MIL with Vascular dementia

[rebeccaroskellthomas]

I'm not really sure what I want from this post and I'm sure I could ring social services and find out the answers but wondered if anyone has been through similar?

My MIL got diagnosed in November 2018 after suspicions for probably a year before that. She struggles getting her words out and is very muddled but still tries. She is depressed so is now on anti depressants as well as her other medication. I think her symptoms are made worse by how anxious she is and this is where my FIL comes in.

He is the most inpatient man and although he knows she has dementia he acts like she's doing things on purpose to annoy him. A scam caller called the house phone when he was out last and and MIL picked it up and thought it was the Dr. She can't rememeber what was said and FIL was worried she'd given over personal details. He's had a go at her and my wife has been round today to see them and MIL has been in tears (FIL was out).

I think it's time to talk to social services about getting some carers in to give them both some respite from each other but I'm not sure if this will be provided as he is capable of caring for her physically but mentally I don't think he is. MIL can still wash herself, clean, cook and they also both look after our daughter 1 day every 2 weeks which I'm also now worrying about.

Has anyone been in a similar position or has any advice?

Thanks in advance
Rebecca x

Unless your FiL is involved in her personal care, it is unlikely that she will be assigned a carer. Not all LAs are the same so it is worth giving the, a call. They will not visit without speaking to your MiL first. If she refuses help they will not do the assessment.

I know this is very hard as my mum went through the same. The Dementia worker told us that we should not correct her when she made a mistake as it would distress her. Her husband insisted and said, “I am not going to let her get it”. I thought he was bullying her and was very relieved when she went into a Home where she was very happy.

I think you need to make alternative arrangements for your child. An impatient man and a lady with dementia are not the best care givers.

Well you need to stop the childcare straight away, as the pp said a grandparent with vascular dementia and an angry inpatient grandfather is NOT any sort of environment to leave a child in.

I'd say you need to make alternative arrangements for your childcare.

Is she known to Older People's Mental Health? Does she have a Dementia Specialist Nurse?

It can be very hard to persuade a stubborn spouse that reminding the dementia sufferer of their mistakes is not suddenly going to make them 'get it right' looking at you MIL

I'd be looking about for dementia day centres so your MIL and FIL can have a break from one another at least once a week.

Also try and make the home as safe as possible so she isn't vulnerable to things like scammers - are they registered with the Telephone Preference Service? It cuts down a lot but unfortunately once the scammers know you have answered once, word gets around.

There are a number of different call blockers on the market designed for vulnerable adults like dementia sufferers you might find useful. My FIL turned into an absolute magnet for scammers before he went into a nursing home - if she uses email you should watch that too.

www.alzproducts.co.uk/alzheimers-dementia-phones

Social services are duty bound to give advice and to assess, even if your PIL are above the savings threshold for funded care. But also at the time of diagnosis she should have been given information about who would be managing her care and organisations for support. But anyway get in touch with the Alzheimer’s association (they support all types of dementia).

It is really hard for a spouse to see/accept the changes in their loved one - we’re going through this with my PIL. MIL sees PIL as being lazy for just sitting in his chair; I see him as being slightly confused; struggling to keep up with what’s going on around him; and lacking confidence in his mobility. It’s really really tough.