looked after properly is the thing you need to concentrate on. The staff will have dementia training and be able to make your mum at ease.

Thanks for the replies. I quite like the idea of telling Mum she's going to a nice hotel. I have ordered the book as well and it is coming tomorrow.

Hi OP, did not want to read and run.

I have no direct advice as my DF was happy to go into a home - he preferred it to living with us as he was having lots of mini strokes but he wanted his independence and also to live where he always lived (we all live far away).

I think the hotel stay is a wonderful idea. Good luck and mind yourself.

Truth often only hurts and distressed dementia patients. They are not living in reality anyway. The best thing is to try to make their new reality a pleasant one. My first thought was a holiday in a hotel, too. If you think about it, a decent home is not unlike one of those all inclusive hotels for older people. Lots of singles. All meals and activities.

I hope that it went OK OP, a little holiday sounds like a great idea.

Hi Toyko - thank you for asking. My Mum has been in the home for two weeks now. It wasn't easy getting her there. She thought my Aunty and I had come to take her out shopping for the day :-( it took us an hour and a half to convince her to leave home and come with us to the 'hotel'. One of the horrible things about this disease is feeling like you are lying all the time but as @loutypips said up thread, you have to placate/validate their feelings rather than telling the truth. As she walked in to the home (it was a doorstep drop due to Covid) I very nearly cracked but managed to hold it together. I miss her little face so much and I feel awful for just leaving her there like that but it really is the best place. She is sleeping well although just recently refusing meals so I think the psychiatrist is going in to see her next week as she feels there may be some deep-routed depression there. Mum's case is so complicated and it really is beyond me. Her personality and behaviour switched literally overnight on 16 June - she woke that morning not knowing who the man in bed next to her was and the following weeks were very distressing. Strictly speaking, she is still in respite care and we are waiting for social services to confirm that she can stay long term and the funding they are willing to offer. I'm quite worried about my Dad who has lost over a stone and has been crying a lot. I'm keeping my eye on him! Anyway, sorry, a bit of a ramble there but thanks again for being so kind to check :-)

Legally, it’s so hard isn’t it? As for refusing food, are they offering her different types of food? Anything she particularly likes? Although saying that, my Nan forgot what foods she didn’t like and would eat stuff that she used to turn her nose up at. She did refuse anything but bananas and biscuits, goodness knows how she managed to live on those for nearly four years!
I know it does seem odd lying to a loved one, but it’s for their own good. For instance if she thinks she’s going shopping, say yeah we are going tomorrow or we are waiting for the bus. If they then question where the bus is, you can say oh it’s not due yet, or yeah we’ve been waiting ages I bet two come at once.
You have to fit in with their view of the world, not the other way round.
I know what you mean about change in behaviour. It can be heartbreaking to see. My Nan disappeared, she was a different person in my nans body. Personally I found it too difficult to see her. Especially as she turned quite violent. I didn’t want to remember her hurting people as that wasn’t her.

Yes, my sister called yesterday and gave them a more extensive list of things Mum likes to eat as not sure my Dad covered everything - not his fault but his mind has been scrambled the last month or so. But like your Nan, she loves biscuits and would quite happily live on them!!

I called the home a few days ago and they said I could speak to Mum - caught me on the hop as I didn't know if that would be a good idea or not so said I would check with Dad. He said, yes of course and that it would be good to gauge how she is. So, I called the following day and the nurse said she was doing really well, had had her nails done and was chatting with other residents in the lounge so I thought 'great!' no doubt she will be happy to speak to me. Oh dear how wrong I was. She got into a right state saying everyone in there were 'morons' (a word she would never have used), that she can't do anything, it's awful and that she looks at our photos all day and loves us all and that is all she knows. She started crying and said she wanted to go home - again, no idea where home actually is - and I felt absolutely awful for making her feel like this. The nurse took the phone eventually and said she had been having a really good day and that it was the illness talking and not a true reflection on how Mum has been. I actually believed this because my Mum would never have acted that way or use the language she was using. I just feel guilty now for upsetting her - don't think I will call again. My Dad is going in to see her next week.

So sorry to hear about your Nan, @loutypips that must have been awful for you. You hit the nail on the head - different person but in the same body.

@Legallybleachblonde how's things going?

When we took my MIL to a care home it was initially for respite, we told her that we were all going on holiday and we needed her to be cared for while we were away. When we went to collect her she refused to come home, she has been happily cared for at a specialist dementia home ever since.