DoL decision- what do I say to DM?

[Toofaroutallmylife]

DM has been in a care home for over 6 months. She seems to be thriving, but has always insisted she wants to go home.

We went through the full DoL appeal process, and just before Christmas the court issued the order that she can be kept in the care home. I think this is the right decision, but do feel very sad about it.

Her advocate has explained the court decision to mum, but she didn’t take it in.

We’re going to see her this weekend (she lives a long way from us so it’s difficult to get to see her). I know she will ask me to take her home.

Do I try to tell her the truth, or do I say we’re still waiting for the result of the court hearing? Or something else? I could previously honestly answer that I didn’t know

If she isn't able to retain the information about why she is there then tell her whatever is least distressing for her.

If she has any physical health problems - and if she’s going to forget whatever you say anyway - why not say she can go home when the doctor thinks she’s a bit better.

When my mother with dementia was endlessly demanding to go home, I said over and over that I was looking for a nice little flat for her, just down the road from me, and as soon as I found a really nice one, we’d go and have a look together. Since she’d been an inveterate ‘mover’ and had often talked of moving to a little flat, this worked well for her - she never remembered that I’d said much the same before.

Just say whatever sounds best/most plausible in her circs. And whatever you do, please don’t worry that it’s not the truth. In dementia-carers’ circles they’re known as ‘love lies’ - usually so much kinder than the stark truth.

Thanks both. I know you’re right but it goes against the grain. I’m getting better at not contradicting her, but I’m less good at outright lies!

Have a look at the book Contented Dementia. It covers the whole guilt around 'lying' in a nice way.

I think it would be in her best interests to just pacify her. Use distraction techniques such as telling her you will be collecting her tomorrow as you need to warm the house up first. I know it’s not being honest but your mum lacks capacity and it’s the best option to keep her as calm as possible. Sometimes people ask to go home without evening knowing what or where home is. They often ask for home when they are looking for routines and familiarity. Has your mum got photos etc with her or items of personal interest. Use them to distract, build up conversation and deflect from the going home requests x

I think you have to tell her what she wants to hear. She can't go home so she'd rather think she was going to go home soon, from the sound of it. It's not lying in the normal sense; you are keeping her happy and stable.

Love lies .. that’s what they are called. You say whatever it takes to calm and reassure her. Ie the doctor says you need to stay a bit longer as you’ve been so poorly or yes but your are still looking for the right flat etc etc.