I’m getting upset at random times about my Dad - anyone else feel like this?

[Poppysball]

We’ve had a really difficult year with my Dad. He’s had Alzheimer’s for about 8 years but it’s been so gradual I was kind of ok with it. He still he knew who we all were, smiled, chatted as much as he could and enjoyed many family occasions together including last Christmas.

In January he suddenly changed and became threatening & aggressive to my mum. She would send me text messages to say he was ‘going for her’. Once I was at work and had to call the police as I feared for her safety. A few days after my sister & I took him out and he turned on us and it was terrifying. Her husband had to come & get him.

After weeks in hospital he ended up in a specialist care home as many homes said they couldn’t take him. After another angry outburst he was sent to a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks and is now back in the home but we believe they have had to strongly medicate him in order to accept him back.

He now barely speaks, is bent over alot of the time, can’t feed himself hardly at all, and worst of all I fear he is starting to not really know me. I believe he does know me as when I visit he leans forward for a kiss and he tries to smile at me but he can’t talk to me and I’m not sure he understands all the stuff I ramble on about.

The home he is in is full of people even worse than him which is so hard to see. My mum hates him being there and I worry that the stress of it all has made her a bit depressed. I have come to accept that he needs to be there as we cannot look after him with his level of needs and frankly we were not safe.

The speed in which he has declined this year is hard to come to terms with and while alot of the time I am ok, I am having moments where I just break down crying. This happened this morning on the way to work and I was just sobbing by the time I arrived. It hits me out of the blue. I miss my old Dad so much it hurts and I think the realisation that he is slipping away from us and one day won’t know me is starting to hit me.

I just wondered jf anyone feels or has felt similar? I feel like I need to tell someone but my family don’t really talk about feelings and I don’t want to upset my mum.

Sorry this is so long & thanks for reading.

I really feel for you, it's a horrible illness. I remember driving my Nan somewhere and she turned to me looking worried and said "I don't know if I should be with you" it's just heart breaking.
Yes, I totally understand the sadness and the fears it is like you lose the person you love before they have gone.
The only thing I would say is that in my experience the aggressive phase while awful does pass and then people become more passive again.

Have a look at a book called Contented Dementia by Oliver James. It has some good suggestions.

Oh OP, I feel for you and read your post nodding furiously!

My dad has had LBD for 6 years now, is declining slowly and I still get moments of extreme upset. I read somewhere that one of the toughest things about dementia is going through the grieving process for someone who is still alive - it's expected after someone dies but with the living, you go through it again and again, and it's almost impossible not to contrast your 'real' Dad that you remember with the person in front of you.

I would echo that the aggressive phase does pass; it's awful while it's happening though.

Feel free to offload on here - it helps to have someone to talk to even virtually!