Mum in denial

[Cranb0rne]

We've been concerned about my mum's memory problems for a while. Her cognition is becoming noticeably worse, but she is in complete denial that she has any issues. She is forgetful but has been rambling a bit when you try and talk to her; sometimes she doesn't make much sense. She often can't remember dates, names of objects, words etc. She functions day to day by using calendars and notebooks. She ended up in hospital in October as she had gone to the gp with a suspected UTI and the gp was concerned because she seemed very confused. They did a CT scan and no brain tumour or stroke were found. She was referred to a memory group but refuses to go as she believes nothing is wrong. Shes terrified of going to a gp again in case she ends up in hospital, she hated being subjected to the memory tests and the doctor remarked on what a fiercely private person she is.

My question really is would it be safe to leave her to carry on as normal for as long as possible? She lives alone with her 2 cats, she's managing day to day and sees friends. I see her at least once a week if not more. Her biggest fear is being carted off somewhere (as she puts it). We're scared that she has dementia and how fast it's going to progress.

Your poor mother must be terrified. It is possible for confusion and memory loss to be due to other things - vitamin deficiencies, drug side effects, infections inc UTIs, etc.

People do stay at home, possibly with carers, with scary levels of dementia. Start researching technology now - eg devices that can give voice messages such as "don't forget to lock the door" if the front door is opened, a door entry phone so she, and possibly you, can see who's at the door.

The things you need to get sorted are:

Food - make sure she's eating reasonably well
Tablets - if she stops being able to take regular medication this can have a huge effect on health
Money - reduce her exposure to scams and con men. Get PoA if you can.

Washing is another to be sorted, but is probably the last area where she'll accept help.

Frequent falls is what will put paid to her staying in the community, so keep the house free of trip hazards and fix whatever bars are needed.

But mostly you can't plan ahead. It's about being ready to act according to circumstances.

Thank you for your reply. They did tests at hospital and could find no physical reason for her symptoms. She is looking after herself, the house is a bit messy sometimes but she's never been keen on cleaning and it's not unhygienic. It's reassuring to know that she can stay at home with a carer. She was offered the option of someone coming round but was adamant it was not needed.

I'll look at technology that might help in the future. I wish she'd go to the memory group as I've heard they can really help stave off the progression.

Now is definitely the time to get her to do thE 2 POAs, if she has not already. On the health one she can specify her wishes about hospital admission.

it is so difficult I know. I hope you manage to put some ideas into place to help your mum.

Excellent advice from Mere. Echo the point about Power of Attorney but you might struggle to convince her - pitch it as 'what if you fell under a bus and were brain damaged' rather than 'what if you had dementia'.

Everything is geared towards her 'staying at home' (rather than in a care home) nowadays. However, as time goes on she may need residential care either for a bit of respite/recovery or long term. Do some discreet research into local homes - which cater for short stays/respite/reablement; how much £ does she have (so will she be funded or self funding) - so if an emergency comes up you do have a backup plan.

I wish she'd go to the memory group as I've heard they can really help stave off the progression. You could try alternatives. What's been suggested to me as of use are 1) physical activity 2) social interaction (hence also do things like make sure her hearing is up to scratch) 3) mental stimulation - not so much sitting doing sudokus, but trying new experiences and living life to the full.

She already sorted out the PoAs thankfully.

Good idea re physical activity. Will organise some weekend walks with her to keep her active.

You will have to face the fact that this will get worse, she will become a danger to herself and you may have to move her forcibly into a safer environment. This was the case with my mother, she absolutely denied that she couldn't manage for herself even though as an 85 year old living alone in a huge and dilapidated house it was obvious that the situation was unsustainable. In my mums case we were forced to act after she left the cooker on, set off the smoke alarm but did not understand what the noise was or the need to switch off the oven. So we moved her into a small flat near me, and later into a granny annexe attached to my sisters house. She hated moving but her memory was rapidly deteriorating, she eventually lost it completely but lived on in the granny annexe with daily carers for another seven years. It wasn't pleasant but looking back on it we definitely did the right thing in moving her when we did.